


Memoirs of a cage-like love

by banana_chocolate97



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Drama, M/M, Psychological Drama, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-07-25 10:03:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 63,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7528471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banana_chocolate97/pseuds/banana_chocolate97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aoi's love was like a cage, I could see it.<br/>His and Kai's relationship only appeared to be perfect but it was quite the opposite.</p><p>Unintentionally, I got to find out what happened between them behind closed doors, the way Aoi was trapping Kai against walls, himself, his heart, the world. I know they loved each other from the bottom of their hearts but I also knew that Kai was begging to be freed. My best friend was screaming for help, silently, too intimidated by Aoi's might to leave their love behind by himself. </p><p>But I was going to save him. I wasn't going to watch it any longer.<br/>However, I was unable to see that in the process of saving the man I loved, I was ripping another man's heart apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue.

"Where are you going?"

A gulp.

"...Meet some friends...?" 

A lifted eyebrow almost audible through the silence.

"Which friends?"

A sigh.

"Just... friends, Aoi." 

Arms crossing in front of a chest.

"You didn't tell me you wanted to go out tonight." 

A silent accusation.

Gritted teeth. 

"I did. You just chose not to hear it."

A hand hesitantly opening the front door, keys rustling. 

"Close the door."

A gulp, a trembling breath.

"Aoi- "

"I said, close the door. I want you to stay at home tonight."

_This doesn't feel like a home anymore._

No reaction. 

"Yutaka."

"But- "

"Close the fucking door. Now."

A door closing. 

A heart racing.

A surpressed sob.

A voice softening.

"Come here." 

A few meters being bridged, a tight hug. Whispered words, meaningful, binding and conclusive. 

Like a contract.

"I love you." 

A body stiffening, just slightly, hardly recognizable.

"I love you too." 

Silence.

"Do you?"

"Of course, Aoi."

_The truth is... I don't know._

 

 


	2. Butterflies.

T H U R S D A Y

 

"Where did- ? What the- ? Oh, please don't tell me I left them at home."

Uttering a frustrated sigh, I rummaged through my black bag, my fingers brushing over everything but the items I was looking for. I felt a bead of sweat slowly run down my temple.

Okay, so obviously I really was the God-of-forgetting-everything-that-can-possibly-be-forgotten-in-this-world, as Ruki liked to call me lately.

That little brat.

God, where did I have my head?!

How was I able to simply **forget** the two things that were absolutely necessary for my job?!

"Guys!" I exclaimed, directing my call for help towards my bandmates who were just changing into their costumes behind me. "Do you have any idea where I put my drumsticks??"

The only response I got was general laughter. Yeah, thank you, really.

"God, this can't be happening to me!"

I teared my hair desperately.

I was always the one this kind of things were happening to. Always. Just why, I was still wondering. It wasn't as though I had knocked at the door of the God-of-forgetting-everything-that-can-possibly-be-forgotten-in-this-world and asked wether I could take on his job because I apparently did it way better than he himself.

Yeah, my sarcasm was on.

"Hey, Kai."

"Huh?"

I turned around to face the GazettE's raven-haired guitarist.

And with a completely baffled look on my face, I realized that Aoi was holding out to me what I had been seeking.

"I found these in my car. Guess they fell out of your backpack when we drove here today," he explained when he noticed that I wasn't really capable of answering.

I was suddenly really, really fascinated by the shape of his lips. Have they always been so full, finely curved and so... tempting?

Or had I just been too preoccupied with other things so that it hadn't engaged my attention until now how incredibly... luscious they actually were?

"Kai?"

I blinked as a light chuckle reached my ear and then it hit me.

Oh fuck, had I stared??

I had. Yes. Shit, I had.

Pretending to have been lost in thoughts, I cleared my throat, gulped and looked up to him.

Wow, he's tall. Has he always been so tall?

"Oh, uh, yeah, sorry," I said with an apologetic smile and grabbed the wooden sticks, curling my gloved fingers around them. "Thanks."

Our eyes locked when I said that.

Oh, his eyes. Today was one of these days when they were clearly more brown than black. That was a beautiful brown actually. Or maybe it was just the lighting in the dressing room playing its tricks on me?

_Oh my Goodness, what the hell is wrong with me??_

Aoi's lips formed a gentle smile, however, I couldn't help but to think that I saw some sort of hidden triumph in that smile.

"No problem," he replied and it seemed to me as if he was looking me over before he turned around again, giving himself to getting fully dressed.

 _Okay, something is seriously wrong with me,_ I thought while I took a sip from my water bottle, waiting for the guys to get ready. I sighed at the view of Uruha in front of the big mirror, looking at his eye makeup scrutinizingly.

He really was self-critical, concerning not only his work and guitar play but also his appearance.

"Ruha, goodness, you look great, calm down, okay?" Ruki assured him, urging the group out of the dressing room.

The honey-blonde guitarist grumbled a bit but then followed us towards the backstage area.

°°°  
°°°

Something was different. Maybe I just imagined it but tonight Aoi darted more quick glances towards me than usual. Whenever he walked past the drum kit, changing from one side of the stage to the other, he would lift his head and throw that absolutely disarming smile at me while his skilled fingers flew across the strings.

For some reason I wanted it to be just an object of my imagination. The problem was, if I chose to ignore it, I would also have to ignore how my heart beat faster everytime Aoi looked at me.

And I couldn't do that because it was way too obvious that somehow something had changed for me.

Never before had I actually **felt** something like that, never before had I felt at all **anything** concerning Aoi.

And that in turn scared the hell out of me. I've known him for more than ten years now and yes, of course I couldn't deny that he was more than just attractive but the relationship between us had always been on a sociable basis. So what the hell was that stifling feeling pinching inside me everytime our eyes met?

Maybe he was just being friendlier than usual because he was having a good day?

_Yeah, sure._

In any case, it felt weird.

°°°  
°°°

"Oh God, I'm so done. Holy Shit, that was crazy!!"

Uruha plonked himself down on the sofa on the room's left wall, legs sprawled, with his breath heavy and dark brown-blond hair a total mess.

"Amen to that," Reita puffed approvingly, letting himself drop on the place next to the lead guitarist. Behind us a staff member hurried into the room, accrediting us with new fridge-cold water bottles.

With a thankful smile, I took one and sat down on the second sofa, located on the opposite wall. After I'd taken a sip, the cool liquid trickling down my throat in a palliative manner, I propped up my forearms on my thighs, taking more than just one deep breath.

What a crazy live that had been!

I coughed a bit, smiled to myself at the small fight that had raised between Uruha and Reita about whose fanservice had been better tonight and once again lifted the bottle to my lips, keeping my eyes closed as the darkness seemed somewhat soothing.

However, I opened them with a frown when I felt what I thought to be another thigh pressing against mine and I could have sworn to feel my heart skip a beat as soon as I spotted Aoi sitting next to me, head leaned back against the backrest and black vest unbuttoned all the way down. Beads of sweat were glistening on his smooth, flat stomach and chest that rose and fell a little heavily. His skin was slightly tanned - Kishidan Banpaku 2014 had left its mark.

"You alright?" he asked and although my eyes were still fixed on his bare upper body I could literally hear the smile in his voice which in turn sounded exhausted and a bit scratchy from the screaming on stage.

Slowly I let my glimpse wander upwards and when I reached his face, my throat seemed to be begging for a gasp but I surpressed it.

_God, he looks gorgeous._

Aoi had his head inclined aside so that a few strands of his messy, black hair fell obliquely across his face, covering his from my point of view left eye and grazing his slightly parted lips while he looked at me intently from that one visible, deep brown eye.

I gulped.

"Y-Yeah, just a little worn out," I replied, trying to hide the fact that my mind was completely occupied with thinking about how he looked as if he'd come straight out of bed. I didn't like these pictures that were unspooling inside my head.

They were hot as hell but I didn't like them because suddenly there was something else getting hot.

Aoi shifted to the side on the couch and propped his temple in his left hand, eyeing me up.

"You did great today," he said and **now** I was definitely blushing like crazy.

A small smile curled my lips. "Thanks," I answered. "But you were great, too. The fans love you."

He laughed. "Yeah, they do because I'm a freaking sexy beast as we all know."

"Oh my God, Aoi!" a new voice sounded and we turned our heads to see a drenched in sweat Ruki standing in the doorway, a smirk plastered across his face. "'Beast' doesn't begin to cover it."

Aoi raised an elegant eyebrow.

"Oh, do you know things that I **don't** know?"

"I have my theories."

"Mmm, I'd love to get to know these theories, Ruki-chan."

"Sure, whenever you're free, Darling."

My head followed their conversation like a spectator's at a tennis match, a small, incredulous smile on my lips and I realized that this was what was different between me and him or me and Ruki.

I've always admired Aoi's repercussiveness and I definitely wasn't as quick on the comeback as our singer was.

In fact, I have always been the shy one in this group even though I don't like to admit it. My well-known smile and the way I apparently act around people had given these image to me years ago and I think I'm okay with it.

On the other hand, I didn't want to believe that my usual, restrained behavior automatically excluded being good at repartee because I know I can dish out if I want or if it's necessary. I know that my band mates always appreciate what I do for them, that's never going to change, so I don't really feel the need to prove myself. And it's not like I'd hate the effort I'm expending for them. They're worth it.

Ruki's unmistakable giggle reached my ears and I looked up from my thoughts just in time to see him ruffling through Reita's hair, the latter pouting disapprovingly at the action.

Aoi next to me arose, leaving behind a trail of his scent in the air.

_Wow, why am I noticing this at all?_

"Okay, I'll just get changed quickly and then we can leave. I assume I'm giving you a ride back to your apartment?"

I blinked.

_Is he speaking to me?_

"What? Oh, uh, yeah sure, thanks."

He giggled and I couldn't get rid of the thought that he had in some magical way managed to hear what was going through my head.

_I'm sorry, I got lost in your smell. What did you say?_

_Yeah, thank God not._

We started to take off our costumes which was just a matter of seconds for me and I - unsuccessfully - tried to ignore the sight of Aoi's naked back, the athletic muscles of his shoulder blades moving and flexing underneath tanned skin.

It may seem like a miracle but Uruha really was the first one to be finished although he actually takes **ages** to get ready. Another miracle: Drunkhead succeeded in convincing Reita and Ruki to go for a drink in some bar not far from the venue and I was pretty surprised about that. Ruki was usually preferring quiet surroundings after such a blasting live but tonight was apparently different.

"Hey Kai, you sure you don't wanna come with us?"

I finished lacing my shoes, then turned the head to look at Reita who was eyeing me questioningly.

"No, thanks," I answered, an apologetic smile on my lips. "I'm just really tired right now and I keep hearing my bed calling my name, so... you three go and have your fun. Whatever sort of fun that might be."

We looked at each other silently for a few seconds, then bursted into laughter, earning confused looks from the other guys until Ruki came walking up to us with a grin and padded Reita's shoulder. "Don't worry Kai, I'll take care of him."

I giggled at Reita's grumpy face, guessing it only looked so dismissive because of my innuendo. I knew that there was actually nothing going on between him and Ruki and apparently Reita didn't even really like hearing jokes about it. Oh well.

"I'm sure you will. Anyway, can you hurry? I'm really tired, to be honest."

As on commission, my body stretched automatically and I yawned. Reita and Ruki sighed shortly after that and proceeded grumbling towards changing into their everyday clothes. It seemed like an eternity passed until they were finally ready and we could leave the venue together.

Aoi and I waved towards the other three who disappeared in the direction of Tokyo's party district rather quickly and I laughed softly as I walked up to Aoi's car, a deep black Audi R8 5.2 FSI quattro. And no, I didn't know the exact product description because I was so interested in cars but because Aoi had almost annoyed me to no end with his rave during the last three weeks before he'd bought it.

The central locking squeaked as he unlocked it. We opened the doors and got in. Even inside his car, Aoi's scent was lingering in the air.

_Why the hell do I notice these things, for heaven's sake._

I fastened my seat belt, catching myself taking a deep breath and goosebumps spread across my forearms, may it be because of the coolth or because that scent was simply intoxicating.

_Why did I never notice this before?_

"Got your drumsticks?" Aoi asked with a wink and turned the engine on. The car gave a low purr and I chuckled, clapping on the backpack I had placed in my lap.

"Yep, got them. I'm not that forgetful, you know. Thanks for reminding me though."

Aoi gave me a sideglance and eyed me critically before his lips formed into a grin and he turned his eyes back on the road. "Sure."

Sighing inwardly, I looked ahead through the windshield and my glimpse stroked flashing neon signs, blinking advertisement and young people gathering at every corner of the streets. It had gotten silent in the car and for some strange reason, I didn't feel very well suddenly. A stinging headache had settled at the back of my head and it made me even more tired than I already was. Of course my eyes would eventually focus on Aoi again and I swallowed, my fingers' grip around my backpack getting firmer.

_When exactly had driving a car become so fucking sexy?_

My glimpse brushed over his slender fingers curled around the steering wheel, his upper arm now hidden by a black T-shirt and further along that way over the visible veins of his lower arm. Raven-black hair fell over his shoulder, hiding the helical ear ring he had worn during our Kishidan Banpaku 2012 performance from the view of anybody who wasn't as close to him as I was at the moment.

I saw how his eyes focused on the corner he was about to turn, then his hand embraced the gearshift and he changed gears.

_Man, even after a concert he looks freaking gorgeous._

I gulped and tried to look away, tried to ignore this **fluttering** feeling in my stomach.

_Oh shit._

I wasn't successful, of course not. Biting my lower lip, I was only able to avert my gaze when the corner of his mouth turned into a knowing smirk although he didn't look at me directly.

_Fuckfuckfuck._

A burning blush crept into my cheeks and the silence between us got almost embarrassing.

I was more than thankful when we finally arrived in front of my apartment complex and the Audi came to hold with a brief, deep roar.   
A relieved puff of breath left my lungs and I got out, hoping he didn't hear it or didn't see how uncomfortable I felt.   
After I had walked to the front door, I rummaged through my bag, searching for my keys when all of a sudden everything went black.

°°°  
°°°

"Kai? Hey, Kai, look at me. Hey!"

My eyelids fluttered and I frowned immediately at the feeling of light slaps against my cheek.

"Whoa dude, stop slapping me," I murmured and tried to move. It was only now that I my blurry vision became sharp again, I spotted Aoi directly in front of my face, looking at me with concern and I realized that that strong arm wrapped around my waist was his.

_Oh God._

I gulped.

"What... What happened?"

Aoi knitted his brows, clearly worried.

"You passed out for a few seconds and I caught you. What's going on?"

I sniffed and was suddenly very aware of every inch where his arm touched my body.

_Yeah, he definitely caught me._

It was a firm embrace, protective and safe. And he wouldn't let go.

"Yeah, uh... I wasn't feeling very well. Uhm..." I tapped at my temple with a finger, still frowning.

"Headache."

"Man, why didn't you tell me?" he asked and abruptly seemed upset.

"We could have left earlier when you're not feeling well. I mean, I would've hurried if you'd told me!"

I couldn't help but smile. That was cute. He **worried** about me.

"No, it's okay. It's just a bit of a headache, really."

Now he got serious, I could see it in his face. "Kai, you **passed out** from exhaustion. That's not just 'a bit of a headche'. Come on, get in."

He brandished his hands, indicating me to unlock the door which I did.

Aoi gently shoved me into the hallway and I watched with a completely baffled look how he closed the door behind him and took off his shoes.

_What the hell is he doing._

"Uh... what exactly are you doing, Aoi?"

He laughed softly and smiled at me with that beautiful, disarming smile of his.

"Put you to bed."

My eyes widened and I stared at him.

_What._

_WHAT._

This was totally not what I had expected. Simply the sight of how these words rolled from his lips was too much.

_I'll put you to bed._

Slowly I began to brush the jacket off my shoulders and the shoes from my feet, always feeling his stare on me like an overprotective parent.

"Look, Aoi, you don't have to do this, really. I'm fi- "

"No, you're not **fine,** Kai," he interrupted and gave me a rebuking look. "Now move. Bedroom."

I gulped and replied with a small nod - I couldn't stop him from having his will anyway, he was a pighead - so I turned around on the spot and paddled through the hallway, towards and into my bedroom. I tried to hide it and I **think** it worked but hell, my mind was going nuts at the moment.

I was with Aoi. In my apartment. In my freaking bedroom. Alone.

_Fuck._

Just a few weeks ago, there wouldn't have been any problem with that but now, that my feelings had been turned **completely** upside down, it was too much to take.

It's not like he had any intentions or anything though, I knew that he was just worried about me.

"So. You undress and change into your PJs and I got get some medicine. And I'll make you a cup of tea," he ordered and pointed to the bed before he disappeared out of the room.

°°°  
°°°

"I'm sleepy," I mumbled and snuggled down into the pillows and bedding.

"Yeah, that's the painkiller," I heard Aoi's low voice from what seemed like far away but I felt that the mattress underneath my body had already given way minutes ago so I knew he was sitting beside me.

"Sleep now."

I smiled. After that medicine and the cup of hollyhock tea, he had confined me to bed and he tolerated absolutely no dissent. Of course I was happy that he seemed to care that much about me and that he accepted coming home very late himself but still I felt guilty.

"You can leave, you know," I murmured, keeping my eyes closed as the darkness wrapped me in a bittersweet cocoon of soon-to-come sleep.

"I'll leave when you're asleep."

Oh and yes, I couldn't deny that just hearing his voice seemed incredibly soothing. Soothing and sexy.

I didn't answer, just showed a grateful smile and I think he smiled as well.

While I drifted tardily into sleep, my breath became calm and steady and I noticed that **Yes, the fucking butterflies were still fluttering.**


	3. He stayed.

F R I D A Y   
  


I frowned.

Something was wrong.

Something **felt** wrong.

Only hesitantly did my eyelids flutter open and the first thing I noticed was already what was wrong.

My bedroom window was wide open and I was pretty sure it had been closed last night when Aoi put me to bed, so-

Oh.

I blinked.

Aoi.

I twirled around under my blankets, almost expecting to see him sleeping next to me.

My facial expression slackened.

_He's not here, he left._

God, was that disappointment?!

I had asked him to leave the night before so it was perfectly fine. It would've been too much for my state of mind anyway, waking up with Aoi beside me.

My headache had disappeared and I thought back to how determined Aoi had been the night before, insisting on making tea for me and keeping me under the warm blankets.

And I smiled. Maybe I should've asked him to stay overnight after all, sleep on the couch or something because I had a natural aversion to waking up alone or spending off days on my own.

I've gotten used to it over the years though.

And today was an off day.

Uttering a sigh, I pulled back the blankets and stood up clumsily, running a hand through my brown hair while toddling out of my bedroom, down the hallway and past the living room doorway.

At least I **intended** to pass that doorway.

However, something in the corner of my eye caught my attention, something that definitely shouldn't be there.

With an accelerating heartbeat, I slowly turned my head, my eyes widening at what came now into full view.

Blankets and pillows.

On my couch.

Well, that was nothing really alarming, I know, it was rather the way they were arranged.

Pillows on one end of the couch, blanket draped as if it had been pulled back after waking up from a long nap. Oh, and an used ashtray on the glass table.

I gulped.

Someone had slept on my couch.

Lifting both hands, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, maybe hoping everything would be back to normal again after that but it wasn't.

I sniffed thoughtfully.

What the hell was going on?

Someone had slept on my couch and that someone had most likely opened my window too. And smoked **my** cigarettes!

Aoi's shoes and jacket were gone but I stared at my coat rack for at least an entire minute to make sure they were **really** gone.

Maybe Uruha again?

Sneaking into my apartment through the adjoining garage was kind of his thing when he was out to get himself drunk.

Although, no. I was sure I had locked that door last weekend when he had tried to bring some more of his drunkhead friends into my house at 3 AM.

So not Uruha either.

_What the actual fuck is going on?!_

I shook my head in an attempt to get rid of the thoughts of burglars breaking into my house, sneaking around behind me. Then I'd probably be screwed since I didn't know **anything** concerning self-defense.

Coming to the conclusion that it wouldn't be of much help to keep staring at the couch, I slowly made my way to the kitchen like I had originally planned. I was still cautious when I pushed the already slightly ajar door more open as if I was expecting a green-haired monster with purple horns to wait for me.

My eyes brushed over the worktop, then scrutinizing the closed windows and the stove. No monster so far.

However, that monster eventually turned out to be a little piece of paper with a written note on it lying on the table and scaring the hell out of me.

I suspiciously eyed it from afar, not really sure if I wanted to know what it said.

I bit my lip.

Thoughts were rumbling in my head.

Burglars wouldn't leave a note, would they? They wouldn't sleep on my couch either.

After all, curiosity won of course.

So I stepped forward and took the note in hand, a sharp inhale following as I recognized Aoi's handwriting.

The tips of my fingers grazed the thin material, my eyes almost eagerly flying over the words.   
  


_Morning sleepy head ;)_

_I opened your window last night for some fresh air so I hope you slept well? I drove off to the bakery to get some bread rolls and took your keys, hope that's okay._

_In case I'm not back yet when you read this - obviously I'm not since you're reading this_ _xD_ _\- make yourself some tea,_ _ne_ _?_

_I'll be back soon._

_Aoi_ _:)_   
  


I gulped.

Holy shit.

I kept staring at the paper in my hand, not really able to fathom what his words meant.

_HOLY SHIT, HE STAYED._

Did he really- ?

No, he couldn't-

WHAT THE HELL?!

I gulped again and re-read his message. And re-read and re-read and re-read.

I still didn't get it though.

_Morning sleepy head._

For some reason my heart made a strange flip when I imagined him saying that to me. Had he been smiling while writing this down? Maybe grinning that sexy grin of his?

Wait, what?!

_I did not just call him sexy._

_Well, I called his_ **_grin_ ** _sexy, that's a difference, right?_

"Ugh," I puffed in frustration, slumping down onto the next chair. It came back, the stinging suspicion that I was having a very, very serious problem right here. The way I felt about some random piece of paper wasn't normal.

And to say that the thought of Aoi sleeping at my place, right in the room next to mine made me crazy and shiver was the understatement of the century. I took a deep breath.

Well, I guessed there wasn't really something else I could do so I decided to follow Aoi's suggestion of making myself a cup of tea.

Wait, no, there was something I needed more than tea right now.

A shower.

Yeah, I needed a shower.

_I'll be back soon._

Oh fuck that, I needed a shower.

I hurried into the bathroom, undressed and stepped under the warm water jet, sighing in relief as my tensed muscles began to relax.

Why the hell were they tensed anyway?

_Oh, maybe because it could be that_ _Aoi_ _'s coming back while you're still in the shower in all your naked glory?_

_Just shut up._

And it was inexplicable to myself but just the mere **thought** of that made me blush and my cheeks burn like fire.

I just stood there for a while, letting the water run down my body and flood my mind with all the thoughts I had tried to surpress all along.

I wasn't exactly good at surpressing things. I had to face it eventually. I was in-

No.

Just no.

I couldn't say it, let alone **think** it at all. It simply wasn't **possible.**

With a sniff, I washed the shampoo I had absently inwrought in my scalp out of my hair and pulled the plug on the hot water.

And then, from one second to the other, my entire body stiffened, reason being the sound of keys rustling.

Fuck.

Oh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

_I told you so._

"Kai?"

_SHIT!_

I quickly stepped out of the shower, careful not to slip on the slightly damp tiles which was rather hard to manage as I got distracted by the freaking knock on the door, fumbled for a towel in the cabinet and-

"Can I co- "

"NO!" I slammed one hand against the wood, already panting for breath and I could have sworn to see Aoi's shocked face right through the door itself (which I hadn't even locked, idiot that I was).

I looked down my dripping wet, naked body and shuddered. Only a few seconds too late and Aoi would have undoubtedly bursted into the bathroom, spotting me naked and inwardly philosophizing about him.

"Oh sorry. I'll be in the kitchen then."

I stared at the door.

**Was that a freaking giggle that I just heard?!**

"Yeah," I replied sheepishly and it took a while until I had gulped down the shock, leaning my back against the door. I took a deep breath and it was only now that I noticed that I had - **of course** \- forgotten to bring changing clothes with me.

_Great, Kai. Great job. Well done._

_Fuck this, everything goes wrong._

_That's him. He turns your brain to jelly._

Okay, I had to get myself together now!

I just had to leave this room and walk to my bedroom. Aoi's seen me topless before, no big deal.

_Yeah, but not when I'm wearing nothing but a freaking towel!_

I think it was obvious that the attempts to calm myself failed miserably.

With a disgruntled mewl to myself, I picked up said towel from the floor and wrapped it tightly around my hips. Not neccessary to mention that I made sure that it really, **really** stayed where it was.

With one hand on the door handle I inhaled deeply. This was going to be so freaking embarrassing if it went wrong.

_Stay where you are towel, I'm warning you._

_Get your shit together man!_

_Okay okay, I'm going._

With trembling fingers, I opened the door and stepped outside carefully, being immediately greeted with the smell of freshly brewed tea.

Hollyhock tea to be exact.

I couldn't help grinning as I tried to close the door as silently as possible then tardily tiptoed towards my bedroom and my heartbeat kept stomping in my ears, so loud I was sure Aoi simply **had** to hear it. After all, he was the reason for me being so completely messed up in the head.

(Yeah, I blame you, you raven haired beautiful beast.)

Peeking around the corner, I spotted him standing at the kitchen counter. Although he wasn't facing me, I could hear that he was just cutting the bread rolls in half.

My eyes glided over his back, making me once more notice that his back was probably the most athletic I had ever seen.

I admit, I got lost.

(And in the meantime there was a small puddle building around my feet which I totally didn't notice. And the dripping sound wasn't striking **at.all**.)

The way his tanned skin stretched over the visible muscles of his shoulder blades and partly covered upper arms was too fascinating to **not** stare at it.

Why the hell did he even have to wear that black shirt again?!

Oh, right.

**Because he slept on my freaking couch.**

Apparently, I had stared too long.

"Good morning sleepy head."

 

Shit.


	4. And carried me in his arms.

_Fuck,_ _I'm_ _screwed_ _.  
_  
Aoi's deep, almost mocking voice sent a shiver down my spine, my eyes still focused on his back.   
  
_What_ _the_ _hell_ _am_ _I_ _supposed_ _to_ _do?!  
_  
It wasn't as if I could just step into the kitchen, wearing nothing more than a freaking towel around my hips. I didn't want him to see me this way.   
  
_Not_ _yet,_ _that_ _is_ _._

"Uhm... Good morning," I replied after I had banned all these suggestive thoughts from my mind. Or at least I tried to do so.   
  
"I'm... Uh, I m-mean I'll just go and... and get d-dressed quickly... if that's okay."  
  
Aoi giggled low, I could **hear** it, the otherwise so deep tone of his voice becoming a tiny bit higher for just milliseconds but it was the most beautiful giggle I'd ever heard.   
  
I was frightened to death by my own thoughts.   
  
"Sure, go ahead," he answered and I did notice that he didn't turn around to face me. Maybe he knew that it would make me feel uncomfortable?  
  
 _God_ _,_ _he's_ _amazing_ _._  
  
"Uh... Okay."

Before I could change my mind, I quickly toddled past the doorway towards my bedroom and I could have sworn to hear him giggle again.  
  
Great, this was already embarrassing again. As if fearing he could burst into my room any second to catch me naked and thinking about him, I quickly dressed up in gray sweatpants and a white tank top after drying my body with the towel.   
  
_Shit_ _,_ _there's_ _no way_ _I_ _can_ _walk_ _out_ _there_ _!_  
  
I inhaled deeply, staring at the wall but seeing nothing as my mind considered every possibility to get out of this situation without having to admit... it. Although I certainly didn't like it, I came to the conclusion that confessing had to happen sooner or later, one way or the other.   
  
But not today. Oooooh hell no, not today. And not tomorrow either.  
  


Clearing my throat, I placed one hand on the latch, closing my eyes to calm down my breathing that had turned me into an overly excited jitterbug within seconds.

 _Don't behave like a schoolgirl,_ _Yutaka_ _.  
_  
 _ARE YOU KIDDING, LOOK AT THAT FUCKING SEXY TEACHER I GOT THERE._   
  
_Yutaka_ _._

_Okay, I'm quiet._

Just to get one thing straight.   
  
I'm not schizophrenic.   
  
Just shy, especially around Aoi, I've always been. He's just a quite intimidating person, even if you've known him as long as I have. Then I just prefer to let all the craziness happen **inside** my mind rather than showing it outside. I guess that would freak people out.  
  
And my mind tends to flick the let's-get-Kai-all-flaily-and-clumsy-flip whenever I get in embarrassing situations like this.  
  
And by "like this" I mean Aoi standing in my kitchen, black tank top nestling to his chest and waist, with a white dishtowel over his shoulder. I don't know if you can imagine what that looks like.

_He looks like your freaking boyfriend preparing breakfast for you._

I had finally had the guts to step out of my bedroom and this was the sight that greeted me.   
  
"Did you sleep well?" were the first words reaching my ears and not only them.   
  
I swallowed and nodded with a smile.   
  
"Yup. Thanks for..." - _staying_ \- "...opening the window."   
  
After having myself seated on one of the chairs by the table, I perched my chin on the palm of my right hand and I just could not **not** stare at him.   
Tilting my head, I peeked around his body - _his body, oh my freaking GOD_ \- to catch a glimpse of what he was doing.   
  
Apparently he was working on something that seemed suspiciously like chocolate pancakes. It even smelled like chocolate pancakes.   
And I-

"No problem. It was getting really hot in there and I didn't want that to cause your headache to come back."

And there I was, fainting like an old maid. Or at least I felt like I did.

_Please tell me that word choice wasn't deliberate._

_It was. It SO was, holy cow. He knows how you react to these kind of things. He freaking knows it,_ _Yutaka_ _. He knows you._

I was still sitting on my chair, blushing like hell probably but I was sitting. I realized that when I saw Aoi moving in front of me as if nothing happened, following him with my eyes while he walked over to one of the white cupboards, opening it and taking out two tea mugs.   
As he stretched upwards the way he did, my eyes were magically drawn to the black tattoo on his left upper arm. Combining his family's emblem with the emblem of his jewelry line was an amazing idea and now that I thought of it...   
Did I have to worry that he had chosen **me** to accompany him to the tattoo studio that day?

_Oh_ _, don't interpret too much, come on. He also took_ _Uruha_ _to get his lip piercing_ _and-_

_And_ _everbody_ _knows he fucked him that night._

_Oh. Well, shouldn't you be... looking forward to something then?_

I snorted (loudly, I just didn't notice) at the thoughts racing through my head, unable to stop them, unable to keep them from moving around like greedy, little parasites trying to talk me into giving in.   
But I was not going to give in, no. Not yet.

"What is it?"

I blinked away the veil of indecent thoughts in front of my eyes, focusing my view on the raven-haired male in front me. That direct stare Aoi was giving me gave me goosebumps but I attempted not to let it show too much. (I guess I was unsuccessful. As so often.)

"That snort. What was that about?" he asked with a laugh, placing the now finished pancakes on a plate beside the stove and then setting it on the table along with the breadrolls, some jam, the hollyhock tea he'd made and sugar.   
(Why the hell did I even own **hollyhock** tea?!)

I had apparently failed.   
"Oh. That. Uh... that was just... nothing. Nothing i-in particular."   
Clearing my throat - very unobtrusive - I straightened on the chair and reached for the tea but he was faster.

"Uh-huh," he made while pouring the dark red, hot liquid into my cup.   
And I just couldn't stop staring, couldn't believe he was doing this (for me obviously) and I wasn't able to make even one single coherent thought.

I could smell him, the fine yet powerful note of burning wood mingling with something sweet like caramel wafting across the table and reaching my nostrils, leaving my heart in a stumbling rhythm.   
"Thanks," I murmured when he even added the right amount of sugar to my tea. Fuck, he knew me too well.   
Considering that, it was pretty clear to me that he noticed me staring but he didn't say anything about it whatsoever which I was glad about.   
Reaching for one of the bread rolls, I was oblivious to the fact that **he** was staring too.

"And what's that smile?"   
My eyes snapped up, meeting his - _oh so beautifully_ \- brown ones.   
"What? What smile? I don't smile!"   
I fumbled for my knife and in a ridiculous try to appear serious, I let my facial expression slacken, countenance falling and getting - hopefully - expressionless.   
"See," I pointed at my face with the knife - **very** intelligent -, "No smile. Not smiling."

Aoi blinked at me, chocolate pancake in one hand and elbow propped on the table. I blinked back, trying **so** hard to look unimpressed by that raised eyebrow but his next words... killed me.

"Oh, so that wrinkle from ear to ear is Nutella, huh?"

I broke out in a roar of laughter - No, I didn't, I **giggled** **.** **I** **giggled** **in** **front** **of** **Aoi** **.**

 _If_ _it_ _didn't_ _get_ _any_ _more_ _obvious_ _._

"Okay okay, you win," I chuckled and took a sip from my hot drink.   
"I always do, don't I?"   
Aoi smirked at me and I think I just died a little bit there. Okay, more than a bit. I totally died, falling to the floor theatrically and climbing to the heavens afterwards.   
With a disbelieving laugh I shook my head and began to spread butter on one half of my bread roll, noticing in the corner of my eye that the raven did the same.

"Sooooo?" he made after a few moments. "What's that smile?"   
I gulped.

 _Can't_ _you_ _just_ _drop_ _the_ _topic_ _!_ _I_ _can't_ _look_ _at_ _you_ _without_ _threatening_ _to_ _drool_ _!_

"Uh... Nothing. Just..."   
I exhaled jerkily and then took another deep breath.   
"I'm just glad you're here."   
I'm blushing, I'm blushing, **fuck** , I'm blushing.

 _Did_ _you just_ _really_ _say_ _that_ _?_

The broad smirk on Aoi's face softened, turning into a heartwarming smile as he set the pancake down to reach for the raspberry jam.   
"What are friends for if not caring for one another?"

Chewing on my bread, I once again perched the chin in my right hand, looking at him with a smile and I was **beaming** **.**  
I was beaming at him without even bothering to make it less obvious because he would have to be as blind as a hedgehog to not notice it anyway. And he wasn't of course.   
  
Having breakfast with him carried... emotions. Emotions I couldn't quite classify despite knowing they were issuing from whatever I already felt for him, something from deep down inside me that made me wonder what it would possibly be like to do this every day. Waking up to him, having breakfast with him and stuff.  
It was crazy, I knew.

"Say AH."   
I looked up, greeted with Aoi holding a piece of his chocolate pancake out to me. Mine was already eaten and a few sips of tea were all that was left now. I blinked at the dark brown dough as if it was some kind of disgusting frog, then my eyes found Aoi's.  
  
"Aoi, I simply had a headache. I can still eat by myself, you know."  
He narrowed his eyes at me suspiciously and pouted.

 _Fuck_ _,_ _he's_ _pouting_ _._ _That's_ _an_ _Uruha-pout_ _._ _Yutaka_ _,_ _beware_ _._

 _I_ _KNOW_ _HE'S_ _RIGHT_ _IN_ _FRONT_ _OF_ _ME_ _GOD_ _DAMN_ _IT_ _._

"I said, say AH. Or did you just eat yours for politeness and they actually taste awful to you?"   
I chuckled and shook my head no, knowing I couldn't refuse him that.  
  
 _Yes_ _yes_ _,_ _Aoi_ _always_ _gets_ _what_ _he_ _wants_ _,_ _huh_ _._  
  
"Fine, if you insist," I relented, pushed my plate and cup aside to lean forward over half of the table. "And no, they're delicious, really."   
Fuck, the more his fingers came closer to my lips, the more my heart was racing like a fire truck in action.  
"Good, because I do insist," Aoi replied with a contented grin and bridged the last few inches.

I don't know how it happened, honestly. But suddenly the chocolate pancake was gone, replaced by something much more softer, warmer and above all, **moving** **.**   
It was just seconds.   
Just seconds that his fingertips were brushing over my mouth, the pancake crumbling on my tongue and I shuddered when Aoi's thumb stroked over my lower lip.  
The touch was fleeting, yet I felt like my entire **world** was **shaking**.   
  
_I_ _wish_ _he_ _would've_ _kissed_ _me_ _._  
  
The seconds were still long enough though to let my tongue flick out quickly to lick some melted chocolate off his thumb and it was a somehow great feeling, seeing his eyes widening briefly before pulling away.

_What the fuck did you just do,_ _Yutaka_ _. You did_ **_not_ ** _do this._

We stared at each other, me chewing slowly and screaming inwardly to _come on, just make a move!,_ him, baffled and unable to look away - him and me, knowing that something, just a tiny tiny something, had just happened but it meant a whole freaking lot more.   
I swallowed down the sweet and leaned back, my mind racing with the question of how to solve this awkward situation.

"Uhm... there was chocolate. On your thumb."

_Wow,_ _Yutaka_ _. Inventive._

_Shut the fuck up, what was I supposed to say?!_

_I wanted to lick you all along?_

_Oh just shut up._

And then I watched, completely astonished, how the corners of his mouth slowly turned upwards, forming a sweet smile that turned into his full blown oh-so-popular grin and suddenly he was bending forward, weight resting on his lower arms and face dangerously close to mine. My eyes widened and I immediately backed away, the intimidating touch to his smirk sending a very, very sparkling shiver down my spine.

"Hmm," he made while he eyed me intensely, a sound coming from deep in his throat, "Maybe I should get chocolate on other parts of my body if that's how I get your tongue on my skin."

Whoa.   
**Whoa.**

If my mouth hadn't already been agape, it would at the latest be now. My eyes widened and I was surely staring at him like a little kid seeing a thunderstorm for the first time but I was simply... I was dumbfounded.   
And Aoi, that bastard? **Giggled**.

The corners of his mouth seemed to stretch up to his ears as he lowered his head and that gorgeous laugh of his slipped past his beautiful lips.

"I'm kidding, Kai. Okay?"

He looked up quickly again, probably to check my reaction to that little... joke of his.   
Yeah, only that that joke totally ripped my heart to shreds and my reaction consisted of an open mouth and cheeks as red as the planet mars coated in tomato sauce. Double red so to speak.   
Great.

"You... You idiot! Don't say these kind of things to me, Aoi!!" I exclaimed so suddenly I didn't even notice and leaned forward to give his head a light slap.   
The guitarist squeezed his eyes shut with a playful squeak, eyelashes throwing a delicate shadow on his cheekbones.   
I puffed and began to clear the table, definitely trying to hide what his words had triggered inside me but Aoi wouldn't be Aoi if he didn't see that. That deep blush on my cheeks was unmistakable anyway.   
"I'm sorry," he chuckled and immediately got up to help me with the dishes. I couldn't help but smile.

I think that moment was when I realized that maybe, only maybe, it was okay to feel the way I so suddenly did. Admittedly, Aoi wasn't exactly the type of guy I'd imagine to be in a serious relationship, however, I knew that he was passionate and faithful to the people he loved and cared about.   
I wanted to be one of these people.  
And **damn** **,** he was handsome.

"Yeah yeah, it's fine," I muttered while putting the plates into my dishwasher.   
_No, it's not fine. You're horny._

_WHAT?! No, I'm not!!_

_Uh-huuuuuh_ _. Yeah._

_Shut up!_

_Hornyyyyy_ _._

_SHUT UP!_

Again, I swear I'm not schizophrenic. It was all Aoi's fault, he made me...

_Horny._

_No._

_Yes._

_Okay, yes. A bit._

I puffed in an irritated manner and straightened from my bent position over the dishwasher. Bad enough I had to admit this mentally, Aoi didn't have to notice so I quickly stepped aside after having closed the machine, trying to hide the slight - I swear, **slight** \- bulge in my pants.   
Fuck, this wasn't normal, he didn't even touch me and all I wanted to do was jump at him. Literally. With a bite to my lip, I took another step, backwards this time but I stumbled and bumped something. Something rock hard.

And my body tensed within milliseconds, eyes snapping up at how unbelievably intense the heat radiating from Aoi's chest seemed to literally caress my back.   
"Kai?"   
A trembling inhale flooded my lungs, his voice a true purr and hot breath hitting my nape and I felt like he had suddenly gotten way too close.   
I felt the danger.

"Y-Yeah?" I cawed, my voice a nervous, squeaky sound.

"There's someone at the door."

I blinked and frowned, turning around and finding myself face to face with Aoi's well-built chest.   
"Wh-What?" I asked and reclined my head to look at him, shivering at the dark glance of his beautiful, chocolate brown eyes piercing right into mine. And I asked as though he just revealed himself to be Sindbad.   
He stared back at me, opaque look on his face.

"Uhm... someone knocked on the door?" he repeated and pointed to the hallway with his thumb. Problem was, I was once again captivated by the shape of his lips. Maybe also by his eyes. Or his cheek bones. Or just by his entire god damn body.   
Only when Aoi **literally** snapped his fingers in front of my face was I able to blink my way out of this trance.

"Hel-loo? Earth to Kai?"

Earth hit me like lightning, making me aware of how obviously I was staring at him and that the mars-tomato-blush was back again didn't help a bit.

"U-Uh... Yeah, I... I'll go. Uh, sorry."   
And he giggled. **Again** **.**

"No problem," he smirked and chuckled. "I'm used to being stared at."   
I gulped.   
"Uh... Yeah."

I couldn't have stumbled away from him any quicker, eager to just get away from that personified seduction but clumsy as I fucking was my socks slipped on the tiled floor, sending me straight down to earth **if** \- **who** **would've** **thought** **that** \- Aoi hadn't been there to catch me.

I hissed. "Fuck... Ouch."   
"Are you okay?" he asked immediately, one hand wrapped around my waist in a tight, securing embrace.   
  
"Jeez Kai, watch your step. I don't want to have to take you to a hospital. Did you sprain your ankle?"   
  
Holy Shit, that arm around my body made my mind go **completely** nuts.   
  
My breathing accelerated, became heavier and my heart began to race, thundering against its cage wildly.  
  
"Hey, are you okay? Can you walk?"   
  
My arm snapped forward, hand gripping the edge of the table as a stinging pain shot through my ankle and made me wince.   
Aoi's embrace became firmer.   
  
"Kai, hey!"

"Yeah yeah, I'm fine," I answered quickly. "I just... yeah, sprained my ankle, probably."   
  
_God_ _,_ _stop_ _touching_ _me_ _._  
  
I gritted my teeth and reflexively shifted my weight on my other foot.   
  
An irritated puff escaped my lips when it knocked on the front door again, urgently.   
  
"It's okay, I'm coming for God's sake!"   
  
Sniffling, I tried to balance on both feet but the pain was still there, throbbing and pulsing. Oh fuck this, I hated this day.   
  
Why did these sort of things always have to happen to me?! Always **me** **?!  
  
**

"No no no, you're not going anywhere. I'll carry you, come here."   
Aoi's arm around my waist disappeared abruptly, only to leave me gasping and gaping at him. (Again.)  
  
 _What??  
_  
 _WHAT_ _?!_  
  
I shook my head in denial. Oooh no, I couldn't risk that. Anybody knocking at my door **knew** who I was, who Aoi was and I couldn't risk that whoever was out there saw us... like that.

 _Oh_ _come_ _on_ _,_ _you_ _want_ _to_ _be_ _in_ _his_ _arms_ _,_ _admit_ _it_ _._

 _Of_ _course_ _I_ _want_ _but_ _not_ _like_ **_that!_**

"N-No Aoi, I'm fine! Really! You really don't have to- H-Hey!"   
Squealing and with my eyes screwed shut, I clung to Aoi's strong, almost bare shoulders as he lifted me up without so much as listening to me, one arm hooked around my kneepits and the other around my back.   
Fuck fuck fuck.   
Mars-tomato turned out to be an absolute understatement. The understatement of the **millennium** **,** to be exact. My cheeks were **on** **fire** **.** A New Year's firework.

He and I were both wearing tank tops and I swear wherever our skin touched, I could feel something tingling and sizzling.   
The lightly, beautifully tanned skin underneath my fingertips sent small sparks over my own.  
"Aoi, l-let me down! Come on, don't be silly."

 _Don't be silly? Seriously?_ **_You_** _are the one telling him not to be silly?_

The trademark smile had returned to the latter's face while walking down the hall and towards the door.   
  
Oh shit. Shit!  
  
"Nope, not gonna happen."   
  
"Aoiiiii!!"  
  
"Nooo! I'm not gonna let you walk if you're in pain. Now open that door, come on."   
  
He grinned at me expectantly and with a raised, finely plucked eyebrow. The obstinate pout on my face didn't seem to bother him - my entire **behavior** in general didn't seem to bother him although it was painfully obvious - so I had to give in.

My nasal wings billowed and I sighed, a resigning noise, before reaching out with the arm which wasn't around Aoi's neck to open the door.   
  
And I stared.  
  
Fuck.   
  
Uruha.   
  
**Oh fuck.**


	5. He asked for dinner and the chaos began.

This was probably the most embarrassing situation of my life.   
  
You should have seen Uruha's facial expression, I swear would've laughed my butt off if the circumstances hadn't required me to stay... calm.   
  
It wasn't as though I was **able** to keep calm, at least not inwardly.   
  
My insides were **rioting** **.**

"Uhm... Hi, Ruha."   
  
The blonde guitarist blinked, completely confused by the sight greeting him.  
  
Well, I was confused myself if that wasn't obvious already, my forehead captured in a frown.  
  
"Uh... Hi. What- Can I join?" he said, half stuttering, half snickering.   
  
And I knew there was a deep blush staining my cheeks within seconds and I was only so far from hiding my face at Aoi's neck but that would've been... You know.   
  
The raven shifted and the smirk on his lips was dreadfully apparent in his voice.

"You can at least come in, I guess. He just sprained his ankle, that's why..."  
  
Aoi made a nodding motion, including they way he carried me in his arm to make Uruha understand. Uruha **did** understand but I was afraid he took it the completely wrong way.   
  
The blonde nodded with a hum, entering my apartment after Aoi stepped aside and I saw, I **saw** the grin on Uruha's lips as he walked past us and took his shoes off.   
Oh my God, this was... just so embarrassing. Seriously.   
  
I felt like a little kid that needed to be pampered after hurting himself and I was avoiding Uruha's gaze deliberately and as best as possible while Aoi carried me to the living room, setting me down on the couch with such carefulness I felt my heart aching.  
  
Aching for more, more of his touch, more of **him** **.  
**  
 _(And_ _I_ _had_ _no_ _idea_ _I_ _was_ _going_ _to_ _get_ _it_ _._ _Very_ _soon_ _.)_

"Wait a second, I'll get you some ice," he smiled at me and the fleeting touch of his fingertips grazing my thigh was definitely **not** my imagination.   
I shivered but managed a grateful smile.   
  
"Thanks."

And as soon as he was out the door, Uruha practically **jumped** at me, plonking down beside me with an urgent glimpse.  
"What the **hell** is **he** doing here?!" he hissed curiously.  
I backed away, a little surprised by how impatient he seemed to want an answer.   
  
So what exactly was I supposed to say now?   
  
Although... I darted a quick glance at the clock on my wall. 9:30 AM. Shouldn't **I** be wondering what **he** was doing here?

"Kaaaaai?"

"Uh... what?" I stuttered, my eyes glued to the doorway through which Aoi had disappeared but now I broke away from that view, albeit reluctantly, to face Uruha.   
  
"Why is he here??" the honey-blonde asked again, staring at me as if I had a poop hat on my head.   
  
I leaned back on the couch and tried my hardest not to blush. I think I failed miserably.   
  
"Uh... He gave me a ride home last night after the concert."  
  
My voice sounded terribly like a question at the end as if I had to justify myself. Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I was inwardly begging him to not ask further but this was Uruha and even though the time he'd had a weakness for Aoi was long over, he was obviously **very** curious as to whatever the heck had happened.

"Uh-huh," he made with a suspicious voice and a raised an eyebrow, "and he came back this morning?"   
  
_God_ _,_ _just_ _stop asking_ _already_ _.  
_  
I gulped. Naaaah, not exactly, I thought and actually considered to lie to him but I knew he wasn't going to believe me. He was already suspecting that something had happened. **But** **nothing** had happened so there was no reason to hide or to tell a lie, right?   
  
"Uhm... No," I replied after a while, bending the uninjured leg to sit in a half criss-cross.   
  
Uruha blinked at me.   
And blinked some more.   
  
It took him quite a while which I hadn't expected to be honest but as soon as it dawned on him, his countenance slackened and his mouth fell open, in turn **exactly** the reaction I had anticipated.   
  
They all knew to what it led when Aoi stayed at somebody's - _anybody's_ \- place over night so of course he was thinking the exact same thing right now.

"Are you kidding?! He **stayed** **?!** He **slept** here??"   
  
My lips pursed and I nodded hesitantly.   
  
Why exactly was he so upset again? I frowned.   
  
"Ruha... there was nothing. Seriously! I swear! Nothing," I assured him immediately or otherwise he would've probably bombarded me with questions.   
The honey-blonde narrowed his eyes at me and I inwardly prepared myself for another gunfire of probing queries but instead Uruha just leaned back against the back rest again and sighed. The utterly frustrated sound of it confused me.

"So he hasn't told you yet?"   
  
I swallowed a sudden lump of insecurity down my throat, fidgeting on my place on the couch.   
  
"Told me... what?"   
  
Maybe it was just my imagination but the way Uruha now shirked my eyes was little short of too obvious. What was it that Aoi hadn't told me yet? What did he have to tell me at all that it seemed important enough for Uruha to mention it?   
  
He shook his head briefly.

"Nothing, it's... not really important."   
  
_Uh-huh, sure._   
  
"Is it about the band? Do I have to take care of anything?" I demanded, not planning on letting him dodge this. Maybe I had forgotten to coordinate the appointments for the next concert with the staff? Although I was pretty sure I did that.   
  
"No no, it's nothing, really!" Uruha appeased again, arising quickly as soon as Aoi stepped in again, as if afraid of saying too much or saying things the raven wasn't supposed to hear.   
  
"I... should get going again. I actually just wanted to... check up on you. But you're in good hands apparently."

Seriously, I wasn't sure if he assumed that I was stupid or if he just wasn't trying to hide that **glimpse** he gave Aoi but I **definitely** saw it and it was obvious and suggestive and Aoi **totally** got it. No **way** that eye-rolling of his wasn't meant as an answer.   
  
"Okay then, bye Kai!"   
  
And before I could even react with a goodbye wave or a "Bye!" of my own, Uruha was dashing out of my apartment, letting the door fall shut with a loud crash.   
Aoi looked after him with a disapproving frown on his face.  
"That guy. I swear."   
  
Shaking his head, he turned to face me again and it was only now that I spotted the icebag in his hand.

"What was he talking about?" I wanted to know, my eyes automatically glued to Aoi's athletic frame as he kneeled down right in front of me - and that sight made me all flaily inside - and placed my "injured" foot on his thigh.   
  
A small smile was banned on his lips and to me it seemed like it was hiding way more than what he was telling me then.   
  
"It really wasn't that important," he said and gently wrapped the cold bandage around my ankle, pressing it against the swollen spot carefully.   
My hands found the edge of my couch since honestly, I didn't believe a word he said and... and simultaneously I was on the verge of just letting myself fall forward and right into his arms because every single **second** he spend right here and so close to me just made me realize even more what had happened to my feelings.

The blush on my cheeks, however, was something **he** would certainly recognize.   
  
"Well, I want to know, though," I muttered and watched him closely.   
  
The raven-haired beauty to my feet was still busy with adjusting the ice on my foot, only that there was nothing left to adjust so he was clearly trying to distract himself. I knew it.   
  
"Aoi?" I raised a brow.   
  
And the moment he looked up, my heart literally stopped beating for at least an entire second.   
  
That look in his eyes was something I'd never seen before, it was so... warm and direct and **loving** and **piercing** and at the same time so, **so** conflicted.   
  
As if he was fighting with himself, as if his words were stuck in his throat, not ready to be spoken.   
  
Not yet.

I don't know how long we were just staring at each other, Uruha's sudden disturbance (it hadn't been anything else but that) completely forgotten.   
Something else I had obviously forgotten as well was that I was human and that I needed air and that caused me to release the heavy huff of breath that I had caught.

Apparently, the sound of my trembling exhale was what pulled Aoi out of whatever kind of hypnose he'd been in, shaking his head as he placed my foot on the ground and arose to his feet.   
_Wait, is he going to leave already??_  
  
"Nothing," he said and I gaped at him, head reclined to even be able to look at him properly.   
  
What the hell was wrong?   
  
"Aoi, I-"   
  
"Do you want to go out with me? For dinner, I mean. Tonight?"

 

Did I mention that I was gaping? Because now I **really** was.   
And I was blushing again, seemingly something Aoi was fond of doing to me. Of course he was aware of it as he looked at me, his countenance back to the confident, almost arrogant expression that I knew on him but the warm smile that still lingered on those beautiful lips of his was proof that something was still... different.   
  
"Uh... I-I...," I began to stutter.   
Fuck, I couldn't do this. Not when he was looking at me like this, with those chocolate brown eyes and that expectant look.

Aoi was so full of himself, he **knew** I wouldn't decline. Well, I couldn't. Not when I knew, **hoped** , that something, **anything** , was going to happen. Tonight.   
I gulped, literally starting to shudder under his glance that was still incessantly targeted at me.   
  
"Uhm... yeah. Yes, sure. I-I'd love to."   
  
The broad smile that spread on Aoi's lips immediately teared at my heart strings and I was so caught up in thoughts of what might or might not be happening tonight that I didn't even notice how he went back to crouching in front of me.

Why the hell did Aoi want to go out with me?   
  
Why me?   
  
Was it some kind of... redemption for treating me like a kid yesterday?   
  
_Maybe he wants to fuck you at last.  
_  
 _Shut.the fuck.up._

"Good. What do you think of that Mongolian restaurant downtown?"   
  
_Huh? What?  
_  
 _Sorry, your hand on my knee is distracting me.  
_  
 _Yutaka. Stop.thinking.  
_  
I blinked and looked at him, downwards this time and the hand on my knee made me **extremely** nervous. A small smile appeared on my lips before I nodded. Although I knew that it was probably completely useless, I was still trying to hide **everything** that was going on inside me.  
  
"Yeah... sounds great," I replied ultimately and I don't know why I did what I did next but my hand was moving on his own and in the end I'm thankful it did. Because that gesture, my hand slowly placing itself on top of Aoi's, was what started... **_us_**.

And we knew. We realized it right then and there. But we didn't say anything.   
  
"Great. I'll pick you up around 8. Will you be okay with your ankle?"   
  
My heart was beating so indescribably fast within its cage, I was afraid it was going to jump out of my chest at any second with the way he curled his fingers around my hand and squeezed it lightly, his eyes watching me with the utmost attention.   
Already at that moment did my heart know to whom it belonged.   
  
_He cares about you._   
  
The smile on my lips lost its nervousness and I nodded honestly. "Yes, I'll be okay."   
  
_Fuck, kiss me already, I'm_ ** _begging_** _you._  
  
Aoi stood up again, this time really to leave apparently although it seemed like he wanted to draw out the skin contact as long as possible. I was basking in the feeling of our fingertips brushing together, just the way they did now, loosing contact slowly as if we didn't want to let go.

The raven before me straightened fully and headed to the hallway and while he put on his shoes I tried to stand up myself but the pain shot back into the sprained part of my ankle and I sunk back onto the couch with a frustrated huff. My eyes automatically lifted as well as the corners of my mouth when Aoi appeared in the doorway again, now dressed in his black leather jacket as well.   
  
"Until tonight then. Don't walk around too much, 'kay?"   
  
Oh please.   
  
His words made me laugh and I could feel the dimple on my left cheek and I could see how Aoi's smile widened in turn.   
  
"Well, it's not like I can stay on this couch all day, right? Unless you'd take me to that restaurant looking like... this."   
I motioned at the sweatpants and the tank top I had put on and chuckled.

_Yutaka, are you flirting?_

_Mhm._

_Wow._

_I know._

Aoi's lips - the lips that were hopefully, **hopefully** , going to kiss me tonight - curled into his trademark smirk.   
"That's true, maybe not to the restaurant."  
  
And it took me quite a while to get that innuendo.   
  
_Maybe not to the restaurant...  
_  
 _...but it's fine for my bedroom._   
  
"Or I can just stay and carry you around all day if that's what you want."   
  
What?

"What? No!" I laughed, blushing madly again and it started to get annoying. Couldn't he just leave now and stop... whatever he was doing here??   
  
"No no, I'm fine. I'll be fine until tonight."   
  
Aoi laughed and God, it was the most beautiful, contagious laugh I had ever heard. "Alright then. I'll see you at 8," he waved and was out the door seconds later.

I blinked and took a deep breath.   
  
Slumping back on the couch, I let out a huff while staring at my ceiling.   
  
I had a date with my bandmate.   
  
Ugh.

°°°  
°°°

He was stunningly handsome.   
The high ponytail had always been the hairstyle I liked on him the most, it suited him and made him look almost posh with his black pants and that white, flannel-like looking shirt on top that was partially covered by an equally black vest.   
He was **gorgeous** **.**

If I was to go into detail about our dinner date, you'd still be sitting here the day after tomorrow.   
What probably surprised me the most was how much of a gentleman Aoi was being throughout the entire evening. Opening doors, pulling the chair back for me and paying for our meal were only the superficial features of that completely different side of him.   
It was the way he acted around me that made me feel like I was absolutely safe with him, I felt like I was even able to overcome my shyness, I was comfortable and honestly, I didn't want it to stop.   
I felt that something big was about to start and it wasn't my imagination. (Not this time.)   
The occurrences of earlier in the day were still lingering between us although none of us ever mentioned it. I knew it was there and he knew it too.

Aoi was being so careful all the time, moving so elegantly although he was dressed so casually, he was saying all the right things at the right time and he was so serious in a way that I couldn't really explain to myself.   
In other words, Aoi had changed beyond recognition.

And I enjoyed it. A lot.   
He made me laugh and through all the perfect things he did and said, there was still his usual, dorky self shining through from time to time and that's what I've always loved about him. No matter how much he changed in order to appeal to his opponent, Aoi didn't **really** care about people's opinion as long as it wasn't somebody he truly cared about, he was loyal to himself and who he wanted to be and he was confident in a way I knew I could never be.

Aoi was strong. He was somebody to look up to, I noticed during our dinner. I noticed that I have always been looking up to him, all those years had **he** been the one I strived to be like.   
We didn't have to voice it out loud but the accidental brushing of fingertips, fleeting touches and deep glances, none of it was coincidence.   
I don't know if he ever felt something similar during the evening but all of it, our interactions and the way his smile, his laugh, his touch, his glances made my heart stumble and stutter and miss beats, it all led me mind to only one, truly credible realization.   
And that was, that Aoi was about to become the love of my life.

°°°  
°°°

It was silent when I stepped out of Aoi's car, hours and hours later and the only light gave the motion detector above my front door.   
We weren't even saying anything, everything was... peaceful.   
I rummaged through my bag while walking up the few stairs to the entrance, fishing out my keys.  
He followed me, waiting for me to find them and then he opened his mouth to speak but I was quicker.  
"Thanks for the evening, Aoi. I really enjoyed it," I said, smiling up at him and it was a miracle that the keys in my fingers weren't rustling from how hard I was shaking by now.

And there we stood, in the middle of the night, with nothing but chirping crickets and darkness around us, under a yellow light cone in front of a locked door, staring and smiling at each other as if the time was standing still.   
"Kai."  
I gulped when he finally began, my eyes glued to his face and how insecure he suddenly seemed to be as if I hadn't already shown him enough how much I wanted him.   
I was **craving** for his kiss.   
Aoi lifted a hand, knitted eyebrows relaxing a bit when he saw that I wasn't backing away but instead even leaning in to the strong palm that cupped my cheek.   
Our eyes met and I still don't know why he was even asking.   
"May I kiss you?"

 _Finally_ _._  
My lips turned into a gentle smile.  
It was overwhelming, the sudden feeling of having found somebody, **him** **,** the feeling of how everything, **this** **,** went without saying.   
I nodded, briefly.   
The beautiful smile that spread over Aoi's lips faded into black pretty quickly as I closed my eyes, the feeling of his arms around my waist the last thing I felt before loosing every ability to form coherent thoughts.

He kissed me.   
And my heart stopped beating for a little eternity.   
His lips were softer than I had imagined, molding perfectly against mine, his kiss slow and sensual and **deep** **.** He was easily taking control, making me melt against his chest, making me give in to his embrace that held me so securely against his own athletic body.   
I think it really was a small eternity that passed there.   
There was no tongue involved and I knew he did it on purpose because he knew I was longing for the feeling of that perfect, innocent, very first kiss.   
He gave me exactly what I wanted and in turn took all the breath I had to offer.   
The way we broke apart almost happened in slow motion but his lips - oh his beautiful, _beautiful_ lips - were still close enough to make me feel his breath on mine when he whispered and sealed my fate.  
"I'm in love with you."

As I said, it was a given.   
His words were the electro shock my heart needed in order to start beating again.  
And I was finally, **finally** , able to say the words I had been holding back, suppressing, hiding for so, so long.  
"I'm in love with you, too, Aoi."   
The raven's throat bobbed in a swallow and soon our lips met again, my hand coming up to caress the side of his neck, silently thanking him for redeeming me at last from the torture I'd been going through, the torture I'd set upon me myself.   
And **God** , I needed him.   
And I knew he felt it even worse than me, the way he was gasping when we broke apart once again.   
"Will you let me stay another night?" he asked, fucking gentleman that he was, his voice a hoarse whisper, his promise pure sin.

I couldn't help but to chuckle a bit, even as he loosened his embrace around me so I could unlock the door.   
"Hm," I made, "I could pass out from exhaustion again."   
Needless to say, he got the clue, smirked as he followed me inside through a now open door, into my home, into my heart, into my soul.  
"I'll catch you."

If only I had known that I was letting the devil into my bed.

 


	6. He's coming with ME.

S A T U R D A Y

Something that tickled my neck was causing my entire body to shiver.

And in addition, something felt super hot on my face.   
My eyelids fluttered open hesitantly but I groaned softly when that super hot thing turned out to be the sun and it was so bright I had to squeeze my eyes shut again.   
For some strange reason, I felt particularly peaceful and happy this morning and I couldn't quite figure out why yet.   
I sniffed and swallowed a small lump that had formed in my throat before lifting a hand to shield my eyes from the sun.   
The air of this autumn morning smelled nicely fresh and clean and as I was trying to peek past the sunbeams, I could see that the sky outside was of a bright, flawless blue.

Then I felt that shiver again, running from my neck all the way down my spine and it was only seconds later that I finally noticed the strong arm that was draped over my waist from behind. I blinked and tried to make myself aware of my surroundings. With one deep inhale, I was sensing it all.   
The warm shudder was caused by someone's breath hitting my neck, a bare chest rising and falling steadily while pressed to my back and the naked skin of hairless legs tangled with mine.

I smiled and closed my eyes again, relishing in the closeness and embrace of the man behind me.   
And oh God, now that I was very slowly turning around I felt my body hurting in all the right, the good places. I was sore as fuck.

Aoi grumbled quietly once I had turned around in his arms and I couldn't keep myself from giggling even though I tried to suppress it.

"Mn, why are you awake already?" he mumbled and tightened his arm over my stomach, pulling me even closer. I shivered again but this time it was due to the simple action of him leaning down and nuzzling my cheek with the tip of his nose.  
"Sorry, I just woke up," I replied with another soft laugh and turned my head so I could nuzzle him back. Aoi's lips curled into a lazy smile, his voice hoarse with the aftermath of having just woken up.   
"Good mornin'."   
"Morning."   
And then he opened his eyes.

I could feel my breath getting stuck in my throat once they were fluttering across my face, showering me with unspoken affection and making my heart skip a few important beats.   
I didn't seem to be able to fathom what was happening. The way Aoi had quite literally made love to me last night was still stuck in my bones and one glance into his eyes made all the feelings flood back into my mind, the way he'd been pushing and pounding, caressing and stroking with the sexiest groans I had ever heard hitting my ears and it had caused me to leave some serious scratches down his shoulder blades. Oh well, he was just too good, alright?   
In fact, he was better than I had expected. Better than he'd been in any of my fantasies.

I giggled.   
"How's your back doing?"   
Lifting one hand to brush a few lost strands of brown hair out of my forehead, Aoi chuckled with that deep tone of voice of his.

"I'm fine, don't worry. How are you doing, though?" 

"I'm fine, too. A little sore but it was worth it," I said with the most satisfied expression possible on my face and snuggled up to him. It wasn't as if I wasn't already feeling hot enough with him just lying next to me or the sun shining straight into my bedroom but I was simply craving for some more... lovey-dovey.   
"Hmhm, good," Aoi chuckled again and embraced me tightly before rolling over on his back and in turn pulling me right on top of him.   
I gasped as I braced both hands on either side of his head, my eyes devouring every tiny detail from the nest of midnight black, untidy hair over finely curved lips to defined collarbones. He was more beautiful than I could actually take.   
And he was half naked.   
And in my bed.   
And absolutely stunning.   
And he was mine.

"Hey there," Aoi looked up at me, the smile on his lips having turned into his full-blown, trademark smirk. While his hands were grabbing a firm hold of my hips, I leaned down to bring my face closer to his and Aoi instantly reacted, leaning up to meet my lips halfway.   
I groaned softly, my eyelids fluttering shut once our lips were rubbing and moving against each other in a lazy pace, hands roaming over the naked skin of my sides and waist.   
"Mn... Mm, Aoi, wait-"   
I giggled and pulled back from our kiss. "I have morning breath so don't kiss me too much! Besides..."

Darting a quick glance towards the alarm clock on my nightstand, I involuntarily blushed and smirked at the same time at... well, spotting the condom from last night that Aoi had put there.   
A delicious goosebumps ran down my spine.   
"Besides what?"   
Aoi's questioning tone was making me switch my attention back to him and I snickered, swinging a leg over his lap so that I could sit up.   
"Besides, we're super late. Ruki's gonna tear our heads off."   
I tried to hide the painful twitching of my muscles when I sat up but of course Aoi noticed though he didn't say anything. All that I thought I had seen was a contented smile on his beautiful lips.

Argh, I was just hoping I wasn't going to limp!   
The raven chuckled amusedly, sat up as well and I gave him a fond smile once he began planting small kisses on my shoulder.   
"He'll survive. Mm, I'll hop into the shower while you prepare breakfast?"   
Perching his chin on my shoulder, Aoi smiled and that smile made my entire body tingle with... things I couldn't put into words.   
He really wanted to have breakfast? I was pretty concerned, knowing Ruki's temper and that he tended to always get angry when one of us arrived late at the studio. I didn't really want to risk that.

"But-"  
"We're already late anyway, Baby, don't worry," Aoi cut me off. "And I don't need an eternity to shower, do I?"   
He tapped the knuckle of a finger under my chin and arose to his feet, completely ignoring the worried look on my face. But on the other hand, he was right, wasn't he? We were already half an hour late either way.   
I sighed softly, then giggled as I reclined my head to look up at him, my eyes brushing eagerly over his naked torso.

God, his beauty was still breathtaking. 

"I don't know, do you?" I joked and instantly earned an elegantly raised eyebrow in response.   
Aoi huffed out a laugh and leaned down towards me.  
"I'm sure I don't need as long as you need to prepare my breakfast, you slowpoke."   
Then he pecked my lips, winked at me playfully and was out the door the next second.   
I smiled.

°°°  
°°°

My hands seemed to turn into icicles the second I got out of Aoi's Audi. Despite the sun shining at its brightest, it had actually lost all of its warmth and it was freezing cold. 

"Damn it, it's way too cold for autumn," I muttered and buried my nose deeper in the scarf around my neck.   
Sniffing I watched Aoi fetching his second black guitar - the reason why we had had to drive to his place before heading to the studio - out of the trunk. He was wearing a black winter coat that almost reached down to his knees, making him seem like some super elegant, super rich and super hot businessman. Well, I guess he was everything but the businessman.  
"That's what you have me for," he then snickered once he'd locked the car, guitar case in one hand and soon the other hand found mine.

"Haha," I made, attempting to appear unamused but of course I failed. Hand in hand, Aoi and I made our way to the main entrance of the studio building and just such a simple act of holding hands (in semi-public, at that) was making my heart flutter.   
"What, don't you think I'm hot enough?" Aoi mocked and let go my hand only briefly to open the door for me.

A charming smile banned on my lips, I stepped past him and turned around, smiling that smile at him while walking inside backwards.   
"That's not what I said."   
"But you were thinking it."  
"No way."   
"Kai."  
"Aoi." 

The raven giggled to himself, stepping in and closing the door behind him. Before I even knew, I was trapped in a strong one-armed embrace, full lips pressing and moving against mine so passionately I was forced to return it despite knowing what risk we were taking, kissing right here in the middle of the freaking entrance hall. Both of my hands were absently moving to settle on Aoi's chest and the pressure applied to my lower back was causing me to arch towards him. 

"I'll make you feel very hot tonight to make up for it, okay?" Aoi purred against my lips once we broke apart for air. 

Ugh, damn you. 

I took an audible breath, feeling the heat rising into my cheeks but I couldn't reply. He knew that whenever he teased me like that I lost all ability to think and he was shamelessly using it to his advantage, leaving me with flushed cheeks and him with something to chuckle at. I did want to retort though, however, I was a) unable to come up with something cheeky and b) interrupted by a voice that suddenly resounded behind us and scared the hell out me.

"You fucking lovebirds, move your fucking asses!"

I jumped in surprise and so did Aoi, quickly letting go of me and lifting his head to look at whoever had spoken. I followed his eyes and turned around, blushing even more at realising we had just been caught in the act.   
"Uh, Tora, we-"   
"Oh please," Tora instantly lifted a hand to stop me from trying to explain myself, his expression somewhere between amused and... well, not grossed out but you know, the face you're making when copping friends from another band making out.   
"I don't even want to know. Really."   
The guitarist crossed his arms in front of his chest and I couldn't stop fidgeting where I stood, shifting my weight from one foot to the other.   
"Uhm..."   
"He's angry, isn't he?" Aoi then asked, stepping forward and reaching for my hand.   
"Fucking livid, man," Tora answered and turned to one of the water dispensers to our left.  
"On a scale of one to ten?"  
"A thousand."   
"Damn."

I wished I could just melt straight down into the ground.  
Aoi's grip on my hand was firm and self-confident, secure, but it only made me blush all the more. Damn, I knew Ruki was going to get furious at us being late.   
Tora knew why now and he didn't seem to mind, but Ruki?   
I shuddered and tugged at Aoi's hand, moving towards the elevators and pulling him along.   
"We should go then, hm?"   
I tugged again, my heart racing with nervousness but Aoi just wouldn't follow. Simply giving my hand a short squeeze, he faced Tora again and although it was his back facing me, I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Hey, you won't tell anybody about... y'know?" he queried and briefly nodded in my direction.   
My eyes flew back and forth between the two of them. Ugh.   
"Are you kidding? Of course I won't!" Tora replied and took the plastic cup from the dispenser, filling it with water.  
"Besides, I don't know if you know but practically the entire PSC has bets going on about your... you know, love life. And it's way more fun for me to see them all losing their money because they surely didn't bet on you ending up with Kai."

Oh great, great, floor please, open up for me. My fingers fumbled for the button of the elevator, pushing it several times. It seemed the soft pling noise of the elevator doors opening caught Aoi's attention again and he finally turned around. After waving and throwing a quick thank you at Tora, he joined me and a low chuckle spilled from his lips.

I snorted, "I don't know what there's to chuckle about, Aoi."   
I pressed the button of the second floor, the theGazettE-floor, located right between AliceNine on the first and Kra on the third. 

"Aaww, come on," Aoi cooed and put his guitar case down once the doors were closed, leaving me totally at his mercy.   
The Raven extended both arms and I swear, when he was looking at me like this with those beautiful, fawn eyes and a knowing smirk on his lips, I couldn't resist, couldn't stop him from wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me close against him.

"He won't tell anybody," he whispered and lifted a hand, fingertips tracing my temple.   
Chewing on my lip, I looked up at him and I knew concern was written all over my face. And I knew he saw it but he was playing it down.   
"I know but... what if management finds out?" I asked with a knit to my eyebrows.   
Aoi sighed.   
"Kai, baby, so what? Are you afraid they'll throw us out? Come on, you know they'd never risk losing us."   
"But I- mm!"

His lips on mine were silencing my words and thoughts instantly and I couldn't keep myself from lifting both arms and wrapping them around his neck. He pulled me even closer, lapped at my lips but I didn't grant him the access he was asking for. 

"Mm, Kai, come on..." 

"Mm-mm, no french kisses at the office," I purred back with a teasing tone to my voice, loosening my arms around him and brushing one hand down his chest. I could feel his heart beating strongly beneath my palm and felt the air he exhaled with a snort hitting my lips. 

"Are you kidding? I can kiss you whenever and wherever the fuck I want," he growled and smashed his lips back against mine, his embrace tighter than before and it was almost forcefully that he pushed his tongue past my lips and into my mouth, stroking against my own and making me moan involuntarily. I tried to push him away but his arms were strong and muscled and made it completely impossible for me to move so I had to give in, had to melt, had to moan louder and give him exactly what he wanted.

We didn't notice the next, soft pling noise indicating that we've reached our floor and the doors opened while Aoi and I were still pretty... busy.

"What the fuck!?"

I was startled, winced and immediately pulled back from Aoi's embrace. My eyes widened and Aoi's expression was just as shocked as my own but it wasn't even close to the shock that was spread across Reita's face. 

"What the hell are you doing?!" the bassist demanded to know, gaping at us with a bowl and a spoon in his hands, looking like a deer about to be run over and with eyebrows lifted so high they were almost disappearing under his bangs.   
We just stared at each other for quite a while, my fingers clutching Aoi's black coat.

"Uuh..." 

I could feel how I was starting to blush again, giving Aoi even more reason to keep that one arm wrapped around my waist while the other shot forward to keep the elevator's doors from closing again.

"It's called kissing, noseless. I'm sure you've seen that before," he replied dryly, picked up his guitar case and finally removed his arm.

Just when I was about to sigh in relief, Aoi grabbed my hand tightly and stepped out of the elevator, dragging me along and I stumbled to follow him quickly, only able to throw an apologetic glance at Reita before we were already rushing past him.

°°°  
°°°

Just as expected, Ruki was pretty... angry.   
And when I say angry I mean flushed cheeks, clenched fists and yelling.   
I wanted to apologize, I really wanted!, but Aoi didn't let me. A simple "We were busy with each other" was enough of an explanation for him. Of course Ruki saw that a little differently.   
"Don't you fob me off with that, Shiroyama!"   
"Oh God, calm down!"   
"Shiroyama! I swe- "  
"I have a name!"   
"I don't fucking care! Rehearsal is more important than anything!"   
"Ruki, please -"   
"Shut up, Uruha!"

I sighed and rubbed my fingers over my forehead. Watching Aoi and Ruki fight wasn't a pretty sight, not when the both of them had difficulties keeping their temper at bay sometimes.   
"Ruki, look," I began, trying to calm him down at least a little, "We went to bed late and I forgot to set my alarm, okay? We're sorry!"   
Ruki twirled around, manicured hands settled on both hips as he stared at me with a stubborn frown on his face. 

"I swear, if this happens again- "

"It won't!" I cut him short and rolled my eyes. I never understood why he got so angry at any of us being late to rehearsal. It wasn't as if we had to "learn" everything from scratch! 

"It won't, okay?" 

And I could see that Uruha thought the same, rolling his eyes just like me and rather busying himself with his guitar than listening to Ruki's endless rants.   
And Reita?   
Well, Reita still seemed to be pretty shocked. He was clearly trying to concentrate more on adjusting the strings of his bass than listening to or even looking at us and it made me feel bad. Aoi had probably aimed for that, for getting caught, whereas I would most likely have preferred to keep it a secret, at least for now.

In an attempt to make it up to Ruki, I suggested to go first with the drum solo but he declined, stubborn diva that he was so I sighed and decided that it was of no use.   
The first part of rehearsal went on and on and it felt like half an eternity until Ruki finally announced a break. Aoi was by my side only seconds after I've climbed down from the drum kit.   
"We'll go for a smoke, okay?"   
His words conjured a knowing smirk on my face and now it was me who reached for his hand, twining our fingers.   
Trust us to not only go for a smoke.

°°°  
°°°

Uruha followed the two of them with his eyes and as soon as they were out the door, his head snapped up. His eyes were emphatically glued to Reita's face, seeing through him instantly.   
God damn it, this was fucked up and not only Ruki's shaky exhale hitting his ears a few moments later was proof for that.   
God damn it, Aoi.

"I need coffee," Reita stated and put his bass aside a little too harshly before disappearing out of the room.   
Uruha took a deep breath, exhaling it in an exasperated huff. This couldn't be happening right now. Giving Ruki a meaningful glance, Uruha arose to his feet and followed Reita into their studio kitchen.   
Finding the bassist with both hands braced on the counter and his head hanging between his shoulders, was no surprise.   
"He's such an ass."

Reita's voice was so suddenly sounding exhausted and Uruha felt his heart cringe once he'd closed the door with a soft click.   
"Rei...?"

Uruha slowly stepped closer, a sympathetic expression on his face.   
"Hey, I... I'm- "  
"It's fine. I guess he was just quicker than me."  
Reita lifted his head again, turning around and leaning against the kitchen counter, his countenance inscrutable. Uruha couldn't help but feel sorry for him.   
"I guess my plan to confess doesn't really... work out anymore now," Reita muttered bitterly and ran a hand over his face, the motion accompanied by a heavy sigh.   
Uruha's eyebrows shot up.   
"You were planning to confess? You didn't tell me about that."

Reita just shrugged, clearly avoiding his best friend's gaze. "I wasn't sure about it quite yet but... yeah, I wanted to." 

Oh God damn it. 

"Fuck..."

Uruha cursed and copied Reita's move of running a hand over his face, sighing as he walked over to him to lean against the counter top as well.   
Silence reigned between them for a little while.

Uruha stared and blinked blankly at the floor and he wished to God that the trembling of Reita's shoulders next to him was only imagination. Reita wasn't one to show feelings so openly, not like Ruki or Kai did and he tended to show affection through actions rather than words.   
And that was the reason Uruha had almost immediately realized that, a few months ago, Reita had begun to act differently. Especially towards Kai.

And now they were here and the sound of his best friend's heart breaking right next to him resounded like thunder in Uruha's ears.

"I'm really sorry."   
"Don't be, I won't be able to change anything anyway."  
"But- "  
"No. You know Aoi."   
A bitter snort fell from the honey-blonde's lips. "Yeah, I do."   
"So you know that now it's better stay away from Kai for me."   
Uruha hummed.

"Will you?"

Silence again, for a short while but it was broken by Reita's deep chuckle and as soon as that sound reached his ears, Uruha grinned. What a dumb question to ask.

"No. No, I guess not."

°°°  
°°°

"I swear I need a drink right now."

I chuckled and tugged one leg under the other thigh, taking a sip from my glass of water. 

"What kind of drink are you talking about?" I asked.  
Ruki closed his laptop with a definite click and leaned back in his chair, huffing out a breath and shrugging. 

"I don't care as long as it's alcohol." 

"But you know that- "

"You can't handle alcohol, Ruki. Not at all."   
Reita flopped down beside Ruki and I gave both of them an amused look. Reita's eyes met mine for a brief second and his lips curled into a soft smile which I returned. I was just about to suggest the bar we liked to frequent after particularly hard rehearsal but this time it was Uruha cutting me short.

"I'm totally in. I'm in. I need sake." 

I turned to him with another amused frown.

"You drunkheads, what's wrong with you?" 

"Aaw come on, you haven't been drinking for a while either!" Uruha interposed and threw a rebuking glance at me. 

"Exactly! Come on, join us!" 

My eyes swept back and forth between Uruha and Reita who was in turn giving me an almost begging glance. Drumming my fingers on the table, I gazed at Ruki. Lifting both hands into the air as if in defense, the latter shook his head. 

"Don't look at me, man. Ask your boyfriend," he replied and nodded towards the door behind me. I blinked in confusion and turned my head around. 

"Eh? But- " 

My words were swallowed by a kiss directly pressed to my lips from behind, Aoi's hands on the back rest of my chair. 

"Mn... what do you want to ask your boyfriend?" he cooed against my lips before looking up at the others.

I smiled and turned back to them as well. I saw Reita rolling his eyes or at least I think I saw it? I wasn't quite sure and couldn't think of a reason for him to do so, so I brushed it off. 

"We' like to go for a drink and they asked us to join. What do you think?" I asked and eyed Aoi questioningly. I watched his facial expression slackening and then there was a pout appearing on his lips and he almost seemed offended.

"No, you're coming home with me. I'd rather spend my evening with you," he complained, his voice definite. He left no space for protest and leaned down again, pressing a kiss to a spot right behind my ear.

"Did you forget what I promised you earlier?"

Of course he would make me blush in front of everybody. My cheeks felt so hot suddenly and I had to giggle inevitably to make up for the awkward silence rising between us.

"Uh... no. No, I didn't. But- "

"Good!" he interrupted me, straightening and his offended expression had completely disappeared. Instead he was showing off a very satisfied looking smirk.

"I'll wait downstairs."

And that said, he reached for his coat and was out the door.

"Hey! Aoi!" I cat-called at him but he was either too far gone already or just ignoring me, like earlier today.   
I sighed heavily and kept staring at the door for a while before turning back to Ruki, Uruha and Reita.   
And all three of them were gretting me with a look of utter disapproval and raised brows.   
Yeah yeah, I know, I should've defended myself but oh well, I didn't even feel like drinking tonight.

I raised both hands.

"Sorry guys. But you know him, he always gets what he wants," I hiked my shoulders.  
Ruki rolled his eyes at that before getting up and Reita and Uruha exchanged a quick glance that I couldn't really construe.   
Showing them an apologetic smile, I got up to fetch my coat and scarf and put it on hurriedly. I didn't want Aoi to wait for too long.

"I'll see you on Tuesday!" I quickly exclaimed before rushing out the door and taking the elevator down to the ground floor.   
Sure, I knew they were probably, most definitely, disappointed that I preferred to spend my evening with Aoi rather than go out with them but on the other hand: Without having to give an explanation, they had understood what was going on between Aoi and me and we didn't talk for hours about it.

They were happy that we'd finally made the step towards each other (at least that's what Ruki had said) and thus I was pretty sure they'd forgive me.

"You are so full of yourself, arent' you?" I laughed once I stepped out of the building and saw Aoi leaning against the Audi with a cigarette sticking between his lips.

For some fucked up reason, the car was perfectly parked beneath a street light and so Aoi was standing in his own, special spot light.   
He smirked at me as he looked up.

"So what? I'm full of myself and you were still unable to resist me."

"Hey, don't use my feelings against me!"   
He threw his cigarette to the ground and shook his head with a deep chuckle that made me shiver even more than I already did because of the cold.  
He was right, though. I was unable to resist him despite his sometimes arrogant demeanor.

But I didn't hink he was behaving like this intentionally. It was just some kind of self-protection meassure. In fact, Aoi was a very loving person, he was loyal and someone to rely on, he cared about the people he loved. Which is why I'd fallen in love with him in the first place.

Oh, and trust Aoi to keep his promises, too.


	7. Hello and Goodbye.

T U E S D A Y

 

_I didn't see it happen, I swear I didn't. You might want to call it blinded by love? Fact was that, with_ _Aoi_ _, I was in heaven. It was all I had ever dreamt of and looking back at it now, I'm sure my friends had been dreaming about it too, though with the slight difference that for them it had been nightmares. But I didn't see it. And when someone else did, it was already too late._

_°°°_   
_°°°_

"I actually think GABRIEL would fit quite well here, it keeps the pace up after RM."

"Kai. Baby, hey. Hey."

I was hardly able to concentrate, not on Ruki explaining the setlist for an upcoming concert nor on drumming my fingers on the dark wooden table we were all sitting around. Actually, the latter was nothing more than an attempt to ignore Aoi's consistent whispers and hissed words hitting my ears from where he sat- well, quite opposite me. (It was a round table, you know, like Arthur's knights.)   
The corners of my mouth were already twitching into a grin.   
Up until now Ruki didn't let that disturb him but I could already see the small knit between his eyebrows, indicating that he was quite literally about to explode.

"I'm okay with that but you can't just switch from RM to Guren, that's way too sudden. We'll have to gradually slow down until starting the ballads."

"Mm, I agree with Reita there."

Ruki shrugged and drew a large arrow to switch Guren's position from where it was quite at the top to the lower third of the setlist. "Hm, maybe DRIPPING INSANITY? After RM?"

"Kai...! Baby, baby, baby. He-"

_BAM!_

"Whoa!"   
I jumped in surprise when all of a sudden Ruki was slamming his palms down on the table with a loud bang, his nasal wings billowed with an exasperated exhale and an absolute death glare directed at me.   
All of us stared at him in silence, Reita and Uruha most likely in annoyance and Aoi in amusement. I, however, knew what was going on of course.   
"Kai," Ruki said with a dangerously calm voice, black framed eyes glistening at me.   
"Would you-" he pointed both of his hands at Aoi, though he was still looking at me, very obviously livid, " ** _please_** _._ "

We kept staring at each other for a few seconds before his raised eyebrow made me even more aware of the unpleasant silence. I sighed and got up, making Ruki exhale fitfully and Aoi lift his arms.  
Naturally I didn't miss the triumphant smirk on my boyfriend's lips as I made my way towards him.   
"Baby," he murmured and pulled me down as soon as I was within his reach. Sitting down on his lap sideways and draping an arm around his neck, I couldn't help but giggle. He was just too fucking adorable, the way he embraced me so tightly with both arms around my waist and made me laugh again, his lips soon finding my cheek and pressing one, two kisses to my skin.

Usually, I wasn't one to be that lovey-dovey so openly but it was Aoi who initiated it all so... I couldn't resist.

"Guys, can we...?"

"Huh?" I turned my head away from where I'd been busy being **_really_** lovey-dovey with Aoi (and I'm saying **_breathless_** if you know what I mean) and just like it'd been last time, Reita, Uruha and Ruki were greeting me with lifted eyebrows and disapproving glances.

I giggled nervously, a stark contrast to the low chuckle that escaped Aoi's throat in turn.  
"Oh. Yes, right, sorry Ru. Go on, we'll listen now."

Our vocalist threw us a last, doubtful glance before turning his attention back to the pieces of paper in front of him. And of course, **_of course_** , Aoi couldn't keep his hands to himself. Ruki wasn't even halfway done with his second sentence when his hand began stroking up my thigh, dangerously close to the inside of it.   
I felt an instant shudder running through my body and the knowing smirk on Aoi's lips was more than enough to let me know that he felt it too.   
It was with gritted teeth that I squirmed on his lap, trying so hard to concentrate on Ruki's explanations but god damn hell, that hand was driving me crazy.   
"Aoi," I murmured with a warning voice. "Stop it."

"Mm, stop what?" was the reply I got, a breathy whisper against my temple.   
"Whatever the hell you're doing!" I hissed back, reaching for said hand and trying to push it away but Aoi was only taking it to his advantage. He swiftly entwined our fingers with a chuckle of his own. Well, at least he'd stopped trying to get me hard (not that he hadn't succeeded). Soon after, he pressed a gentle kiss to my cheek and I felt my heart fluttering.   
"Just a small foretaste on tonight," he whispered against my ear and squeezed my hand. Oh fuck this guy and his fucking seductive voice, what on earth was he doing?? And how was he able to stay so calm? His eyes hadn't left Ruki and the others, not once! I freed my hand from his, only to lift it and play with the cleavage of his shirt like some fidgety school girl. His eyes were on my face now and I felt my cheeks heating up.

"Well anyway, I guess the details can be discussed tomorrow. But the basics are okay, right?"

"Yup."

"Yup, fine with me."

"Kai? Aoi?"

My head snapped up with a jerk, my eyes now wide with confusion.   
"What?" I asked, simpering. "Oh! Uh... sure. Sure, fine with me."   
I gulped and tried to smile a little broader but my friend's deadpan faces didn't exactly make me feel like smiling.   
I sighed and scratched the back of my head.   
"Sorry guys."

I saw Uruha opening his mouth, he was smiling now so I hoped that he was going to say something comforting but- Aoi beat him to it. (Of course he did.)   
"Okay so... Break now? Baby, come on and let's get some coffee," he said and padded my hips, prompting me to stand up and only a second later, Aoi was grabbing my hand and tugging at it, pulling me along and out of the conference room. A giggle slipped from my lips as I followed him to the kitchen without so much as throwing a glance back at the others.

°°°  
°°°

They stayed silent for at least another twenty seconds. Ruki was chewing on his pencil, eyebrows still furrowed.   
Uruha's eyes were darting back and forth between bassist, vocalist and the door through which rhythm and drums had disappeared. He didn't exactly know why but he winced when Reita beside him broke the silence with something that was most likely supposed to sound casual but didn't at all.

"So, does anyone else want coffee?"

"Are you sure you want to go in there right now?"

"Eh, why not? I can just ignore them."

"Hm."  
That was all Uruha made in response. Damn, was he the only one actually **_realizing_** what was going on here? Between all of them?    
He didn't have much time to think about it though, seeing as Reita was already heading out and Ruki was suddenly talking again.   
"When did he get so annoying?" he muttered exasperatedly and rested his forehead on the desk. Uruha giggled.   
"What's so annoying about him, he just wants to get us some coff-"  
"Not Reita. Aoi." 

Oh. Well, that was something completely different. Uruha sighed. There was still some rehearsal to be done, right?   
"I don't know, ask him."   
"Pff, you're joking."

The smile curling Uruha's lips faltered a bit. No, no, he wasn't joking at all. He had no clue what was going on. Aoi was acting differently. Uruha had seen him in relationships before and he knew that Aoi was possessive by nature but somehow he couldn't stop himself from worrying about Kai. It was a feeling gnawing at his core that he couldn't quite figure out but it was there and he was unable to shake it off.

It was with another sigh that he got up from his chair, running a hand through his dark brown hair. "Whatever," he said. "I'm sure we'll make it work. Come on."   
Waving a hand towards the door, he smiled at the smaller male and as response he only received a nod before Ruki was hastily gathering up the sheets of paper he'd scribbled on and then joined him on their way to the rehearsal room.

°°°  
°°°

"Aoi, could you... just let me go for a second?"

"Nope."

"But I can barely move like this."

"Baby, shut up and make coffee, I won't let you go."

I exhaled with a huff and shook my head to myself. It wasn't as if I didn't like it, quite the contrary, I loved how Aoi wanted to be so close to me all the time but having those muscled arms around my waist from behind wasn't really helpful. And it was **_especially_** of no help when the man behind you was literally capturing you against the kitchen counter.

But Aoi was Aoi and Aoi always got what he wanted so I didn't protest. Just letting him his will was probably the best way to handle him anyway.

An overly dramatic sigh made its way past my lips before I reached for the coffee capsules. Getting a grasp on them wasn't all that easy since a certain someone was still holding me firmly against him but I managed it eventually. However, when Aoi's lips were suddenly pressing to the juncture of my shoulder and neck, things got a little... more complicated.

A gasp was torn from my throat and the hand that held the capsules began to tremble. My eyelids fluttered shut and I gulped. What on earth was he doing? Was he planning on giving me hickeys? In our staff's kitchen?

"Aoi, what the- "

"Can't you just make the damn coffee and let me do my thing?"

I opened my mouth to snap something back at him but any words I could've uttered were instantly swallowed by a tongue-rich kiss. Aoi's palm was pressing to my cheek for he had turned my head halfway back towards him, pushing his tongue deeply into my mouth and I couldn't help but groan.   
The capsule was slipping out of my grasp, falling to the floor with a small _cling_ and as soon as that noise resounded, I could feel Aoi grinning against my lips. How was I supposed to live with this man if he was even able to distract me from something as trivial as making coffee?

"Get yourselves a fucking room!"

I don't know if you've noticed but Aoi and I really tended to get caught in the act. We broke apart (for obvious reasons and air) just when Reita had picked up the capsule from the floor and literally slammed it down on the kitchen counter. His glare was just as annoyed as Ruki's had been earlier.

A worried frown carved my forehead and I was just about to answer something, apologize for making him feel uncomfortable for the second time but Aoi- well, you know what happened.

"Don't be such a pussy, Suzuki. It's not like you've never seen people making out before," the raven spat at him and wrapped his arms around my waist possessively. Why were there people out there who hated him? Oh I knew. Because he could be arrogant **_as fuck._**

"Aoi, calm down, he just- "

"No, don't tell me to calm down," he shot back at me though his glare - now just as upset as Reita's - was still directed at the bassist. "I can kiss my boyfriend whenever **_I_** want, you got me? And if you feel bothered by that, I won't stop you from leaving this building." 

Reita was quite literally staring at the both of us now. And I was staring too but at Aoi because his voice was just sounding downright hostile and I had never heard him talking like this before.

"You better watch your mouth, Shiroyama."

"Oh really? Really?! Do you- "

"Guys, please!"

My voice was sounding terribly puny when I called out for them but I smelled danger. I knew Aoi wasn't exceptionally good at keeping his temper at bay and I didn't like the way they were looking at each other at all. How the hell did we get in this situation?

I took a deep breath and set both of my hands to Aoi's chest, looking up at him pleadingly and trying to block Reita out for the time being. I found it to be rather hard to keep my voice from shaking.

"Aoi, please, calm down. He didn't mean to upset you. Just... go back to Ruki and Uruha and I'll get you your coffee in a minute, okay?"

The chest beneath my palms rose with a deep intake of breath before Aoi was looking down at me again. Apparently it was my suppliant countenance that made him cool down because I could feel the tension fall off of his shoulders.   
"Fine," he said, then a glance at Reita, then back to me. "A minute."

And then he was out the door.

My body slackened.   
The darkness behind my closed eyelids wasn't enough to soothe the adrenaline rushing through my veins. Who knew what would've happened if they had been alone? Maybe they would have ended up in a fight because of me and I... I couldn't have that.

"Kai? Why- "

"I'm sorry," I muttered and didn't even notice that I cut my friend short. There was a lot of cutting short happening today, wasn't it?   
I turned back to the kitchen counter, grabbed the coffee capsule and at last managed to put it into the coffee machine and switch it on.

"I'm sorry Reita, you know he's usually not like that. I... really don't know what's up with him today."

Reita was leaning against the counter, that I could see from the corner of my eye but I didn't turn or look at him. I was afraid I would find only one thing in his eyes and that was reproach. The only thing I had seen in his eyes, or in Ruki's or Uruha's, ever since Aoi and I came out as a couple one week ago, was reproach. And I didn't understand why.

"It's fine, don't worry about it. Maybe he's just having mood swings."

Now I was looking up though, glancing at Reita wordlessly while the coffee was vociferously dribbling down into the mug. Then I smiled because there was really no reproach in Reita's eyes.   
I didn't get a word out, though, for whatever reason, I had to avert my eyes again and I felt kind of... paralyzed. 

"Kai, you wouldn't let him push you around when you're alone with him, would you?"

And those words where like the electro shock I'd needed.

My head snapped up and stared at him with wide eyes. Aoi? Pushing me around? Wow, now that was pretty absurd.

"What?" I laughed aloud.   
"Reita, he's not pushing me around at all! Everything's fine between us."

I watched the last few drops of black coffee drip into the mug and then reached for it. Aoi was waiting for it after all.

"No, Kai, I mean it," Reita replied hurriedly and grabbed my wrist. Unfortunately the sudden grip there made the mug lose its balance and I was hardly able to stop the entire content from sloshing over the edge.

"Hey, be careful!"

"Kai, really. You won't let him treat you like that, will you?"

A deep frown appeared on my forehead again. 

"Treat me like what? What the hell are you talking about?" I demanded, my voice laced with confusion as I got a small kitchen towel to wipe away the few droplets of coffee that had ended up being spilled.   
"He's not doing anything, okay? He's just himself."

"Yes, exactly."

Did I already mention that I was confused? Why was he so concerned about _**me**_ all of a sudden?   
And anyway, what made him think that Aoi was treating me badly, was he blind? Couldn't he see how happy I was? 

"Reita, I really don't know what you're talking about. Just leave it, okay? He has his days but it's not like we didn't know that before he and I got together. I can manage it."

And I really didn't want to leave him any more time to object so I grabbed the coffee (I bet it was half cold already) and stormed out the door as carefully as I could in order not to spill any more.

°°°  
°°°

Tokyo was freezing cold at the evenings. The myriads of illuminated advertisings were covered in a thing layer of snow and ice and it made everything sparkle even more than it already did. Nonetheless, the air smelled extremely fresh and clean and it was a huge relief after the thick air in our rehearsal room.

"Do you want me to cook tonight? I think I feel like it."

This was new, Aoi and I _**walking**_ home to his place from the studio , hand in hand but it felt good. And it felt real, almost as if we were a normal couple taking a walk.   
But of course we were anything but normal and it was a miracle that we weren't already surrounded by papparazzi.

"Hm," Aoi made and swayed our hands back and forth. "What do you want to cook for me then, hm?"

I smiled. Once we had left the studio building, he seemed to be so much more relaxed. Maybe it was because he was still worried on the inside? Worried that our relationship might have bigger consequences than we thought.

"I thought Teriyaki maybe. If you'd like that?"

"Ah yeah, I guess that'd be- "

And this time, it was Aoi getting disrupted.

"Yutaka? Yutaka! Hey!"

We turned around on the spot simultaneously and when I saw who it was that had called my name, my real name at that, my jaw dropped.

"Mamoru?? Ayumi??" 

"Heeeey! Long time no see, rockstar!"

"What on earth, why are you... how??"

"By plane of course. You're still the same slowpoke as eight years ago!"

I gaped and gaped and gaped and just couldn't believe it. My hand slipped out of Aoi's and I stumbled forward, as if in trance before a loud laugh escaped me and I fell into the arms of two of my best friends that I hadn't seen for eight long years. Why were they here? Just because of me?

"Oh my God, this is... amazing, I mean, awesome! How long are you planning to stay?" I asked excitedly and with a huge smile on my face. Such a surprise!

"Oh, we're actually just passing through, we're in a hotel and leaving tomorrow night. Ayumi and I are taking a trip through the country, from north to south and we decided to pay you a small visit why we're at it."

I swear the smile curling my lips was broad enough to split my face in half. They'd already been a couple when we lost sight of each other all those years ago and they were still together now. Oh, I remembered all the nights we'd spent with popcorn and horror movies. It had been so hard for me to find a fitting date due to our tight concert schedule back then but we always managed it one oway or the other. But they were leaving tomorrow already? Damn.   
Maybe I could convince Aoi to-

Oh. Speaking of.

"Oh guys, I need to introduce you to someone! Aoi!"   
I turned around with a laugh and met - cold eyes.   
Aoi's eyebrows were lifted and his arms crossed in front of his chest. Oh Goodness, not that face. Please, not _**that**_ face.

But no, no, I wasn't going to allow the mood to get dampened. I waved him over, maintaining my smile and once he made the first step forward I lunged out, grabbed his hand and literally yanked him over. He really didn't seem as enthusiastic as I would've wished but oh well. I think I might have ended up sounding a little too... proud.

"Guys, I'm sure you know him but this is Aoi, my boyfriend. Oh and Aoi, this are Mamoru and Ayumi. My best friends from eight years ago, remember?"

Mamoru stepped forward and extended a hand, smiling at the raven. I was basically clinging to Aoi's arm so he had to use the other hand to shake Mamoru's and Ayumi's afterwards.

"Nice to meet you, Aoi-san!"

"Yes, nice to meet you!"

"Mhm, likewise."

Oh why did he have to put that face on now? Couldn't he look a bit happier? Maybe? 

I groaned inwardly but did my best not to show that I was actually a little bit disappointed in his behavior. He was _**always**_ paying attention to showing his best side so why not now?

"Aoi, could we go to my place instead? Please please please, I want to spend the evening with them! I haven't seen them for so long!" I exclaimed and beamed at my two friends, and they were beaming back while nodding in agreement- but when I looked back up to Aoi, his face hadn't changed, not a bit.

Aoi was not amused. Not.at.all.

"I thought you were going to stay with me tonight."

_Oh my_ **_God_ ** _._

"I know, I know and I _**will**_ but I can't just let them go now! Please, it's just this evening! We can still drive to your place after they've left."

Damn, he wasn't going to give in so easily. I felt the knit appearing between my eyebrows and the pleading expression that settled on my face.

"Aoi, please. Pl- "

"Excuse us for a moment."

Mamoru and Ayumi were already looking a bit startled anyway (thanks, Aoi) and now that he was grabbing my hand and pulling me a few feet away from them, they were seriously looking anxious.

"What do you think you're doing, huh?"

And now it was me who looked scared like a kitten in a lightning stroke. Aoi was _**hissing**_ at me, furiously.

"This was going to be _**our**_ evening. I wanted to be alone with you, Kai."

My mouth was still agape.  Why was he doing this, showing me up like this in front of my friends?

"I... We're alone all the time, Aoi, it's just _**one**_ evening! Please, I promise- "

"No."

"Aoi-"

"I said _**no!**_ "

I stumbled. My heart stumbled, my world stumbled and my feet stumbled backwards. What the hell was going on?

My eyes were beginning to burn as I looked up at him, dumbfounded and speechless. My heart was racing within its cage, thundering and I could feel that my entire body was starting to shake uncontrollably. I didn't want to start crying in front of him or my friends, I didn't want to seem so weak but... but I was hurt! I was so happy to see them again and now he was doing this to me and I didn't even know why and...

"Yutaka?"

Our heads snapped to the side in perfect timing and one of my hands was coming up, wiping tears away that weren't even there.   
Not yet.   
Mamoru and Ayumi were approaching us carefully. It almost seemed as if they were too scared, too intimidated by Aoi's "Don't-come-near-us" posture.

"Yutaka, we really don't want to cause any trouble. We can still meet up tomorrow for lunch if that's more convenient to you?"

Mamoru's eyes were hesitantly flickering towards Aoi and he gulped very noticeably. I followed his example and locked eyes with my boyfriend. But even now, he wasn't going to relent.

His eyes pierced into mine, a brown so dark it was resembling black  and not even the luminous advertising was reflecting itself anymore.

He wasn't going to say or decide anything. He wanted _**me**_ to do that.

And I knew what I had to do.

If I left now, he would be upset and angry at me for at least the next three days and I... I couldn't even stand the thought of it. He was going to say nothing to me, going to ignore me because yes, I _**did**_ promise to spend the evening with him. He loved me so much and I was disappointing him.

I didn't want to disappoint him, I felt bad disappointing him. So I decided that I was just ... not going to disappoint him in the first place even when that meant reliniquishing what _**I**_ wanted.

Aoi was Aoi and Aoi always got what he wanted.

°°°  
°°°

I exhaled slowly and softly.

"Fine."

I turned to Mamoru and fished my phone out of my backpocket. 

"Can you give me your number? I'll call you tomorrow morning, okay?"

Their faces were so full of compassion - pity - that it made me feel as though my heart wanted to jump out of my chest, bursting my ribs and itself in the process.

"Sure sure, of course. We could go to Yoyogi park and take some sandwiches with us!"

While we exchanged phone numbers and I also got to save Ayumi's, Aoi stayed silent. He didn't say a word but I felt his glance burning holes into my back, like a machine speeding up my heartbeat even more.

"Okay, I'll call you!" I said once we were done, reaching for Ayumi's hands and squeezing them with a small smile. "I promise I will."

"It's okay, Yutaka, don't worry," she replied and nodded, squeezing my hands back. "We wouldn't want you two to fight because of us, really."

I nodded my head again as well, at her and at Mamoru too, before waving goodbye to them and then turning around to Aoi. I felt terribly torn. I loved Aoi so much and I didn't want to see him upset or angry or sad or _**anything**_ negative really, but on the other hand I had failed to stand up for myself, hadn't I?

Aoi was smiling at me.

His smile was back and it warmed my heart so much that the feeling of it jumping out of my chest was now something I was gladly going to welcome. He extended his hand and I took it without hesitating.

My name rolled over his lips, only once and the sound soon lost itself in Tokyo's city noises, but it still managed to send a electrifying shiver down my spine.

Our fingers intertwined and he lifted our hands, pressing a kiss to the back of mine.

"So, Teriyaki it is then, ne?"

I sighed to myself.

In the end, I knew I only needed him to be happy.

 


	8. Blooming affection

One week later, S A T U R D A Y

 

11:43AM   
_Hey Rei, are you busy? I feel like going on a day trip. :)_

11:54AM  
 _Eh, what about Bishiri? ;P_

12:05PM   
_He doesn't feel like going with me. And Uruha's meeting up with Miyavi for some guitar work so I thought I might just ask you.  
_

12:07PM __  
Whereto?  


12:10PM __  
Kanagawa.  


12:13PM  
 _Oh. Uh, yeah sure, I'm in. Mind if Ruki joins us? He asked me earlier but I guess he wouldn't mind going with us. I'll pick you up in an hour, okay?_

12:15PM  
 _Sure!:) Thanks a lot. ^-^_

12:18PM  
 _For you always._

°°°  
°°°

"Aoi?"

I called for him once I stepped out of the bathroom, one towel around my hips and one around my neck. Using the latter to rub my hair dry, I headed across the hallway and into the living room. 

"Hey, are you sure you don't want to join us? It'll be fun." 

Aoi looked up from where he was sitting on my couch, wearing nothing but sweatpants and a tank top, with a burning cigarette between his fingers. 

"Baby, how often do you want to ask?" he demanded with a sigh, exhaling smoke into the air. 

_Haven't you told him not to smoke inside the house?_

I blinked at him for a bit before sitting down on the edge of the couch and turning my attention to what was on TV. To nobody's surprise, it was us; just a short spot about how we'd started another row of concerts. 

I sighed to myself and shrugged.   
"I don't know, I thought maybe you changed your mind."

To be honest, I had been looking forward to spending our day off with him, away from Tokyo and instead back to the roots, but Aoi had reclined the second I asked him. And in the end, I couldn't force him. 

"I didn't," he replied nonchalantly and came crawling over to me, pressing a kiss to my bare shoulder. "I'll have dinner ready when you get home Baby, okay?" 

A small smile began to curl my lips once his own were trailing along my shoulder and up to my neck.   
"Mm," I made, lifting a hand to the side and stroking over the black hair it found. "Sounds nice." 

"Good." 

And that's how quickly his lips were gone again. He pulled back and I sighed again before getting up.   
"I got to get ready, Reita's gonna pick me up soon." 

"Mhm," Aoi hummed in response, already seated on his initial spot in the middle of the couch, eyes glued to the TV as he tapped his cigarette on the ashtray. 

He wasn't even listening anymore, was he? 

°°°  
°°°

I don't know what exactly it was that was drawing me back to Kanagawa. The band had its root there and I had always been sensitive to... changes. My relationship with Aoi was such a change, it was a complete makeover of my life to be honest and perhaps that was also why I had initially wanted him to go with me. But Aoi and I were having different opinions and feelings about things and maybe it just didn't mean as much to him as it did to me (although I kind of highly doubted that). I wasn't able to change anything about it, and I didn't want to either. I wanted him to stay himself. 

When I left my house, Reita's Mustang was already parked right in front of Aoi's Audi. I was bundled up in a thick winter coat, a scarf and gloves. It was still autumn and there wasn't even snow yet, the sun was still shining but the wind was what made being outdoors really, really... unattractive. 

I approached the car, Ruki was sitting in the passenger's seat and even from afar I could see that a broad smile was on his lips while he was quite vividly talking to Reita about something. With a smile of my own, I opened the door and Reita's head instantly snapped around so he was greeting me with a wide smirk. 

"Yukkun! Hi!" 

"Hi!"

"Hi Kai!" 

I smiled at Ruki as well while I got in and fastened my seat belt, however, it seemed as if Ruki's smile suddenly seemed a little dampened. Maybe he wasn't feeling well? 

"Hey Ru, are you ok?" I asked consequently and leaned forward just as Reita drove off, the Mustang's engine roaring beneath us. Ruki's eyebrows twitched. 

"Hm? Oh, yeah sure, I'm fine," he waved dismissively and brushed my worries off just like that, turning sideways on his seat to face Reita (he'd never really cared about seat belts anyway). 

"Rei-chan, can we stop at a conbini and get some Lemongina?"

I- Wait. 

Wait, what? Did he just...? I didn't misshear, did I? I narrowed my eyes at him suspiciously. I had never **_ever_** heard Ruki using that suffix with _**anyone**_ before. Bruuh. 

"Ugh, Ruki. I'm sure Kanagawa has conbinis, too." 

A giggle fell from my lips and I sat back, turning my head to look out of the window. 

"Of course it has but I want one now. And can I smoke in here?" 

It didn't take long until I spaced out and their voices turned into nothing but background noise, my mind trailed off and back to Aoi.   
We were back to normal after what had happened last week. I met Mamoru and Ayumi on Wednesday morning and we spent an amazing day together. I would've preferred for Aoi to come with us but he'd been as reluctant as the evening before. I ended up apologizing again, for making him feel uncomfortable and upset, although I knew that it wasn't exactly **_my_** fault. It had still been some kind of fight though and I felt bad about it. 

Anyway, our make-up sex had been more than amazing and everything seemed to be pretty much okay afterwards. I wondered if there were things that he wanted to say to me but couldn't because he knew it was going to me cry, just like it had made me cry the moment we returned to his place that evening. I didn't want him to hide anything from me just because he felt... pity. 

I barely noticed that we stopped at a conbini but in the end it was Reita's voice that pulled me out of my wandering thoughts.

"Kai?"

I blinked until my vision turned sharp again before turning my head. We were alone in the car, our eyes met in the rear-view mirror and both our mouths showed a small smile. 

"You okay?" he asked, one hand on the steering wheel, "You seem so... absent-minded." 

My smile grew but my eyes were downcast. It was ridiculous, I knew, but I still felt bad for what had happened in our studio kitchen last week. That hadn't been my fault either. 

"Sorry," I murmured. 

"Don't be. Did you fight?" 

_What?_

"What?" 

"Did you fight? With Aoi."

Oh God damn it. He knew me too well. Without realizing it, I began kneading my hands in my lap. 

"Uhm... a little. But it's fine now, don't worry." 

It **_was_** fine, right? Aoi wasn't upset anymore, at least he said so. 

"Are you sure? I- "

"Yes, Reita," I cut him short and my eyes shot back to the rear-view mirror. "I am sure." 

I didn't exactly feel like talking about it, to be honest. It was **_my_** relationship and nothing Reita (or anyone else, for that matter) was supposed to worry about. 

Ruki came jogging out of the conbini, with at least four cans of Lemongina and two packs of cigarettes in his arms. I noticed only now that he was wearing loose, black denim pants (they almost looked like sweatpants, to be honest) and a white vest on top of a dark red shirt that seemed way too big for his petite body. Also, his make-up was quite toned down for a change. 

"Fine. Remember what I told you."

Those were the last words Reita said to me before he averted his gaze and Ruki was barging in. 

"Oh God, there were **_fans_** ," he groaned, almost, **_almost_** , as if in annoyance, "I had to hide behind the vegetable shelf. They had my face on their shirts! That was the first time I disliked seeing my own gorgeous face, ugh." 

He kept on babbling and plonked down on the passenger's seat. Trust Ruki to still look like a freaking diva, even in that attire. 

"Lemongina? Anyone? Take the chance now before I claim them all for myself," he snickered then, holding up one of the cans after he'd propped his feet against the glovebox. And wow, Reita didn't even oppose or scold him! The Mustang was literally his sanctuary (right behind Keiji, I guess) and now Ruki was putting his feet somewhere they definitely didn't belong and he wasn't saying **_anything?_**   
Well, he probably knew that, just like Aoi, Ruki always got what he wanted, just with much more... sass. 

I laughed and reached forward, taking the can out of the vocalist's hand and opening it. Mm, it smelled like lemons! 

_Duh, hence the name, slowpoke_.

 

It took us about forty minutes to reach Kanagawa and by the time we reached our destination, we were all pretty... hyped. I have no idea whether it was because of the jokes Reita kept cracking (they were anything but funny) or because the Lemongina was too carbonated, in any case Ruki was giggling non-stop and Reita and I couldn't help but join in. Maybe it was the combination of the Lemongina and nicotin but... he just didn't stop laughing. My entire face was hurting with how broad I was smiling once we reached Yamashita park. It was a beautiful green belt with a fountain in the middle and benches all around. 

And it was located directly at the sea so we had an amazing view, despite the thin layer of fog wafting through the cold air.  Admittedly, it would've been nice had it been summer but oh well.   
Reita parked the Mustang at the roadside and we got out.

"Damn, it's cold!" Ruki cursed immediately and buried his hands in his pockets. It was almost simultaneously that our chests rose with a deep inhale, flooding our lungs with fresh and clear sea air.    
"Ah, that's good," Reita sighed in relief and I watched with a smile how he stepped closer to the railing separating the shore from the pavement and closed his eyes. Ruki and I followed, walking up to his either side.

My eyes began wondering across the dark water, how it almost seemed to melt into the grey, autumn sky, dripping into the waves and somehow it was a rather saddening feeling. I felt it in my heart. I wished Aoi was here, with me.

"It's been ages," Ruki suddenly murmured and I wasn't even sure if Reita and I were supposed to hear it at all.

"Mm," Reita hummed in agreement. There wasn't much to say right now, was it? We were thinking the same, feeling the same. Except for-

"I'm hungry as fuck."

 _Oh Ruki._

Reita lowered his head with a low chuckle. "Yeah, me too, kind of," he said.

"I think we passed an izakaya earlier. How about I walk back and get us some noodles?"

Ruki and walking? Voluntarily? Today was truly a strange day. Something was up with him anyway, I just hadn't quite figured it out yet.

"Ah, great idea! I'll pay!"

Reita hurriedly took out his wallet, a broad and happy smile spreading on his face. Such a dork, he was always so excited about the littlest things, even if it was just food. I stayed silent, my _Thank you_ just a whisper beneath the soughing gusting wind. Maybe it was the cloudy weather dampening my mood?

Nevertheless I wasn't able to keep brooding about the weather or Aoi or anything else as I found myself hearing Ruki use that damn suffix again.

"Rei-chan, pepper noodles, right?" he asked while taking the money the bassist held out to him. The latter smirked.   
"Oh god yes Ruki, you're a genius. Pepper noodles for the win!"

Our vocalist was beaming like a fucking christmas tree on drugs and I was seriously starting to worry now.

"Be right back!" he called while already on his way down the road we came from. I shook my head to myself incredulously, uttering a small sigh and trying to just ignore the boring question of _why the fuck didn't he ask **me** , too?!_

I sat down on the nearest bench and Reita was beside me with lightning speed, legs outstretched and ankles crossed. I was more and more getting the impression that he seemed to have a certain urge to protect me from something and I didn't like that.

"What's that sigh about?"

And it only made me sigh again.

"Nothing."

Even while keeping my eyes focused on the sea, I could hear the lifted eyebrow in his voice. Couldn't I just sigh whenever I wanted to?

"Sure," he replied. "That's why you seem so distant all the damn time, because _nothing._ "

My eyelids fluttered close. Why was he always leading our conversations back to Aoi? Why _**the hell**_ did he develop that _**insane**_ urge to just talk to me ever since Aoi and I got together? We were fine for God's sake, there was nothing to talk about!

"Kai- " he began but I couldn't stand the rebuking tone of his voice so I beat him to it.

"No, Reita. Stop whatever you're doing."

I blinked several times before darting him a quick glance. He looked surprise. I sniffed and gulped, knowing this was probably the wrong place and the wrong time and perhaps I was just exaggerating but- no, we had to get this clear.

"Listen," I continued. "I appreciate you as a friend but Aoi and I are happy together, okay? My relationship is none of your business."

Most likely, I sounded a bit too snappy, more than I had intended but I really felt like it was needed.   
Reita blinked at me, no doubt in surprise but he seemed little short of hurt.

Then a snort escaped him and I knew he still didn't understand.

"Reita, I'm sorry, I didn'- "

"Stop apologizing, Kai. It's okay, I'm sorry for intervening.  I just..."

_And then it happened, something that was_ _so clear and obvious it should've made every damn single alarm bell in my head ring but absolutely **nothing** happened. I didn't see it at all. I didn't see anything._

My body felt frozen when Reita reached for my hand and took it. "Kai," he said with warmer smile and encompassed my hand with both of his own. He looked at me directly, his glance full of self-confidence though also with worry hidden behind the brown and he didn't seem to mind that I looked completely taken aback. What on earth was he doing?

"I just want you to know that I'm always here in case you need someone. I'm always here for you, as a friend or... whatever else you might need."

I gulped, felt my hand trembling in his grip.

"R-Reita...," I stuttered and blinked at him. There was movement behind him, I noticed it marginally and knew that Ruki returned but I was unable to do anything.

"Promise me you'll call when you need me."

My eyes flickered towards Ruki, Ruki's flickered to our hands and his expression slackened within a matter of seconds.

_This is it._

"Promise me, Kai," Reita repeated again, squeezing my hand almost pleadingly.

Ruki's countenance was more than surprised, little short of shocked and it made me blink and pull my hand back quickly. Damn it. I heard Reita sigh but my eyes were already averted as I stood up in order to walk over to Ruki and divest him of one of the noodle boxes.

"Thanks Ru," I said and smiled and it was obvious how he tried to smile back but it only appeared incredibly forced. He'd most likely completely misunderstood, right? Oh God, he probably thought...

Oh God.

I paled and we stared at each other for the briefest of seconds before he gave a barely noticeable nod and then walked past me, wordlessly. I exhaled in relief. Now he understood, right?

"Pepper noodles as ordered," he smiled at Reita when handing him his box and then sat down beside him. I stared at my own steaming hot box for a while, prising the wooden chopsticks apart with my free hand. Realizing that I couldn't let whatever just happened bring me down, I plonked down next to Ruki and began digging into my food.  

"Whoa, these are amazing!" Ruki praised with his mouth full after taking the first bite of his noodles and spooned another portion.   
"You wanna try?" he asked then and darted a questioning glance at Reita, looking absolutely hilarious with those hamster cheeks.

"Don't burn him, Ruki!" I giggled and watched them while chewing. Reita snorted in amusement and so did Ruki, just a little more... diva-like and with a lifted eyebrow. 

"I'd definitely be hot enough," he grinned slyly and then raised a small portion of his noodles to Reita's mouth, the other hand palm-open beneath it. They looked kind of... cute?

_Ew Kai, what're you thinking?!_

Reita parted his lips and took the food from Ruki's chopsticks. After chewing for a while, with a small knit forming between his eyebrows-

"Whoa, is that chili??!"   
He cursed and jumped up to his feet, clamping a hand over his mouth.

"Yup," Ruki smirked, looking completely satisfied with himself.   
Little devil.

"Fuck, that's spicy! Oh I'm gonna jump into the fucking sea!"

I burst out laughing, spilling half of the noodles on my chopsticks to the ground while watching Reita waggling his hand in front of his mouth.

"Dude, that's not funny!"

"Aaww, poor noseless."

"Ruki!"

The vocalist broke into a fit of giggles and continued eating his noodles, slurping them happily as if nothing ever happened.

I only shook my head to myself. The mood was so much lighter now and I inwardly thanked Ruki for it. Why, you wonder? Well, he knew exactly that Reita was no fan of spicy food.

While they continued squabbling with one another, I took the opportunity and placed my noodle box in my lap so I could take out my phone. I was inwardly hoping for a message from Aoi, maybe asking whether I enjoyed the trip with my friends, but I knew he wasn't that type of man and that I couldn't expect him to do it just for me. When I switched on the display, there was nothing.

°°°  
°°°

We spent a few more hours at Kanagawa, visited the venue we played our first live at all those years ago. It was nice seeing Ruki getting a little emotional about it. There were way too many people out there accusing him of having forgotten his roots, alongside all the other musicians influenced by today's media and their labels. But if there was one person who hadn't forgotten where he, _**we**_ , came from it was him. Being the one he was, he remained quiet all the time but I could see it in his eyes, the way he was looking at the building, its entrance, the hallways inside and the stage. It was just as meaningful to me and Reita, and I would've wished to meet some of the people who had supported us when we were starting the band, unfortunately though we didn't even know whether they were still working here or not and we didn't want to bother the people sitting around there with asking either. 

We found another nice izakaya, located more in the core of the city and to be honest, I don't think I've ever laughed with them that much before. I forgot about Aoi. I knew that what happened between us was resolved but the fear of something similar happening again was still lingering at the back of my mind and my two best friends made me forget about it. I noticed that Reita paid a lot of attention to involving me in conversations that led away from my relationship and it worked. But of course, I couldn't stop myself from looking forward to returning home. It was just a day trip and I knew it was kind of overstated but I missed Aoi like crazy, the entire time. 

 

It was about half past ten when Reita dropped me off at home. The sight of light in my living room instantly conjured a smile on my lips. He was waiting for me.   
Me saying goodbye turned out rather terse, just a quick _see you!_ and the wave of a hand before I was hurrying up the steps to my front door and unlocking it, Reita behind me driving off once I disappeared inside. 

"Aoi? Aoi, I'm home!"   
I hung my keys on the key rack, shrugged off my coat and scarf and toed off my shoes. Wasn't he going to greet me?   
The door to the living room was slightly ajar, throwing a small stripe of light on the floor. Was it just me or... was it too silent here? 

"Aoi?" I called again with a hushed voice and slowly made my way down the hallway and towards the living room. I set a hand to the door and carefully pushed it open, saying his name once more. 

The sight that greeted me made my heart cringe. In the most beautiful of all ways. 

The TV was switched on but the volume had been turned so low that it was impossible to hear, even from the hallway. There were two wine glasses standing next to a bottle of red wine on the small table, one had apparently been used, the other one looked clean. My eyes travelled farther and settled upon Aoi, sleeping, on my couch. 

_Oh my God.  
_

He was lying on his side, cheek settled on one arm while the other was hanging over the sofa's edge, definitely a position showing that he hadn't planned on falling asleep. My lips curled into a smile and I stepped closer. 

It was one of these moments where he was looking so vulnerable, so delicate and utterly beautiful that I couldn't find myself able to breathe and I loved it. I knew he'd indeed been waiting for me, he'd prepared dinner after all and the wine was certainly supposed to be a part of it.   
God, why was he so beautiful? Why was he so god damn perfect to me? Why did the light in this room made his already pale skin glow even more, making him look so angelic that it made me fall in love with him even harder? I didn't know. 

"Aoi, hey...," I murmured softly as I sat down beside him on the edge of the couch and cautiously brushed a strand of raven hair out of his forehead.   
He started out of his sleep, eyelids fluttering several times until our eyes met and his body, that had been tense for just a few seconds, fell limp.   
He smiled at me with a sleepy glance. 

"Hi Baby, you're finally home."

I nodded and smiled back while stroking his cheek. 

"I'm sorry that it took me so long, Aoi. We went out to eat dinner together and... forgot about time. How long have you been sitting here?" 

Sniffing, Aoi sat up and ran a hand through his hair before shaking his head and settling his left hand on top of mine that was still on his cheek. 

"Just about two hours," he answered. "It's fine, I'm glad you enjoyed your day." 

My smile grew and it grew even more when he leaned in and pressed our lips together for a brief kiss.   
"Dinner's on the stove Baby," he whispered after withdrawing. "Or do you rather want to... hop straight into bed with me? You must be really tired." 

Oh that smirk, that smirk! It was back, full-blown, and it made my entire insides riot. He just knew too well how to make me blush and he didn't hide that he enjoyed doing it.   
A low chuckle escaped his throat as he reached for the remote and turned off the TV.   
As weird as it may sound, the heat raising into my cheeks felt absolutely amazing. It was just the first indicator of what I knew Aoi was going to do to me tonight and I was more than eager. 

"I don't think I'm hungry for food at the moment," I replied consequently and saw his grin widening. Mhm, exactly.   
I was biting my lip when he raised his eyes to look at me again and I knew he loved it. 

"Mm, don't do that," he murmured and didn't hesitate another second. Pushing me down, he made me gasp in the process, and climbed over me quickly. His fingers swiftly grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head. The dark glance he was throwing down at me made my blood boil, I swear to God I could feel it.   
  
"Or I might just decide to take you right here on the spot." 

My chest rise and fell a little heavier than it should, it was as if Aoi was able to accelerate my body's reactions to what he was doing by twice the normality.

"I don't think I'd oppose," I muttered just before I leaned up myself, crashing our lips together for a more passionate kiss. God, I'd missed him so much throughout the day, it was insane. 

His tongue was in my mouth before I even knew and my arms around his neck followed only seconds afterwards and just the mere touch of his tongue to my own sent a shower of pleasurable sparks down my back.

Aoi flipped his switch, his hand gripped my thigh and lifted it so I was forced to wrap my legs loosely around his hips. His tongue began dancing around mine in deep, measured strokes and it was when he trailed his lips down my neck, that the first moan was torn from my throat.

"You won't oppose, will you, Kai?"

I gulped and felt my body arching towards his by reflex, my thighs began quivering at the simplest touch of his fingertips to my stomach and I nodded. Soft pants of breath were leaving my lips.

"N-No. No, I won't. You know I won't."

Aoi smirked down at me, his whole posture and expression screaming domination and I knew at that instance that I was never going to let him go.

"Good. Because nothing's ever going to stop me from taking what's mine."

And also, that I was never going to be able to escape.


	9. Stay away

M O  N D A Y 

It wasn't as if Uruha began to dislike the band's regular meetings, you know. It was just the increasing feeling of tension between his friends that started to annoy him a little bit.

A **_huge_** little bit, to be exact.

It was almost like watching a movie and the guitar on his lap was his popcorn while the perfect, dramatic lovestory was unfolding right in front of his eyes, a fucking _**dystopia**_ if you asked him.

He sighed, eyes brushing over what was going on at the moment while he sat at the table in the small recording room, quite comfortably at that.

His eyes darted to the left to see Aoi and Ruki standing at the mixing console and debating how to handle the drums Kai had test-recorded earlier. Speaking of, his eyes darted to the right where said drummer was sitting on another small couch next to Reita who was rather vividly explaining why his bass lines just didn't want to fit to Kai's drums. Which, in turn, Aoi and Ruki were discussing.

Why **_on earth_** the four of them weren't talking to **_each other_** though was incomprehensible to Uruha. However, if he looked closer at the entirety of the picture before him, all of it seemed clearer than it should.

Aoi turned around and glared at Reita (possessive fucker that he was), Reita glared back, Kai was so freaking oblivious it **_hurt_** and after slapping Aoi's shoulder and scolding him for not listening, Ruki threw a glance at Reita over his shoulder as well.

And as far as Uruha knew, his eyesight was pretty good, even without the glasses and so he had absolutely no idea why nobody else was able to see the **_longing_** in Ruki's eyes.  

Uruha sighed to himself again, yawning and rubbing at an eye with his palm. God, this was fucked up.

°°°  
°°°

"I don't know, I can just record it all over again and you can play along if that helps."

"Ah I don't think- "

"Well, look at that!"

"Ouch! Oi! Aoi!"

"Oh, sorry noseless."

His mouth fell open and so did mine.

My forehead showed a quite confused frown when Aoi squeezed himself between Reita and me, my eyes glued to his face.

"Aoi, I was talking to him," I complained and lifted both eyebrows at him while sliding to the side on the couch. This thing was already small enough, ugh...

"I know," he replied with a broad smile and before I even knew, his arm was around my shoulder and pulling me closer again.

"But now **_I_** am talking to you, baby. Are you neglecting me??"

Showing a shocked (but faked) expression, Aoi leaned back to give me an accusing look and my frown only grew. What the hell? What the hell was it between those two?

"What-? No! I was just having a conversation right here," I repeated, getting a little... well, indignant as I inclined my head to the side to look past Aoi and at Reita.

"Rei, we can- "

"Yeah, whatever. Don't mind me," he cut me short instead, grabbed his bass and got up.

"H-Hey!" I called after him quickly but he was definitely ignoring me now. I saw Uruha's lifted eyebrows as he walked past him, put his bass down on the table (a little too harshly for my taste)  and then straight away- left.

Gaping after him, I barely noticed Ruki's head snapping up and that he called Reita's name and followed him outbound.

"Really?!" I spat reproachfully as I turned my eyes back to Aoi whose eyebrows (and hands) shot up in surprise.

"What??"

" ** _'What?'_**  I was talking to him, Aoi! You can't just screw yourself in like that!"

I scoffed and wiggled my way out of his one-armed embrace so I could stand up from the couch.

Aoi's glare (I'm sure it was one) was burning holes into my back, oh yes, I knew he **_hated_** being rejected more than anything but it was his fault now.

"Kai, sit the fuck down," he ordered suddenly and his voice was almost like a hiss as he lunged out and grabbed my wrist to keep me from walking away. And damn, it _**hurt!**_ I blinked at him, completely taken aback by the sudden force of his actions, the little short of bruising grip he maintained paired with a steel glance.

"Let me go," I pressed out through gritted teeth and yanked my wrist free. What the hell was wrong with him? After throwing another incredulous glimpse at him, I turned back around and my eyes met Uruha's who seemed just as dumbfounded by Aoi's sudden mood change as me. Our eye contact didn't hold for long though since I hurried out of the room to follow Reita.

When I looked up and down the hallway, both him and Ruki were nowhere to be seen but I really didn't want to risk having Aoi bursting through the door and pulling me back inside just because he thought he could get away with everything. He couldn't. I loved him, I truly did, but for some fucked up reason the air between him and Reita had become incredibly thick lately and I'd never been someone to tolerate rudeness either.

I sighed in frustration and made my way down the hallway, running a hand through my hair. I was starting to wonder whether there was something going on that I... missed? Aoi had problems with his temper and Reita got offended a little too easily, yes, I got that but ever since Aoi and I got together, they were being plainly rude towards each other and that was something I wasn't used to from either of them. They were best friends, just like all of us, weren't they?

Or was it some kind of... rivalry thought going on inside Aoi's head? Did he think of Reita as some sort of competition? Well, that was _**completely**_ absurd. Absolutely ridiculous. And- wait, was he actually doubting my feelings?? Was he scared that my feelings for him weren't strong enough so I'd be prone to another man's advances?? Oh no. No, no, no. We were going to talk about that, I was going to talk to him about that, _**soon.**_

Suddenly Ruki's and Reita's faint voices reached my ears, only snippets of their conversation, and I stopped dead just before I was about to walk around the corner. They seemed to be whispering so it was even harder for me to understand their words but I thought it was Reita who spoke first. Of course I felt like I was eavesdropping on them but on the other hand... it was about me, right? Or Aoi, which consequently included me anyway.

"...'s ...thing I want, you know."

"I know, but..."

Then they were mumbling again and I pressed myself to the wall, very carefully peeking around the corner. They were standing a few feet away, Reita leaning against the wall, head lowered, with his arms crossed in front of his chest. I didn't see anything of his facial expression but either way, that wasn't the reason why my eyes widened. The soft gasp was torn from my lips because Ruki was standing really, like _**really**_ , close to him, apparently talking soothingly to him while one hand rested on Reita's lower arm. It didn't seem like only a fleeting touch to be honest, but at the same time the expression on Ruki's face was somewhere between insecure and... affectionate.

"... know what he'll do to you when ... him ..."

Reita nodded wordlessly, then I saw how he **_literally_** grabbed Ruki's hand and pushed it down, pushing himself away from the wall and running a hand through his bleach blonde hair. Quickly, I stepped back and took a deep breath. They... were talking about me, weren't they? God damn it, what was going on?

°°°  
°°°

"Did you really have to behave like a total douchebag, Aoi?"

Aoi's glance flew across the room to meet Uruha's. Why was **_he_** interfering all of a sudden?  
Reita's permanent attempts to get Kai's attention were enough and Aoi really wasn't in need of **_another_** blond constant threat.

"Oh God Uruha, keep yourself out of my affairs," he snapped and reached for his black guitar from the guitar rack. Uruha snorted.

"I won't if it's about my best friend's happiness," he replied indignantly but Aoi only rolled his eyes. Why did Kai take so long anyway?

"Who said I'm unhappy?"

"The fuck, who said I'm talking about **_you_ _?!_** "

The raven closed his eyes with a soft exhale, barely able to pull himself together. When he answered, his voice was a dangerous kind of calm.

"What makes you think Kai's unhappy?" he asked, however did not lift his eyes to look at the other, though he was surely aware that Uruha was glaring at him over the table separating them.

_Don't you dare say one wrong word now,_ _Uruha_ _._

The honey-blonde guitarist scoffed and shook his bangs out of his forehead.

"Are you kidding? You've just been fucking rude to him and Reita! Do you really think that you're the only person 'allowed to talk to him' just because you guys are in a relationship? Because lately you've been surely acting like a fucking control freak."

They narrowed their eyes at each other and Aoi really did feel like delivering a good punch into that pouty mouth but damn... he had to get himself and his temper under control, for Kai's sake. 

Aoi gulped. This was _**surely**_ going on his nerves. Why was everybody interfering in his relationship? Why couldn't they just let them do their thing? Besides, Kai was a freaking adult, he was able to open his mouth when he felt uncomfortable with anything.

Aoi resigned himself to just ignoring whatever problem they were all having. It was better to settle with the knowledge that he and his boyfriend were **_most definitely_** able to solve their problems (if there were any) by themselves than to let everyone else around them think they "needed help."

Ridiculous.

°°°  
°°°

It was horrible.

We resumed rehearsals for the upcoming concert once I returned from running after Reita and Ruki but the mood was incredibly keyed up. I noticed that Uruha kept glaring at Aoi all the damn time, I could see it pretty well from my position behind the drum kit and it made me kind of happy because I figured that he was angry at Aoi for his behaviour earlier. I was glad to know that he cared about me that much. Well, I was still kind of angry too, even two and a half hours later when Aoi and I made our way to the Audi to head to his place. We didn't speak a word and for some reason his silentness seemed way more present than my own.

 ** _His_** silence was a... a _**telling**_ silence okay, whereas _**my**_ silence was... rather subdued even though, in my opinion, _**I**_ certainly didn't have a reason to be.

We remained quiet during the process of unlocking the car, getting in and buckling up and even for quite some time after Aoi had driven out of the studio building's parking lot. There were so many things that I wanted to say and ask but I was just so unsure about how to phrase them.  
   
It wasn't as if I was afraid of his answers let alone Aoi himself, I simply knew for a fact that I was as weak as dry leaf in a storm when it came to him. Aoi was skilled at making everybody upset at him and then, with just one smile, one kiss and or one right sentence, he made up for all of it. And he was very, very aware of that.

I was too but I knew that until now I hadn't found a solution for it. Because that's not how I wanted it to be. I wanted myself to be strong and to able to stand up against him. I'm not saying that partners in a relationship should compete with each other over who's stronger, okay? I just wanted us to be equal.

"Spit it out, Yutaka or you're seriously gonna bite your tongue off."

I blinked and tore my eyes away from where they had unconsciously settled on Aoi's hand around the black steering wheel. A gulp crawled down my throat once I focused on him. We were standing at a red traffic light and Aoi's head was turned, eyes surveying me curiously.

"What's going on?" he asked again.

_That you even dare to ask._

"It's just...," I began but trailed off again, watching my fingertips grazing my wrist and I didn't imagine it, that I could still feel the sudden jolt of pain Aoi's tight grip had caused.

And suddenly I had no idea how on earth I was supposed to talk at all.

"Just... you know, because of earlier. I..."

Fuck, what was I saying?!  
Aoi slowly lifted an eyebrow, darting a quick glance at the traffic light. It was still red. Why was it still red?? Every second that Aoi didn't have to drive and thus paid **_me_** his utmost attention was torture. And I still couldn't look at him.

"You...?" he repeated questioningly and then his next words were carrying a chuckle. "You're sorry for making me upset?"

_WHAT._

Wait wait wait raven, _**I**_ wasn't to blame here, **_was I?_**  

I frowned and blinked.

"Actually... N-No," I stuttered and promptly earned the reaction for my backtalk.  
Aoi's facial features hardened and he turned around, attention drawn back to the road and the traffic.

Fuck.

"Well, what is it then?" he asked with a cold voice, sounding rather uninterested now. Sure, because for a change it was **_him_** getting accused?  
A hard gulp crawled past the lump in my throat.

_Fuck_ _Yutaka_ _, come on. Don't be such a coward._

"Aren't you going to apologize?" I continued afer a few moments spent with concocting my words. "You hurt me, you know..."

I kept staring at my lap while he manoeuvered the car across the Shibuya intersection.

"Ah well, sorry for that."

And I just ... snapped.

"Seriously?! Is that all you're going to say?! It fucking _**hurt**_ , Aoi!" I barked, looking at him angrily and sitting straight now instead of slumping against the backrest. Wow, my voice sounded surprisingly strong.

At first, Aoi didn't react at all and I already began worrying that I'd overstepped some kind of invisible border but then while we turned the corner-

"First of all, you don't yell at me like that, **_Yutaka_** ** _._** Secondly, I'm sorry for hurting you. Are you satisfied now?"

A cold shiver ran down my spine. I didn't like the way he said my name at all. And why was he acting **_so_** superior?  
I swallowed the tears threatening to flood my eyes but when I spoke again, when I **_dared_** to, my voice was just above a whisper. I hated the feeling of helplessness he was giving me.

"You know, it was really rude of you to interrupt us just like that."

And I didn't know whether he really just didn't **_understand_** it or maybe did but didn't _**care**_ , in any case it didn't seem like he was taking my concerns seriously. Or perhaps I wasn't being clear enough?

"Oh please, I was just teasing you a little bit. Nothing to be so touchy about."

"No, you weren't!" I exclaimed furiously, throwing my hands into the air. "You were **_pissed_** only because, for one split second, my attention **_wasn't_** on you!"

What on earth was I saying?

Aoi's entire posture tensed.

_Fuck, you're screwed. God damn it,_ _Yutaka_ _, look at his eyes, you're so screwed._

_It's true though, isn't it?_

He stepped on the brakes and I would've guessed he did it that hard because of his rising anger but no, we'd actually arrived at his apartment and I didn't even notice. Closing my eyes briefly, I fell back against the backrest with a fitful exhale. I knew he probably wasn't used to me being that... agitated and I wasn't used to it either so I was, admittedly, a little scared of his reaction.

"Kai..."

My name was a sigh falling from his lips once the engine of the Audi was switched off. I gulped just at the sound of it and couldn't get myself to look at him. From one second to the other, the air inside the car seemed to have turned so thick you could cut it in half and I wanted nothing more than- 

"Hey. Look at me."

\- doing exactly what he wanted.

My heart convulsed and a few moments later, his palm was on my cheek and his lips on my own and I felt my entire body going limp. My eyelids fluttered shut before my reflexes set in and made me return the kiss.

As I said, one kiss and it was all made up for.

Aoi's tongue brushed my bottom lip, fleetingly enough to let me know he wasn't demanding entrance yet and also enough to rile me up, wanting to feel more of him.  
Our kissing turned wilder and deeper but he slowed down gradually until it was almost in slow motion that he pulled away.

"I love you," he mumbled against my lips and my face went bright red.  He smirked, knowingly at that, and I giggled.

**_I giggled._ **

Probably not the best reaction to such a love declaration and oh please - not while we were actually having an argument here!

But fuck it, we were out the car in no time and Aoi had me pressed up against the door even quicker.

And let's just say he used more than just his kiss to make up for it.


	10. Spotting lies.

W E D N E S D A Y

_"What do you think about trying these for the second round?"_

_"_ _Wha-_ _Since when have you been into bondage?"_

_"Always. I just never had someone to try it out with. Give me your wrist."_

_"_ _But-_ _uh, here, but I've never... you know."_

_"Oh God Kai, don't you trust me?"_

_"Of course I do! I just want you to_ _know-_ _"_

_"I know. The other wrist."_

_"What on earth are_ _you-_ _Ouch!"_

_"Tight?"_

_"Yes!"_

_"You'll get used to it. Now let me just..."_

_"No, wait, I-_ _aah_ _!_ _Uh-uuhn_ _..."_

Only God knew what had gotten into me.

°°°  
°°°

I didn't know how long I wanted to keep staring at the two sweaters spread out on my bed, one of them pitch black, the other one a dark blue with golden ornaments in the middle.

The problem itself was definitely not the question of which color to choose. The problem was the thought in my head, the mere fact that I was **_forced_** to wear a long-sleeved shirt in order to hide the bruises on my wrists.

Chewing on my lower lip, I shook my head as if to dispel the thoughts of last night. It wasn't... it wasn't as if I disliked what had happened yesterday. It'd been sexy and pleasurable and hot but I couldn't deny the fact that my wrists were **_still_** hurting from how tight the ropes had been, especially the spots that were rubbed sore.

"Ugh, screw that...," I grumbled eventually and picked the dark blue one, pulling it over my head and adjusting the sleeves.

"Baby, you ready?" Aoi called from the hallway and entered my bedroom only seconds later. He looked stunning - as always - with those dark gray trousers, the washed-out, red shirt and the black leather jacket on top. I couldn't help but feel a little wretched next to him and that was obviously reflected on my face since Aoi didn't make any moves to leave again. Instead, he stepped closer.

"Hey Baby, what's wrong?" he asked softly, lifting a hand to my cheek and stroking over it.

It was just inwardly but I was amazed by how stark the contrast was between the caring, gentle Aoi I could see right in front of me right now and the rough, ruthless one from last night.

My eyelids were fluttering when I settled my hand on top of his, making the shirt's fabric slide down a little so the bruises were exposed again. To be honest, it really wasn't a nice feeling.    
"Nothing, I'm just... tired," I replied with a small smile, my eyes glued to his when they moved downward towards my wrist. My lips parted for words but they got stuck in my throat as soon as Aoi pushed the fabric down even more, lifting my wrist to his lips and pressing a chaste kiss to the bruised spots. 

My breath hitched, a barely audible gasp torn from my lips.

"Don't worry about it too much. In a few days it won't even be visible anymore," he said, tapping my chin with a finger. A brief kiss on my lips followed, then he left. I sighed heavily before pulling the sleeves down again and quickly getting ready so we could leave.

It was our final rehearsal before the concert on Friday so I had to at least try to concentrate. It wasn't all that easy though what with the constant bending and tilting of my wrists only increasing the dull pain beneath the reddened skin. However, I succeeded in hiding the occasional, painful grimaces quite well since I really didn't feel like fueling the tension even more.

While I fought my way through the first half of the setlist, my mind trailed off.

I knew Aoi was a beast. God damn it, I should've seen it coming right from the start, the ropes and the utter need to prove his dominance even more than he already did. Of course I liked it, being overpowered, manhandled by him, **_especially_** him. It was the kind of forbidden drug, the place your parents told you to _**stay the fuck away from,**_ which only made you want it even more.

I wondered, was it in his nature? Was his dominant side the dark side that he didn't show just anyone? Only me? Or was it just the image he set up for the fans, an image he'd grown with so he wasn't able to differ between Aoi and Yuu anymore?

Either way, I was sure yesterday wasn't going to be the last night he made me beg for him to stop.

°°°  
°°°

Reita knew it wasn't a good sign when he caught himself _**waiting**_ for Aoi to leave the room once they went into the first break of rehearsal.   
Was he being too obvious?

The only one he'd ever told about his feelings was Uruha although he was sure that, after their conversation on the hallway two days ago, Ruki was suspecting something, too. And Aoi did so anyway, didn't he?

Reita scoffed. Fucking bastard, how could he even dare to treat Kai like this? If you asked him, Aoi was keeping Kai in leading strings, taking advantage of how Kai was so easy to convince. He felt his heart palpitating rapidly in his chest as he looked up from where he sat at the table, putting his bass back on the guitar reck standing next to him on the floor and laying eyes upon Kai and Aoi.

They were swooning over each other like the biggest lovebirds you've ever seen, Aoi crouching in front of of Kai who was sitting on his stool, looking down at his lover with a happy smile and a light blush on his cheeks while he talked. God, he was gorgeous.

"Yo bonkura," a voice reached his ears along with the movements of someone sitting down beside him appearing in the corner of his eye. "Coffee?"

Reita blinked. "Huh?" he made, startled, and albeit reluctantly turned his head to face Uruha. He looked at the two mugs of coffee in his friend's hands, then his face, then the mugs again.

"Uh... Oh. Uh, yeah sure. Thanks," he smiled apologetically and took the coffee from the blonde's hand.   
However, he didn't even give Uruha the chance to engage him in any kind of conversation (which Reita knew was his intention) because his glance moved automatically, eyes settling back on Kai.

Ugh, they were _**still**_ talking.

And the longer he watched them, saw the fond look in Kai's eyes, the more he wished Kai would be looking at _**him**_ that way.

Then, Reita noticed that their drummer was fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt, in fact now that he thought about it, had already done so the entire time Reita had watched him.   
Kai had the fabric pulled all the way down to the heels of his hands, trapping it between his palms and fingertips.

Reita would have thought nothing of it if not at that instance - it happened.

Aoi excused himself to the bathroom (or somewhere else Reita didn't care about, in any case, he _**left**_ ) and Kai put his focus back on his drumset, reaching out for a snare drum to adjust its position but he brushed his arm against the drumsticks he'd placed close to it and sent them flying to the floor.

Kai cursed under his breath and it made Reita lift his eyebrows seeing as it was quite freaking rare to hear Kai curse. Uruha heard it too and laughed (by the way, was the honey-blonde actually talking to him? Reita had no idea), causing the bassist to to throw him a quick glance and he was about to join in when the intended laugh perished in his throat.

Kai's sleeves were rucking up as he bent down to pick up his drum sticks, revealing his wrists.

And Reita's breath faltered.  

Bruises. An entire row of them, as though there had been handcuffs or rope rubbing into his skin. 

Red-purple stains almost neatly arranged like a bracelet around Kai's wrist. _**Fuck**_ , both of them!   
What on earth, what... what the fuck?!

Kai didn't notice his stare at all, just picked up his drumsticks and- fuck, the first thing he did was pulling down and adjusting those sleeves again.

Fuck.

Reita felt like tearing at his hair, outrageous thoughts instantly creeping into his mind. What was Aoi doing to him?! He felt his countenance petrifying, teeth grittening. 

"Oi Rei?" Uruha's voice resounded again.

"Reita?"

Apparently he'd noticed the bassist's facial expression, wondering what was going on. An incredulous snort fell from Reita's lips and he slammed his mug down on the table, coffee spilling over its rim as he shot up to his feet and was out the door in no time.

Where was he, where was that fucking bastard? 

Reita was _**livid**_ , fingery curling into fists while he stamped down the hallway, eventually barging into the restroom by literally banging through the door and bumping straight into-

Ruki.

"Whoa!" the singer shrieked in surprise. "What the hell, Rei??"

Reita didn't even know whether he was glaring or not but he surely didn't look particularly happy either.

"Is Aoi in here?" he asked, voice almost a growl before throwing a glance at the sinks and the area behind Ruki who frowned confusedly in response.

"Uh...," he made, turning around to take a brief look at the black-tiled cubicles, "Nope. I think he went outside for a smoke. Why, what is it?"

Without hesitating, Reita pushed him back into the restroom and slammed the door shut behind him as if Ruki wasn't already shocked enough. Now the poor guy looked like a scared, timid fawn blinded by headlights.

"What the...? Rei- "

"Bruises. He has bruises, Ruki," Reita cut him short without so much as apologizing, then exhaled fitfully with one hand restlessly running through his hair.

"On his wrists, I just saw them. Fuck man, I need to know what Aoi's doing to him."

Ruki's eyes were narrowed at him, confusion clearly written all over his makeup adorned face.

"Huh? What- wait, you're talking about Kai?"

"Of course I'm talking about Kai! For God's sake, it looked like Aoi tied him up or something. And they definitely haven't been there yet yesterday."

Reita stared at the mirror as if his reflection was going to enlighten him sooner or later if he just did so long enough. Myriads of thoughts were racing through his mind and he didn't like a single one of them, barely noticing Ruki's huffed exhale or how the smaller male stepped up beside him.

"Uhm, well... maybe they just tried a little bit of bondage? Nothing wrong with that."

Groaning in a mixture of annoyance and frustration, Reita shook his head feverishly.

"No, you don't get it. They looked _**severe**_ Ruki, as if the blood's been pinched off."

Oh no, this wasn't just "a little bit of bondage", Reita was sure. Something was terribly wrong. What if Aoi was forcing him into things?? Things Kai didn't want, that hurt him??

Ruki beside him pursed his lips thoughtfully as he leaned against the edge of the sink, arms crossed in front of his chest. Sure, Reita's description really didn't sound nice but on the other hand ... who were they to judge what Kai and Aoi liked to do in the privacy of their bedroom?

"So what were you going to do, huh?" he asked and eyed his bandmate critically, the knit between his eyebrows still visible. "Beat Aoi up about it? You do know he's only so far away from ripping your head off anyway, right? "

"For no reason! I'm not even doing anything at all, am I?!" 

"I don't know, are you?"

"I- "

Reita's mouth was opened, ready to retort something but no words came from his lips. He looked taken aback.

"What kind of question is that?"

Yeah, what kind of question was that?

Ruki rolled his eyes. 

"Well, you can't deny that you've kinda... been all over Kai ever since he and Aoi got together. There's gotta be an intention behind it, huh?"

Silence spread as the two of them looked at each other, seeming little short of dumbfounded. Well, obviously Reita had been right that Ruki was suspecting something. Fuck, the little devil _**knew**_ , didn't he?

"Uh, I... I just...," Reita hemmed and hawed, his glimpse distractedly focused on the ground.

"I just want to protect him? I don't want him to get hurt and I... I mean, apparently it's needed!"

"No! No, it's not, Reita!"

Ruki's voice had so suddenly gained volume that it made Reita cringe. He blinked as he lifted his head, a frown reflecting his surprise at his friend's sudden outburst. Wow, why exactly was Ruki so upset about this?

"Seriously," he said, brushing a hand through his blonde-brown locks. "You don't know anything about their private life and it isn't any of your business either. Didn't you see the way he reacted in Kanagawa? It's getting annoying, Reita."

The short vocalist almost seemed annoyed himself with how he rolled his eyes at the bassist's baffled expression, stepping closer to the door.

"Maybe you should just let them be since you don't even have any clear evide- "

"But the bruises- "

"Are just bruises for God's sake! How do you know it's not something he likes? Who even _**cares**_ if he likes being tied up while Aoi fucks him? Hell, it's his body and _**his**_ business, not yours. _**Jeez.**_ "

Ruki extended a hand, placing it on the door knob and it seemed like he was hesitating, contemplating whether to say those words lingering on his tongue or not.   
So, while he was still looking rather bewildered, Reita watched his smaller friend opening the door slightly, taking one step, then stopping in his tracks again. His body seemed frozen, then he leaned back to glance at Reita before turning to leave again. Just that, he didn't.

Then, when Ruki lifted his voice just seconds before he left and also just as Reita had begun to think that the singer's vocal chords had taken roots in his throat, Ruki's words didn't exactly contribute to enlighten him.

"Maybe you should put your focus on other things going on around you. Things that are more important, Akira." 

And he left Reita with his mouth agape, his eyebrows lifted high on his forehead. He didn't exactly feel any wiser now. 


	11. Reluctance.

F R I D A Y

The never-ending cheers of the fans kept ringing in his ears, even as he was already walking down the hallway backstage. It was unusual for him to remain the last one on stage after the main part of a concert but today was different.

Ruki had asked him to do the pick-and-towel-throwing for him, saying he was too tired and couldn't stand the frantic blinking of the spotlights for longer than necessary due to a headache. Reita couldn't help but think that there was more to it but he didn't exactly feel like annoying the vocalist even more when his nerves already seemed strained enough.

While heading in direction of their break room, Reita thought back to the conversation he'd had with Ruki. Of course he'd ended up **_not_** beating Aoi up, though he had to admit: That was just because Ruki had managed to talk some sense into him. Reita disliked the thought with all his heart, however, it was a fact that Kai's ... "bedroom activities" were none of his business. It **_was_** likely that he was simply fond of bondage and Reita really wasn't allowed to judge him, was he?

Besides, Kai was an adult, he was surely going to speak out about it once he began feeling uncomfortable, right?

Running a hand through his sweat-soaked hair, Reita then turned the corner, having decided to pay the restroom a quick visit on his way. He was kind of glad actually that he was arriving later than normal, he had already seen Aoi pulling Kai away from the stage and so Reita was happy that it spared him having to witness the lovebirds-in-mating-season.

Oh, he was so **_not_** prepared for what he was about to walk in on.

The lovebirds-in-mating-season were right in fucking front of him when he turned the next corner and they were, as you'd expect, **_pretty_** busy. So busy in fact that they didn't even notice Reita standing in the middle of the corridor and staring at them. Fuck. Just by looking at them his heart hurt **_so much._**

Kai was pressed up against the wall right next to the men's room, barely able to keep himself up straight which was probably why he was clinging to Aoi for dear life. Holy hell, the drummer looked absolutely **exhausted** , sweaty strands of brown hair sticking to his temple and chest heaving, and Aoi had nothing better to do than latching his lips to Kai's neck??

Right before Reita remembered that perhaps he should be moving, backwards at that and with his eyes already roaming Kai's body anyway, he noticed that the concealer on the brunette's neck, which was rather lightly applied either way, was already starting to wear off...

°°°  
°°°

_"Damn, that one doesn't fit my skin..."_

_I cursed under my breath, screwing the lid back on the small pot of makeup and rummaging through_ _Kaolu's_ _black bag in order to find a suitable shade of concealer that could cover the love marks on my neck and collarbone. God damn it, okay I understood that_ _Ruki_ _had a slightly darker tan than me but there had to_ _be_ _a light shade in here too, right??_

_"What are you mumbling?"_ _Aoi_ _asked from behind me and I darted a brief glance up into the mirror to see him straightening, a burning cigarette sticking between his lips as he closed the buttons and zipper of his black pants. Fuck, they were... tight to say the least, perfectly accentuating the muscles of his thighs._

_I caught myself dodging his glance, already knowing that with Aoi being possessive and fucking vain by nature, he wasn't going to like what I was planning.  
_

_"Uh, just searching for a concealer shade. To cover your hickeys, you know," I replied, chuckling while I was at it as if to try to lighten the mood that had so suddenly changed. He didn't answer at all at first and I could almost_ feel _his frown wafting over to me through the air although I wasn't even looking at him anymore. Finally having found a makeup that matched my skin, I screwed the lid off, paying an exaggerated amount of attention to the movements of my fingers that twisted the plastic round and round.  
_

_As expected, it was only seconds later that Aoi's body was throwing its shadow on the small dressing table I was sitting in front of. I tried not to get intimidated by his mere presence behind me but hell, his voice was...  
_

_"Why would you want to cover them?"  
_

_...sounding more like a threat than a question as he asked, propping both hands on either side of me on the chair's backrest.  
_

_Trapping me.  
_

_Sighing and giving him a glance in the mirror, I lifted a hand and pointed at myself._

_"Because they're... massive, Aoi. Look at me."_

_The smoke crawling over my neck as he leaned down and exhaled right next to my head made me shiver uncomfortably and I squirmed under his piercing glance.  
_

_"Well, I like them," he stated as if that opinion of his was the most obvious thing in the entire world, "And I want you to show them."  
_

_Yup, exactly what I had been waiting for.  
_

_I closed my eyes briefly with a renewed sigh. Why did he have to be so fucking stubborn? He didn't need the hickeys to show or prove that I belonged to him, I knew I did.  
_

_"Ugh, Aoi... Look, I can't- "  
_

_"You can," he beat me to it, typical of him, with that definite sounding tone of voice. "You're behind the drum kit where nobody can see you anyway. So there's no need to hide them."  
_

_"Are you kidding, there's staff back there, too! I don't want to risk letting them see either."  
_

_"Baby, they w- "_

_"They will!"  
_

_Aoi groaned in annoyance, dropping his head but I allowed myself to just not care for now. I proceeded to remove the lid and dipped two fingers into the creamy product.  
_

_"You're terrible, Kai," Aoi complained in a murmur, soon latching his lips to the still hickey-free side of my neck. "I should be punishing you for missbehaving and not doing how I say."  
_

_With the raven's warm breath hitting my skin, I feared it wasn't going to stay hickey-free for long. Punishing me, huh? Inclining my head to the side (only because I_ knew _he wasn't going to stop anyway), I began dabbing the concealer over the purple spots scattered across the collarbone area.  
_

_"What am I, a dog?" I quirked a brow at our reflection. Damn, I liked the way that looked, how Aoi was bending over me, burning cigarette still between his fingers and with his eyes closed while he trailed kisses over my neck.  
_

_"No," he muttered, "You're my boy. You're_ mine. _"  
_

_And of course his words were conjuring a blissful, little small on my lips.  
_

His _boy. Oh fucking God yes, I was. I was_ all _his.  
_

_A sudden stinging pain caused me to yelp, Aoi's teeth scratching over my skin as he bit down in a quite not-so-gentle manner.  
_

_"Ouch! Wh- "_

_"Don't take too long," he stated by cutting me short (again), our eyes meeting in the mirror. His glance briefly flickered down to the hickeys I was covering up, then he smirked._ That _smirk.  
_

_"Or do, whatever. You'll pay either way."  
_

°°°  
°°° _  
_

While pressed closely to the wall, the audible, heavy breathing and occasional, muffled groans reaching his ears from around the corner were sending a disgusting shiver down his spine.

"Let's go inside, I'll make it quick," he heard Aoi say and instantly felt like scoffing, knowing his face was contorted into an annoyed grimace. 

"I-I'm tired, Aoi, I... I need a break."

Kai's whispered answer was like a knife stabbing into Reita's heart, the hoarse sound quickly turning the annoyance into pain. 

Kai was completely spent after 90 minutes of playing and Aoi just...? 

Biting his lip hard, Reita closed his eyes and required all his might to keep himself from storming right around the corner and delivering a nice, juicy punch to Aoi's jaw. Ah, that was a notion he would gladly risk taking the consequences for. 

"I said I'll make it quick, didn't I? And it'll wake you up again."

"Aoi please, I... let's do it at home, okay? I'll be all yours then, I promise." 

"Well, I want it now though. You wouldn't want to disappoint me, would you Kai?" 

And there it was again, the superior, rebuking voice and Reita fucking hated him for it, for just straight out **_threatening_** Kai like this. He closed his eyes with a huffed exhale at the sound of footsteps, probably Aoi pushing himself from the wall and... leaving? Was he walking away?! Really?! 

Inwardly damning Ruki for asking him to stay on stage tonight, Reita turned his head slightly to the side so he could hear better though he wasn't risking to actually take a look because... reasons. 

"N-No! No Aoi, wait, please!" 

Reita's expression turned agonizng once more, the despair in Kai's voice tearing at his heart strings so hard he feared it'd jump straight out of his chest and the picture of the small brunette reaching out for Aoi with both hands and tears in his eyes was so god damn vivid in his mind that he didn't even have to turn around to know it was real. Fuck, Kai would literally do anything for that bastard of a boyfriend, wouldn't he? 

The latter's light giggle resounded and it only inflamed the raging thoughts in Reita's mind even more. How could he laugh?! 

"What is it?" 

And after that Kai's resigning sigh. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't want you to be upset. Let's... let's get inside." 

Torn from his lips came an incredulous gasp and he began shaking his head to himself. What was he **_doing?!  
_** Didn't he see that he was forced? That Aoi was using his power against him?   
God damn it, he had to do something about this! 

The sound of the door opening and closing that sounded soon afterwards was like a slap to his face and it was utter shock that flooded him when he felt his eyes tearing up. Reita blinked rapidly in surprise, lifting a hand to wipe at the not-yet-existing tears on his cheek. What on earth? 

Was the thought of Kai getting humiliated like this really so abhorrent to him? 

He gulped several times, realizing that he would eventually have to walk past that door and damn, he really still needed a toilet right now. Without realizing, he clutched at the fabric of his costume covering his heart, his teeth gritted. Why couldn't he just save him? Why? Because that was Kai needed, wasn't it? Kai didn't want it to be like, he couldn't want it to be like this, could he? 

With a huffed exhale, Reita pushed himself off the wall and turned the corner, determined to just walk past that door without paying any mind to it. 

But he couldn't. 

He stopped midway, glueing his glance to the dark wood of the door and he would've given everything in the world to just shut his hearing down, to be able to rot that beating thing in his chest, to kill those feelings that he'd developed for a man who didn't want him but it was impossible. 

It was impossible.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is kinda short :'33 12 will be better! <3 votes & comments are always appreciated and thanks a lot for reading :)


	12. A saviour's confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long :)

S A T U R D A Y    
  


It was the first thought crossing his mind when he woke up the next day, staring voidly at the wooden ceiling of his bedroom.

He was going to _**do**_ something, he was going to _**change**_ something.

Sending a text message to Uruha, he explained his plan to him while dragging himself out of the bed and into the small kitchen. He opened the small window above the worktop in order to dispel the thin layer of smoke that the several cigarettes he'd smoked the night before had left.

The entire situation with Kai and his (Reita was sure by now) abusive relationship was constantly stuck in his head and he knew he wasn't going to get rid of it.

Not until he _**did**_ something about it.

Kai needed help, but... what kind of help was it? What did he need?

Reita didn't even notice that he was chewing on his bottom lip while stirring his scrambled eggs in the pan (because hell, it was noon already), absently shifting his weight from one bare foot to the other.

God, this was fucked up. It was Saturday noon, he was still sleepy and failed miserably at cooking just because Kai was hiding behind his eyelids every damn time that he blinked. And the fucking egg didn't even taste good.

By the end of the "breakfast" which merely consisted of the sad-looking eggs and a cup of leftover coffee from yesterday, and that he (obviously) didn't even enjoy, Reita had decided to call him.

Of course he'd contemplated to just drive through half the city (since Kai just lived at the other end of Tokyo) and call him out on it but it was more than likely that Aoi was... well, **_there_**. And he didn't exactly feel like encountering him; especially after witnessing what the raven-haired bastard had done yesterday, it was also more than likely that Reita was going to beat the hell out of him.

Uruha didn't reply until one and a half hours later and Reita had actually wanted to talk him first so... he hadn't called Kai just yet. Or perhaps he was just being scared? Of what? Being rejected?

Grabbing his phone from the small cabinet in the hallway while making his way from bathroom to bedroom, Reita loosened and dropped the towel from around his hips.

_Hi_ _bonkura_ _, sorry I didn't reply earlier, was working with_ _Miyavi_ _on a few of his new songs. So... you sure about calling Kai? What do you wanna say?_

Reita sighed, not hesitating to press his finger to the little microphone button and recording his answer while opening his wardrobe with the other hand.

"Yeah, I am sure," he little short of snarled at the innocent cellphone, "And do you really think I'd just let him go like that? You saw the bruises, Uruha, something's up."

Lifting his thumb, he sent the voice message, then dropped the phone on his bed and proceeded to take out a pair of boxers and sweat pants, putting them on while his mind absently worked on developing his "plan."

By the time he was finished and turned around, the chat window already showed the voice message Uruha sent in response. Reita quickly grabbed the device, tapping the play button on the screen before heading to his living room.

"Dude, do you really wanna risk that?" Uruha's voice sounded exasperated and kind of... as if he was busy, or walking.   
"You're getting yourself involved in a business that isn't even yours and you don't know whether Kai's in need of help at all. I know you don't want to hear it but you know Aoi and- ," a short pause and the sound of keys unlocking a door, "What you're doing is dangerous and- ... What the-? Where-? Ugh, I left it at his...," a brief snort, "Anyway, you probably won't change your mind, you stubborn fuck, will you? Damn, you better not fuck the band up with those jealousy issues of yours, do you hear me? Well, just... take care, okay?"

From where he was now sitting on the couch, Reita blinked blankly ahead, his throat producing a groan, almost in frustration once the message had finished playing. Jealousy issues? Was that what it was?

God damn it.

_I will,_ he typed back before little short of shooting up on his feet and simultaneously already dialing Kai's number.

_**Fuck it,**_ he decided. He wanted to help, **_save_** , and with his determination as high as it was now, all that was left was _**doing**_ it, he couldn't shy back like a coward. He was _**not**_ a coward.

Reita stepped up to the window of his living room, staring down at the streets of Tokyo while the monotone beeping in his ears only emphasized his racing heart beat.

It seemed like an entire eternity that passed and Reita began wondering whether Kai was looking at his phone right at this moment, seeing the caller ID and ignoring him? Because he was already tired of his attempts to help? The waiting made him itchy, made him drum his fingers on his arm before running them through his still damp hair, restlessly and-

"WHAT."

Well, that wasn't Kai's voice.   
  


"A-Aoi?"

"Yeah surprise, surprise, it's me. What do you want?"

A deep, audible inhale flooded Reita's lungs, the grip on his cellphone tightening instantly. He just _ **had**_ to have bad luck, right?

Fuck, what exactly did he want to say again? **_Why_** did he call?? And did Aoi even know how fucking intimidating his voice was sounding like this?

But no. No, he wasn't going to draw in his horns, not like this.

"Uhm... can I talk to Kai?"

Unfortunately though, Aoi shot his reply like a gun its bullet, within milliseconds.

"No. He's... unavailable at the moment," he said and his damn smirk was so obvious in his tone Reita was sure he wasn't even **_trying_** to hide it.

But oh God... Really? He caught them doing _ **that?**_

Reita gritted his teeth.

"Why do you have his phone anyway?" he asked, grinding his teeth even harder at the irritated scoff that resounded at the end of the line, Aoi's answer a hostile hissing when he replied.

"Okay listen, Suzuki. He's right in front of me, he's naked and he's fucking spent. And I doubt that he wants to talk to you right now, _**okay?**_ "

Annoyance was dripping from Aoi's voice and as if Reita wasn't already feeling pathetic enough, he could clearly hear Kai's giggle in the background. Was he making fun of him, too?

A hard gulp crawled down his throat, forehead captured in a frown, and he felt more than just defeated with how rudely and brusquely Aoi had destroyed his plans. He'd probably smelled it through the fucking  phone, pff. 

"Uhm... okay then, I- "

"Good. Bye."

Aoi hung up on him.

And Reita just felt like fucking crying.

°°°

"What do you want for dinner?"

"Mm, whatever you come up with is fine, baby."

"Hm, any other wishes?"

"You for dessert."

I almost choked on the red wine I was sipping, coughing and throwing a disbelieving glance at my phone that lay atop the marble kitchen counter. Aoi's giggle came from its speakers, wafting over to me in a spirale of beautiful sound that made my heart flutter.

"What, you can do that for me, can't you?"

Even through the damn phone he managed to make me blush!

Chuckling lowly, I reached for a napkin from the table and wiped away the few drops of wine I had spilled.

"Yeah, sure I can."

Oh, _**sure**_ I could. I knew well enough what it meant to be dessert by now. Seriously? Our sex life was a freaking roller coaster and I had won the lottery for a one-million-rides-free ticket.

"Good, good. Ah, Sugizo's coming in, I gotta go. I'll be back in about two hours, okay? I love you, baby."

I smiled to myself like a little schoolgirl, thumb hovering over the red button.

"I love you too, bye."

After hanging up, a happy laugh escaping my mouth, I made my way to the fridge, turning the radio on in the process. I had to come up with something new tonight! Yesterday I'd been cooking some quick  Yakitori for him after the exhausting concert (not that our "break" had been any less exhausting), the day before was miso with rice _**but**_ I knew that Aoi hated monotony just as much as I did so I needed to find something new to serve him for dinner.

Consequently, I decided on a mushroom stir-fry with some fried fish. Due to the surprising fact that Aoi spent more time at my place than I at his, my fridge was packed with food, mostly vegetables and beverages Aoi liked. I'd spent quite an amount of money on all of them but Aoi was worth it, I knew it made him happy to see that I cared so that was the only thing that counted for me.

Taking out the small paper box that contained Aoi's favorite mushrooms, I couldn't help but think back to what had happened this noon. I had to admit, Reita's call _**had**_ been a rather unpleasant disturbance during our matutinal making-out session. Yes, I'd been pretty annoyed in fact, I'd been enjoying all those kisses on my neck, along my jaw and basically my entire body with my fingers tangled in Aoi's hair, his weight on top of me pure bliss and then that **_fucking_** ring tone...

Aoi's countenance though had been absolutely priceless so I just had to laugh about the entire thing even though I naturally understood why he was so upset. Reita had simply been acting weird lately, straining Aoi's nerves to a very dangerous extent.

I sighed to myself, wishing the bassist would just drop his unnecessary concerns once and for all.

All of a sudden my phone began playing UGLY on full volume and it scared the _**hell**_ out of me. Ha, did he end up changing his mind about dessert? Putting the mushrooms aside on the worktop, I closed the fridge and didn't even bother to check the caller ID before sliding the green button across the display.

"So it's not me for dessert after all, huh?"

"Uhm ... Kai? Hi, it's me."

Oh fuck me.

Facepalming myself, I cursed under my breath, praying Reita didn't hear it. Well, that was ... embarrassing.

"Rei? Oh, uh... Hi. Sorry, I didn't- "

"Check the ID, I know."

"Y-Yeah."

Why on earth was he calling again? Didn't he learn anything? I ran a hand over my face and hair, already sure of where this was leading. 

"What's up?" I asked though, nonchalantly and pretending to be none-the-wiser in a futile attempt to lighten the mood when actually the tension was already noticeable through just the phone alone.

"Can I come over?"

"Wha- What?" My eyebrows shot up to the heavens. "Why would you want- "

"Because we need to talk."

Uh-huh, so it was still _**that**_ topic, wasn't it?

Leaning my back against the worktop, I uttered another sigh and crossed my ankles, the display pressed against my ear. Why was he making it so difficult for Aoi and me?

"If it's still about Aoi and me- "

"Yes, it fucking is," he cut me short, the sudden volume of his voice sending a wince and a jolt of surprise through my body. "And you won't fob me off with that constant _I'm happy, we're fine_ bla-bla."

I blinked and blinked again. Wow. A disbelieving snort fell from my lips as I stared at the floor. Was that what I was doing? Was I fobbing him off?

As if instinctively, I lifted my free hand to take a look at the red marks scattered around my wrist while silence settled between us. They were starting to fade already.

"I... Look, Reita, I really..."

I didn't know what to say and I didn't even have to as Reita beat me to it again although this time, his voice carried a much softer, more gentle tone. 

"No, please. I ... I'm so worried about you. I promise it won't take long, just ... please."

Without me noticing, my face had contorted into a painful grimace, a thoughtful frown wrinkling my forehead.

Was I scared? Was I _**that**_ scared of hearing the things he had to say when all this time I'd been assuring that there was nothing to talk about in the first place? Then again, Reita wasn't concerned for no reason, was he? There had to be _**something**_ , right? Something that I was unable to see but seemed to be obvious to the people around me. Oh God, to hell with it!

He was my best friend, he deserved a chance to explain himself, didn't he?

"Okay fine. Fine, you can come over."

I knew Aoi wasn't going to like it and I was praying to the heavens that he wasn't going to return earlier than he'd said. Hn, was I being a bad boyfriend now?

Reita's sigh spilled into my ear, a relieved sound.

"Thanks. I'll see you in a bit."

"Okay. Bye."

My hand was trembling when I ended the call.

°°°

It had barely been twenty minutes until the roaring of Reita's motor cycle resounded outside my house and I didn't even want to think about how fast he'd probably been driving. I was opening the front door straight away before even got off his bike, his eyes quite literally glued to my face once he took the helmet off and shook his blonde bangs out of his forehead. It seemed as though he couldn't jog up to me quickly enough.

"Hi," he greeted with a smile.

"Hi," I said back, returning the smile though I was sure that mine didn't seem half as convincing as I stepped aside to let him in. Closing the door behind him, I reached out to brush his heavy leather jacket off his shoulders. I was so used to doing that for Aoi that I wasn't able to brush that habit off for someone else. 

"Here, let me take this. Go ahead and take a seat in the kitchen," I suggested as he pulled his arms out of the sleeves.

"Uh, okay. Thanks."

Still smiling in response, I nodded and hung it up on the coat rack beside the door before following him. Reita was moving carefully, I noticed, as if he was afraid I was going to throw a tantrum if he just made one wrong move and that caused my smile to not only look half-hearted but also bitter.

"Do you want coffee?"

"Did I disturb you?"

We blinked at each other, taken aback as we spoke simultaneously. He began smiling just seconds before I did and then I finally managed a laugh, shaking my head.

"No, no, you didn't," I answered, placing the mushrooms back in the fridge for now and retrieving two coffee capsules out of a drawer. "I was just starting to prepare dinner for tonight. Aoi will be home at, uh..."

Leaning back, I darted a glance at the clock on the wall above the fridge. "It's 6 now, so... 8, probably."

Reita hummed understandingly. Or maybe it was like a warning to him?

_You only have two hours left so you better start talking._

The coffee machine began working with soft dribbling noises and when I turned around to face him again, our eyes met instantly. We stayed silent for a little while and I already began to wonder whether he was going to say something or not, when ultimately he did, but it wasn't what I had expected.

"How are your wrists doing?" he asked, making me raise my eyebrows confusedly. What?

"My...? Did you...?" I stuttered, unable to say anything more and unable to stop myself from looking at my wrists for the second time today, if only fleetingly.

"Yeah, I did, by accident," was the answer and I almost, **_almost_** , recoiled when suddenly he came up to me and took my wrists into his hands. He seemed to be so cautious that my breath hitched before I held it. Fuck, I hadn't been careful enough!

Reita's fingertips fleetingly grazed over the faded red marks that the ropes had left, his facial expression - as if on cue - obtaining a sad feature. He was close, way too close for my taste so I backed away and it would have been unnoticeable to him if I hadn't already been leaning against the kitchen counter.

I gasped but to my surprise, it seemed like Reita didn't even notice. In fact, he was casting down his eyes as he brushed his thumbs over my skin.

"I don't want him to hurt you anymore," he murmured and lifted his head. My throat was getting dryer and dryer with every second that passed and made me realise how outright emotional he was.

For a few moments, I didn't know how to react. Agree? Oppose? Did it really hurt the night Aoi had tied me up for the first time?

"He...," I began after gulping. "He's not hurting me, Reita, it's- "

"Of course he does. Stop fooling yourself."

"I'm not fooling myself! You're just seeing things!"

Now I found the will and power to push him away, huffing irritatedly as I rushed past him but he was quick to twirl around and grab my hand once again to stop me.

"Kai, please! You need to let me explain!"

"Then go ahead!"

My voice was growing louder with every word and it was almost as though it was all coming back to the surface, every single moment of Reita's strange behaviour that had me confused so many times, it threatened to boil over.

"What is it that you want, Reita?? I'm _**happy**_ , can't you see that? Can't you accept that?"

"No! No, I can't!"

And then silence spread between us.

I stared at him, my chest heaving slightly. What was going on with him? Couldn't he just finally tell me? Why was he doubting the things that I was so sure of, that I loved Aoi and that he wouldn't ever do something to hurt me, that he loved me, too?

Reita looked incredibly conflicted but he allowed me to pull my hand out of his grasp even though his posture was making me think that he'd rather just drag me out of my house and as far away from Aoi as possible. But why??

I swallowed down the hard lump of insecurity that formed in my throat and took a deep breath. It was now or never, wasn't it? Talk about this now and clear it up for good or never do and risk the future of not only our friendship but also the band.

"Reita," I said consequently with a soft voice, hoping it would be enough to encourage him to talk because I really didn't know what else to say.   
Fortunately though, it was working and Reita finally, _**finally**_ , spilled the beans.

"It's getting worse and worse, day by day and I know you don't see it because you love him so much but _**I**_ do, **_I_** see it. He's acting so rude towards you, he's disrespectful, he ... he didn't let you make your own decisions and has he ever said Thank You to you before even once? For cooking him dinner almost every day, for washing his clothes when he stays over night? He doesn't give a fuck about what you told him about smoking, does he? Because it smells like smoke in here and I sure as hell remember how many times you told all of us not to smoke inside your house and yet _**he**_ does. And this... This isn't normal, Kai. You told him that they're too tight, didn't you? And he didn't care, _**did he?**_ Isn't this obvious enough? He was only seeking his own pleasure and he did **_not_** care whether you were in pain or not and I know it bothers you but you're afraid. Do you even realise how _**wrong**_ that sounds? You're afraid of speaking out against your own boyfriend, Kai and I just- "

It was the first time for him to halt, to hesitate while his trembling hand held on to the backrest of a chair. All this time I hadn't been able to do anything else but listen, his words sending a thousand different thoughts racing through my mind.

I realised it, like lightning that flashed through my brain and cleared it up like after a huge storm.

That he was right about _**everything**_ ; that Aoi had been the one deciding not to go out with the guys and not to let me meet my old friends; that I had never heard a Thank You before and that he did smoke inside the house although I told him not to. And yes, that I was afraid of raising my voice against him. I had dared to do so only once before, in Aoi's car the day he'd disturbed my conversation with Reita and just thinking back to how cold and distant and superior Aoi had become from one second to the other made me shiver uncomfortably.

I was afraid, only because I didn't want to make him upset or lose him but... this wasn't how it was supposed to be, right? How a relationship was supposed to work. It was wrong.

And Reita wasn't done yet, took a deep breath to complete his phrase and I was prepared for _**anything**_ but that.

"And I just love you too much to watch you suffer, Yutaka."

°°°

I couldn't even feel my heart beating anymore or perhaps it had just stopped altogether because I was completely unable to move, paralysed, freezed right there on the spot where we stood in the middle of my kitchen.

His behaviour, his angriness, what I'd heard him and Ruki whisper about in the hallway, how he turned distant every time Aoi was around and the way he looked at me, just like he was doing now. His gaze was piercing, pleading me to give him a chance. Had I really been that blind?

"R-Reita, I... I don't..."

And he smiled. And stepped closer.

"You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that I...," he grabbed my hands once again and I really didn't want to hear it, wanted to make him stop but it was impossible, no matter how much I looked like a frightened deer.

"That I've fallen in love with you quite a while ago."

The breath I had held left my lungs like a massive flood rushing across the shore, dragging me along so I recoiled (this time I really did) and shook my head at him.   
His words felt like venom that poisoned my body, my blood and my mind, made every single thought of every single moment I'd spent with Aoi seem like one of the biggest mistakes I had ever made.

I stumbled backwards.

Yes, of course I was blushing madly because one didn't simply brush a love declaration off like that, even when it was just a friend's- especially when it was a friend's - but I didn't know what to say or respond or what he expected me do.

Best solution would be...

"You ... You should go."

Reita sighed in frustration, of course he'd known that it was going to end this way.

"Kai, please, you need to hear me. You need to change something!"

"No, no, you should really go now. I can't deal with that right now, I..."

I continued shaking my head, tugging at Reita's sleeve to try and pulling him back into the hallway. It was reluctantly, but he did follow. My chest was heaving, what if Aoi did return earlier than he'd said, I was starting to panic.

"Kai, please, you- "

"NO!"

I screamed. I _**screamed.**_

"What do you think you're doing, huh?! You can't just come here and expect me to be okay with you telling me that my relationship with ... with the man I love is supposedly nothing but bullshit and that he's an asshole and that he uses me and that I... that I should just leave him?! Huh?! Leave him for whom? _**You?!**_ Ha, are you kidding?? I would never leave Aoi for anyone, do you hear me, Akira?! I would kill for him!" 

"But he's not even worth it, Yutaka! He hurts you! You need someone who's able to take care of you, not some douchebag like him who doesn't deserve you! Who knows how long it'll take until he starts bea- "

My hand slipped before he even completed his sentence, my palm hitting Reita's skin with a loud smacking noise as I delivered a resounding slap to his cheek. That did the deed and shut him up very effectively. 

"Don't you dare, Akira," I hissed through gritted teeth and as much as I didn't want to admit it, the shocked expression on the other's face was filling me with satisfaction. 

"If loving and being with him means pain, then fine, I'll suffer. Because I don't want anyone **_but him,_** do you understand?" 

Not caring about whether he was going to answer or not, I quickly reached out to the side and since I wasn't looking at where exactly I was grabbing Reita's leather jacket, I was basically yanking it off the hook of the coat rack before shoving it at his chest. 

However, just when I was about to tell him to _get the fuck out now,_ I was held back by a voice calling my name (my **_real_** name) and it wasn't Reita's. 

Oh fuck me. Again. 

My body tensed immediately once I realised that that was in fact the reason why Reita hadn't given a response yet, or any kind of reaction for that matter. When I looked up at him, I was barely able to suppress a whimper at seeing how rigidly his glance was focused on the front door. 

How long had he been standing there? How much had he heard? 

Gulping hard, I prompted Reita to take his jacket which he did witha stiff movement of his arms, then I turned around, meeting a glance so full of fury it forced my basic instincts to scream _Run away_ on full blast. 

It was absolutely ridiculous that I even tried to give him an apologetic smile. 

"H-Hi, Aoi." 

°°°

If looks could kill, both of them would have long dropped dead. 

To me, Aoi's stare was way more terrifying, the way he quickly scanned the surroundings, eerily calm as his gaze fell back upon us. His voice though... packed a punch. 

" ** _Leave,_** " he growled and it didn't need any more than that for Reita to wince like lightning had hit him. Quite impressive. 

Moving almost frantically, the blonde slipped into the sleeves of his jacket, then darted a last glance at me before hurrying out the door, not without steering clear of my boyfriend. Wow. 

Aoi slammed the door shut before Reita was even on his bike and the following silence felt a little like I had just entered my own personal hell. I stood with my legs crossed, my knees shaking and my fingers fiddling with the seam of my shirt while I watched Aoi opening the buttons of his black coat, one by one, pushing them through the holes. Was he making a show out of this on purpose? 

I gulped, he brushed the coat off his shoulders and when he lifted his head to look at me, I thought now was my turn to explain myself. 

"A- "

"Shut up." 

But nope. 

A trembling exhale left my lips and I almost didn't dare to try it again, not when he was like this, not when his eyes weren't the only indicator (anymore) that he was **_fucking livid._**  
I bit my lip insecurely, reflexively taking one or two steps towards him. 

"Ao- "

"I said **_shut up!_** " 

His voice was like the booming of cannon in my ears, my eyes squeezed shut tightly but oh no, that didn't stop him from throwing his coat at my chest, knowing I was going to catch it either way. He swooshed past me without another glance or word, leaving me by my trembling self. 

Shit, I had fucked up big time. 

Getting the loop over the hook on the coat rack took me an incredibly long time and I didn't know whether it was because of my wavering hands or because I knew that Aoi's cold, black eyes were waiting for me around the corner. 

Thank God, he had his back turned on me when I'd plodded after him peeked around the door frame. He was searching through the fridge (probably for a beer) and my eyes automatically slid up to the clock above it. Hm, maybe I could try the pretend-it-never-happened strategy?

_As if any kind of strategy ever contrived was ever going to work on Aoi._

"It hasn't even been an hour, why are you home already?" I thus asked, running my tongue over my bottom lip. My throat felt even dryer than earlier.   
As I expected, Aoi showed no sign of paying attention to me whatsoever, just moving about and getting a bottle opener for his beer. Oh, he'd chosen one of the stronger ones I had bought.   
When he spoke again, completely ignoring my question in the process, it was hard to keep myself from wincing. 

_He's your boyfriend. He loves you. Don't be afraid, Kai, don't be afraid._

"Explain yourself," he ordered with his voice just as cold as the beer bottle he'd retrieved from the fridge. Oh, how I wished I could just take its place in there and hide myself. 

I took a deep breath, not daring to move closer just yet so I leaned against the doorframe. How was I supposed to **_explain?  
_**

_So, our best friend is convinced that you're an abusive asshole and wants me to leave you._ **_  
_ **

Haha, you're funny. **_  
_**

"I... uh, he just came over to... talk."

_Oh God Yutaka, how inventive._

"To talk?" Aoi repeated, one perfectly plucked eyebrow lifted. "You didn't seem like you were **_talking_** though when I came in."

"Yeah, I... I know, we were fighting about something and I... I didn't expect you to get home that early." 

Well, I... really shouldn't have said that. It was just more of a fuel for Aoi's anger. He pushed himself away from the kitchen counter, placing his barely touched beer bottle on it and eyeing me suspiciously. 

"Of course you didn't," he spat when he stepped closer. "I'm just wondering, my sweet Yutaka... You didn't expect me to come home so what would've happened if I hadn't?"

Staring at him in shock, I incredulously fathomed in my mind what it was that he was hinting at here and it was like an electro shock sizzling through my veins. The panic came back. 

"No no no, Aoi, I swear there was nothing going on!" I walked up to him and placed my palms on his chest, my face now bearing a somewhat pleading expression, fear that he wasn't going to believe me. 

"I promise that absolutely nothing happened, Aoi." 

While my own eyes were almost frantically fluttering back and forth between Aoi's, he only narrowed his in return and I recognized my mistake immediately, had fallen into his trap. 

"I never said that something happened, did I? I just asked what **_would have._** " 

My mouth fell open. I was baffled. What was I supposed to do? Did he really think I would cheat on him? 

"I-I... I mean, I...," I began to stutter but he only shook his head at me, the action accompanied by an indignant scoff as he turned around again to brace both of his hands on the worktop. 

He stayed silent for a while and so did I, knowing that I couldn't risk saying anything wrong now. I knew his temper. 

I was on pins and needles, my eyes glued to Aoi's back while waiting for any kind of reaction. A  heavy, leaden feeling was taking hold of my heart, seemingly making the air around us crackle and not in a good way. Was it fear? 

"Did he touch you?" Aoi eventually asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

I sighed audibly and rolled my eyes (good thing he couldn't see **_that_** ). 

"Aoi, please. Do you really think that badly of him? Or me, for that matter? I already told you. **_Nothing_** happened."

But then **_it_** happened. 

All of it happened with lightning speed, just a blur of movements that rushed past my eyes, over before I even realised. Aoi twirled around, his arm flying through the air and the back of his hand hitting my cheek like a rock fitfully throwing my head to the side, the sound of it like an echo resounding in my kitchen. 

A gasp was torn from my lips, my eyes wide with shock as I endured the stinging pain that spread across my cheek. It prickled and burned at the same time, almost like some kind of worm crawling beneath my skin. 

Did he just...? 

Did he just hit me? 

_He would never do anything to hurt me, Akira._

Immobilized, I stared at the ground, my chest heaving and I could hear that he was breathing rather hard as well. What was it for him? Anger? Or shock about himself? 

My throat was more constricted than ever before, turning swallowing into the most difficult thing I had ever done and yet, I was able to raised one hand, my fingertips grazing the reddened spots that I knew were there, that hadn't been a weak slap after all. He'd used force. 

I could've sworn it was in time lapse that I lifted my gaze and I knew I looked absolutely terrified. I had never expected him to do this. Never. He loved me, didn't he? 

His eyes were just as wide as my own and it was unfathomable to me whether I was supposed to be surprised about that or not. Had it been just a reflex? 

We stared at each other with laboured breaths and even though my instincts were beginning to yell at me again, _turn around, walk, **run away** _ and I wanted to follow them, all I managed were two, three stumbling steps backwards before Aoi was already wrapping me in his arms, squeezing me and pressing me against his chest. 

"Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby, I'm sorry," he murmured into my hair, over and over again though his hug didn't last for long, he withdrew only to cradle my face between his palms. 

My view was blurred with tears I couldn't hold back but the way his eyes were frantically fluttering across my face was still painfully obvious. 

"Yutaka? Fuck baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to... I... please forgive me, I don't know what came over me." 

And I began shaking my head. 

"No, n-no, you knew exactly. Go away," I muttered, almost like a hiss as I used my hands, as weak as they might have been, to push at Aoi's chest, back and **_the hell_** away from me. 

"Yutaka, please, I- "

"Go away!" 

I screamed, again. 

"Yutaka!" 

"Don't touch me!" 

Multiple tears were now rolling down my cheeks and I continued to walk backwards, my lips curled into an agonized smile while sob after sob fell from them. It was such shock to myself but I couldn't bare his proximity right now. 

"Yutaka... please, I didn't- " 

But the rest I didn't hear, my back already turned at him for I floundered around the corner and into my bedroom, the door slammed shut behind me in no time and the key reversed in its lock even quicker before I slid down to the ground, one hand buried in my hair as I cried. Was this how he really was? 

Was Reita right after all? Was Aoi, in fact, an abusive asshole? Was that the revelation that all these exertions had led to? 

"Yutaka!" I heard Aoi call from the other side, then a hiss under his breath, "God damn it..." 

No. 

God damn _you, Shiroyama._


	13. First abyss.

S U N D A Y

That was the day everything changed.

I didn't leave my bedroom for a very, very long time; long enough to be sure that Aoi was gone. My body felt exhausted when I got up after a few hours of restless sleep and my hand was still trembling as I reached for the door handle.

After throwing a quick glance at the clock in the kitchen (it was past midnight already, I'd slept that long?) I noticed the sticky note atop the table. My heart began racing and closing my eyes, I exhaled slowly.

_Don't read it._

No, I really didn't want to read it so I ended up ignoring it while heading to the sink to fill a glass with tap water. The sensation of it trickling down was a welcome cooling but it didn't really soothe or stop my heart from beathing rapidly or my thoughts from trailing off.

I stood and stared blankly into the half-dark, the kitchen barely lit by the moonlight shining through the window on whose other side the regular pitter-patter of rain cut through the silence.

Suddenly everything had turned into a nightmare I couldn't wake up from, suddenly Reita's worst fears had become reality only several minutes after he'd left me.

What had I done?

I felt knots forming in my stomach at just thinking of having to attend rehearsal later today, having to hide what had happened. Above all, and that was what surprised me the most, I already knew that I wasn't going to be able to bear Aoi's presence let alone his touch.

Had he finally managed it? Was I really **_scared_** of him now?

But it was no use racking my brain over it. Fatigue was tearing at my nervs so I trudged back to bed, plonking down on the mattress. I didn't stop the tears from falling and trickling down the sides of my face. They oozed into the pillowcase as I turned my head to brush my glimpse over the empty side of my bed, staining the fabric with dark blobs but at least they disappeared. My heart was contracting painfully and my vision turned completely blurry.

My stomach felt empty, as if the butterflies that I'd fallen in love with had just ... vanished, as if they were fallen, twitching after their delicate wings were ripped off.

I could relate. At least both of us felt helpless. But that was only a small crumb of comfort.

°°°

I was a nervous mess when turning into the studio's parking lot, parking the car with a relieved sigh as soon as I noticed that Aoi's was nowhere to be seen. Reita's Harley, however, was already standing a few feet away next to Uruha's Bentley. Ruki was late today, huh?

I killed the engine not very friendly and climbed out of the car, the central locking squeaking before I made my way to the entrance door. My eyes travelled around absently, upwards to the third floor and met Reita's. The bassist was standing at the window that I knew belonged to the staff's kitchen, my lips formed a greeting smile and I lifted a hand to wave but he didn't smile back.

He surely didn't see the lightly reddened, tear-dry skin around my eyes but he definitely noticed that I was arriving alone which was untypical. I gulped, then, just seconds after I saw Reita's glance darting to the side quickly, there was a loud roar behind me and I didn't even have to turn around. I recognized the Audi right away.

_I'mnothereI'mnothereI'mnothere._

My feet instantly began moving quicker and I reached for the bag hanging over my shoulder, hurriedly rummaging around in it and searching for the key card I needed to open the door. Where was it, for God's sake?!

Aoi was already calling my name (fuck, his **_voice_** ) and of course I had heard it but I just looked back up only to find that Reita was gone. Oh God, he was coming for me, wasn't he? He'd seen that I was literally trying to flee from Aoi.

Where was the fucking card?!

My teeth bit down on my bottom lip so hard it threatened to pierce the skin as I fumbled and fumbled and fumbled, already arriving at the entrance but couldn't find it, I couldn't find it!

Reita was nowhere to be seen and Aoi's footsteps were already growing louder behind me.

_Don'ttouchmeDon'ttouchmeDon'ttouchme. Oh God please, don't touch me!_

My fingers were trembling terribly, unable to find let alone grasp anything but before I knew what was happening, there was a hand nosing its way into my field of view and I froze in place.   
The slender yet strong fingers placed the piece of plastic on the display of the card-reader unit, a simple beeping noise followed and the door clicked open.

"There you go," Aoi whispered friendly to me, pushing and holding the door ajar.

_Oh don't you play fucking nice with me, Shiroyama._

Gritting my teeth, I let go of the bag's strap so it returned to dangling over my shoulder and I didn't bother to thank him, couldn't even look at him before squeezing myself past between the door and his body. He was going to stop me, wasn't he?

"Kai- !"

"No."

Where the fuck was Reita when I needed him??

"Please!"

"Don't!"

"Stop walking away!"

Strong fingers grabbed my wrist from behind, tugging at it hard to keep me from reaching the elevator. I twirled around and our eyes instantly met, sending a heat so burning like hell's core straight to my heart.

"Why didn't you call me?!" he demanded to know. "I asked you to call me on the note and I texted you. More than once. Didn't you read it?"

"Of course I did," I hissed back, yanking my wrists free. "But I didn't exactly feel like **_talking_** to you."

Aoi knitted his finely plucked eyebrows before a scoff left his lips. "Are you kidding? Don't you think I deserve a chance to explain myself?"

I blinked at him, gaping incredulously. "Explain?? What do you want to explain, Aoi?!" I barked, my eyes fluttering around the area. This was a conceivably inconvenient place to start fighting with my boyfriend.

"There's nothing to explain," I continued but with my voice lowered, and bitter. "I raised my voice against you, you didn't put up with it. It's fine."

A hard gulp crawled down my throat. "Now I know where I stand with you."

Aoi's expression slackened and it almost seemed as if he was going to reach out for me but I forced myself to turn my back on him and head to the elevator. My chest rose with a deep inhale after I'd pressed the button, my eyes stubbornly fixed on the small display beside it.

"Kai..."

He stepped up beside me and although I managed to ignore him, the feeling of my painfully contracting heart was threatening to make me sob.

"Please, you know I didn't mean it. My hand slipped."

_Oh really? REALLY?_

I tsked but didn't answer. And trust me, it was hard, standing next to the man I loved, wondering whether he was who he pretended to be, feeling the heat radiating from his body next to mine and yet now allowing myself to give in.

 ** _I_** was hurt, not him. **_He_** needed to apologize, not me.

The door of the elevator jumped open with a soft _pling_ and both Aoi and me took one step forward.

"No," I reacted instantly and raised a hand to stop him. Because him as hotheaded as he was and me prone to just that dark glance of his together in the lift's small cage? Hell no.

I entered the elevator and pressed the third-floor-button.

"Oh God...," I heard him curse under his breath, his glance and posture clearly displaying his frustration. I bit my lower lip to prevent it from shaking, my eyes downcast.   
He wasn't going to stop me? He wasn't going to just lunge forward and press me against the wall?

Fluttering back up, my eyes brushed across Aoi's face, the black strands falling into this fawn eyes and the thoughtful frown. He'd understood, huh? That this was the border I'd set and that he couldn't just overstep it although he really, really wanted to, I could see it.

The door closed softly and the sound of it was like a huge relief making me loosen my almost cramped digits from around the strap of my bag. A soft, controlled breath spilled from my lips and I tilted my head back is the air above it was clearer.

Fuck, how was I supposed to survive today?

°°°

I don't think the tension could have been any worse.

Reita lifted his head to look at me as soon as I stepped into the studio and I could see the question marks written all over his face and they were surely burning holes into his tongue as well, but a quick shake of my head kept him from asking.

Same thing happened when Aoi arrived only two minutes after me. But of course Aoi didn't shake his head, no, Aoi **_glared._**

I sat down opposite Reita at the table, pouring myself a cup of coffee before looking around.

"Where's Uruha?" I asked since the former-honeyblond-now-dark-brunette was nowhere to be seen.

"Kitchen," Reita answered plainly, "On the phone with Miyavi."

"Eh? He's been working with Myv quite a lot recently, huh?"

"Mn. Uruha's a talented guitarist, I think it's an honor for him that Miyavi wants him to be on his record."

My lips formed a small smile as I nodded but I couldn't help but notice that Reita seemed quite tight-lipped. Sighing to myself, I took another sip from my coffee and darted a glance towards the clock on the wall. Ruki was really taking his time today, wasn't he?

I swallowed. The air around us was way too thick, like a damp cloth that was stuck in my throat. I felt Aoi moving and walking around behind me, his presence like the sword of Damocles hovering right above my head, ready to hurtle down if I only made so much as one wrong move.

In addition, I saw Reita's eyes gliding back and forth, from left to right from  beneath his bangs, (undoubtedly) focused on Aoi behind me. It was an extremely uncomfortable situation I really didn't know how to solve it.

When Uruha suddenly turned up, gretting us with a big Hello, I almost thought that that was the solution I needed, that we were going to focus on rehearsal now until I realized that that... wasn't the case at all.

I waved and greeted back and my eyes automatically followed him as he walked across the room and picked up his guitar on the way - a knotted feeling in my stomach forced me to - and I didn't like what I saw.

Aoi and Uruha met in front of the mixer console and they instantly started whispering about something, Uruha pointing something out on his guitar and Aoi laughing heartily in response. Even worse, and I gritted my teeth, as he wrapped an arm around Uruha's shoulder, holding him close right in front of my eyes.

He was doing it on purpose, wasn't he? Was trying to make me jealous?

_Jealous? Jealous of_ **_what?_ **

No no no no no, that was not going to happen. Their time was **_over_** , over and done with.

Besides, Uruha would never do something like this to me. He was my best friend after all, right?

Now that I really looked at him, I saw it. I saw proof for why I knew that Uruha would never **_ever_** do something like this to me. I saw that yes, he was clowning around with Aoi, laughing with and at him but by the same token, his shoulders were always tense, his entire body leaned back just the slightest to maintain the tiny bit of distance between his body and Aoi's.

He knew I was watching them, knew that there was only one thing I could think and although I naturally couldn't really tell, I had to think that Uruha probably knew that this was all just one of Aoi's tricks.

Yes, now that I came to think about it, he probably really knew, he knew because-

Because...

My eyes widened.

_Oh my God._

°°°

It was almost 10 PM when Reita was finally finished with reparing that one string of his bass that had annoyed the hell out of him for the last few days. It had snapped off after the concert on Friday and the bass would be obviously pretty impossible to play with tomorrow if he didn't manage to attack it back to where it belonged. But he did manage fortunately and he was glad about that.

What he was not glad about though was the tangible tension that had been wafting through the air today. That the two of them had been in a fight was pretty much obvious with them arriving separately and ignoring each other the whole way through rehearsal. Reita really wanted to know what it was about but asking Kai (let alone Aoi) was completely out of the question.

He'd ruined too much with that love declaration of his and it only made him feel even worse, knowing that **_that_** was probably the reason for their argument.

Reita leaned back against the backrest of his couch, bass settled neatly in his lap. His tohughts and eyes began roaming, grazing the curtains that billowed in front of the opened window. It was getting colder but he didn't minde. Nevertheless, he placed his instrument aside and got up to close the windowd with a loud thud.

  
Reita sighed to himself. God, all of this was driving him insane and hen eeded someone to talk to about it. But who? Uruha was probably really fed up by now, by everthing. Ruki?

_Maybe you should focus more on other important things going on around you, Akira._

But there was nothing! There was nothing more important to Reita than ... than Kai. And the craving to have him for himself.

Walking around the small table, Reita fished his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans, quick-dialling Ruki's number while making his way to the kitchen for a late night snack.

What was he going to say at all? Was Ruki even going to listen? Because he'd seemed pretty irritated as well...

"Rei-chan!"

He cringed at the sudden exclaim right at his ear. What was it with that suffix lately?

"Hi Ru," he replied, hoping the little smile curling his lips was audible in his voice regardless of how tired he began to feel. "Am I bothering- "

"No no, not at all!" the vocalist's reply came instantly, "You actually saved me from having to do the last round of laundry."

Frowning in amusement, Reita stuck the device between his shoulder and ear so he could rummage through the fridge. "You sound as if you've done nothing but laundry all day."

"Eh? You know I have a lot of clothes. And my _'a lot'_ isn't like- "

"Anybody else's _'a lot'_ , I know."

Ruki giggled. "Exactly. So, what's up?"

Reita's heart was beating faster than it should have in this situation andhe couldn't really comeup with an explanation. Okay well, that was a lie. He could. It was an explanation of three letters.

"I ... need someone to talk," he spilled the beans eventually, trying to decide himself between frozen pizza and frozen sushi. (Yeah, he wasn't really a house man and he didn't really want to risk trying to cook.)

And it was as if lightning had hit the young man on the other end of the line, making his voice sound snappy and dismissive.

"Is it about- "

"Yes, it is. I'm ... still worried."

"Who would've thought that."

A resigning sigh fell from Reita's lips as he grabbed the small box of sushi and put in the worktop beside the frigde. He didn't really feel like eating anything too fatty before turning in.   
Closing the fridge, he addressed Ruki again.

"Why on earth are none of you taking me seriously?"

"Because you don't have any fucking proof!"

Yep, he seemed _**pretty**_ irritated.

Reita snorted and put his bandmate on speaker before heading back to the living room and plonking down on the couch.   
"What about the bruises, though?" he retorted, placing the food in his lap after shifting to sit cross-legged.

A groan came from his phone and he almost see Ruki rolling his makeup adorned eyes at him.

"We've talked about this before, Reita. You don't know anything and as long as Kai doesn't talk to you about it personally, there's nothing you could accuse Aoi of, okay?"

The pout appearing on his face wasn't exactly offended but dangerously close to it. He was so _**sure**_ of it, though. He was _**so**_ sure. So he kept probing.

"What about today, huh? Didn't you notice the tension between them? Kai was ignoring him the entire time!"

Now it was Ruki's turn to sigh (not that Reita could blame him for it).

"Yeah, I noticed, sticked out a mile after all."

A deep knit showed between Reita's eyebrows while he listened and chewed on a maki roll.

"So?" he urged with his mouth full.

"Nothing, for God's sake!" Ruki exclaimed, obviously annoyed and Reita couldn't help but feel a little bad for it now.   
"Why don't you get it? You don't have any proof for what you _**think might**_ be going on and now you're expecting us to do what? Call 911? Get Aoi arrested? How delusional are you?"

_**Delusional?** _

Wow.

The chewing he'd done on his cheek after swallowing the sushi turned into biting. God fucking damn it.

Silence spread between him, disturbed only occasionally by the clatter of a keyboard on Ruki's end. 

Twisting and wriggling a new piece of sushi between his fingertips, Reita was more or less forced to agree with everything Ruki said, as much as he didn't want to admit it.

He knew that the bruises no legitimate proof but they were proof enough to him. On the other hand though, his stance could be as well-defined as possible, it was still never going to be enough to convince anybody other than himself.

But then ... _**brainwave.**_

"Why isn't Uruha doing anything? He- "

"Oh no, don't even start. That's not even an argument."

"But- "

"No!"

Ruki's voice had reached a whole new level of strict, definite and rebuking all at the same time and it made Reita lift a hand to run it over the frown that had now settled very comfortably on his forehead.

He really didn't want to go down that road again but none of them could deny that the past Uruha shared with Aoi was a possible solution for the entirety of this problem. Except for Kai who _**could**_ deny it, actually. Because he didn't know.

"Ruki...," he began but his friend was stubborn, obviously.

"I know what you're trying to say but- "

Well, he was too. 

"But, as harsh as it may sound, Uruha knows the signs of an abusive relationship- "

"And if he'd seen them with Aoi and Kai, you think he would've done something about it?"

"Yes!"

Ruki sighed.

"No. No, he wouldn't have because he's been through all of this with Aoi before, do you really think Uruha would dare to mess with him again?"

"I..."

Reita hesitated but in his mind, the answer was already clear. The memories were way too vivid to allow him to forget.

"No. No, he wouldn't."

"Exactly."

Both their voices seemed tired now, exhausted and even a little bit desperate as if they'd been fighting or discussing for a thousand years and still weren't able to end it.

What more was Reita supposed to do to save the man he loved from his own best friend?

"Do you ... want to come over?" Ruki asked suddenly, as though he was trying to lighten the mood but their evening was screwed and Reita didn't feel like having company.

 _Secretly, he was afraid he was going to break into tears if Ruki did so much as trying to hug him._

Consequently, the bassist shook his head for nobody to see and put the sushi tray aside of which he'd ended up eating only two pieces. His appetite was gone.

"No," he replied softly. "No, I'm tired as fuck. But thanks for the offer."

"Okay," Ruki answered, his voice hinting at just the slightest bit of a smile, a comforting one at that. God, the little devil knew what Reita was going through, didn't he? First experiencing it with his best friend and now with the man he was in love with.

"I'll see you around then, okay?"

"Sure. Good night and ... thanks for talking to me."

"No problem. Sleep well. Bye."

"Bye..."

°°°

It was a mess. It was literally a mess and Reita had no idea how to clean it up.

By the time, _years ago_ , after everything seemed sorted out, him and Ruki had thought Aoi was going to clean up his act after all the fucked up shit he'd put Uruha through. It was all Aoi's fault. It was Aoi's fault because _**he**_ had decided to keep Uruha for more than just a one-night stand, it was his fault because _**he'd**_ manipulated him and it was _**his**_ fault that it had taken Uruha more than three months to break free.  

However, it had been Uruha himself who'd asked them not to tell Kai about it. Kai was a highly emotional person and confronting him with something so disturbing as Aoi's ... "other side" and then witnessing him breaking apart because of it, _because he would have worried about Uruha so much, would have hated Aoi so much,_ that was nothing they were keen on.

Had that been a mistake?

_It had. We should've warned him right away. If he'd known, he would never have given to that raven-haired bastard in the first place._

Apparently though, Aoi hadn't improved. Not the tiniest little _**fucking**_ bit.

And now he was going to repeat the entire god damn process.

Unless Reita was going to stop him. Unless Reita was going to open Kai's eyes, more than he'd already done yesterday.

And he swore to God, he was going to do just that. 

°°°

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooooo, little plot twist going on here, huh? ;D Someone asked me a while back why Uruha visited Kai the morning after the concert, well ... now you know. He wanted to check up on him.


	14. Fatal lunch date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little short but I hope you'll enjoy either way :)

W E D N E S D A Y

Ruki realized that he was in love earlier than he'd expected. At the beginning, he'd thought to himself it was nothing but a rhapsody because Hey, Akira **_was_** handsome, no denying that.

However, the entire thing had been lasting for almost four months now and thus he was pretty sure that it wasn't just a rave, not anymore. No, it was feelings.

He'd fallen in love with his bandmate and it fucking **_sucked._**

It was an odd surprise to him how he seemed to be so cut up over a rejection that hadn't even happened yet or well, wasn't ever going to happen either way because Ruki certainly wasn't planning on confessing.

Nah, he was way too proud to show any kind of weakness and rather suffered in silence. Maybe that made him a hero?

The short male tsked dismissively and blew smoke into the bright, blue noon-sky. It was one of those hot autumn days, the sun was ceaselessly burning down on the patio of his penthouse and the cool, occasional breeze was more welcome than unwanted.

He'd been twisting his iPhone in his free hand for almost an entire hour now and it made him feel ridiculously childish. Seriously, what was holding him back?

_Hey Reita, you wanna go out for lunch?_

Nothing overly difficult about that. And yet...

Keeping himself in check had become an uneasy task during the last few days, especially when it came to talking to Akira personally. It wasn't as if he was annoyed by the blond constantly wanting to talk about Kai- okay, **_well_** , yes, he was.

In fact, he was tired of _Kai here, Kai there, Kai_ ** _everywhere_** _._ Sure, he appreciated it that he was the one Akira turned to, it meant that the bassist trusted him but...   
Being reminded of how the man he was in love with suffered because he couldn't have the man **_he_** was in love with, and that all the damn time... wasn't a nice feeling.

However, he was Ruki after all. He was going to find his own way of coping with this mysery of an emotional life.   
After brooding for another ten minutes, he ultimately brought himself to dial the familiar number. It took Akira half an eternity to pick up and Ruki felt gravely tempted to just hang up and go hide under his blanket but only when he was already in the act of pulling his phone away from his ear, he heard the line cracking, indicating that the other had picked up.

"Hey Ruki, what's up?"

And there it fucking was, the sexiest, deepest, most beautiful baritone Ruki had ever heard in his entire god damn life (except for his own of course, duh). 

Goosebumps crawled down along his spine.

"Hiiii Rei, uh..."

He halted, face contorted into a concentrated grimace. Fuck, he was stuttering already.

"I, uh... I wanted to ask... you something."

Akira's frown was basically audible and judging from the background noise (was that a giggle?) he wasn't at home either. Was he disturbing him?

"Yeah? What is it?"

Ruki's eyes were stubbornly fixed on the tattoos on his forearm as if the sight of them gleaming in the bright sunlight would calm him down. Not really.

"Uhm, I wanted- I mean, I thought we could... go out for lunch, maybe?"

There, he'd said it. He'd said it!

_Props to myself._

"Maybe talk, 'cause you know... about what happened lately. Maybe?"

_How many_ **_maybe_ ** _s do you think you need until you really sound like a swooning schoolgirl?_

Ruki's heart was hammering against his ribcage like an angry bull, constricting his throat to an almost painful extent. And the feeling only got worse once Akira's reply reached his ear.

"Eh? Oh, uh... actually, I'm out with Kai already."

Fuck. Fuck this shit.

_Of course, what did you even expect?_

"We're at Nami's for pasta but you can join us! If you want."

But Akira's words were falling on deaf ears, Ruki's thoughts already too far gone and leaving behind a way too familiar feeling of numbness. He hated himself for the way he felt at that particular moment, for the painful ache he felt in his chest.

"No no," he muttered absently, trying to swallow any snappy remark he could've had in store. "It's fine, you two just... enjoy your lunch then."

"Ruki- "

"I said it's okay, Akira."

_Snappy._

"Hm," Akira made, "Fine, then... some other time, okay?"

_Some other time. Who exactly are you kidding?_

"'Kay," Ruki answered tersely and hung up on him.

**_Fuck._ **

°°°

Reita frowned at his phone.

"Weird."

"Mm, what?" came from opposite him where Kai was vociferously slurping his noodles into his mouth. "What did he say?"

Locking his phone, Reita shrugged before pushing it back into his pocket. "Nothing much, just wanted to go out for lunch with me."

Kai's reply only came once he'd swallowed all of his pasta; once Reita's eyes were already long focused on him again _and him only._

"And he didn't want to join?"

"No, not really."

"Hm."

Kai sat back with a happy sigh, his bowl of noodles, mushrooms, chicken and vegetables completely emptied, chopsticks horizontally placed on top of it. The brunette's eyes wandered through the glass wall to watch the people on the other side hurrying past the small izakaya they were sitting in.

Reita's lips unnoticeably curled into a smile.   
Prying Kai loose from his home had been harder than he'd initially thought. Seeing as there had to have been some kind of argument between Kai and Aoi, he had expected the drummer to be glad that Reita invited him to go out. However (although it actually shouldn't have been a surprise), Kai declined at first.

_I don't know, maybe Aoi wants to go out with me... Although he's not here yet... But maybe later..._

**_Ugh._ **

It'd been a terribly long back and forth until Reita succeeded in convincing his friend to leave his house, without his boyfriend for a change. And now here they were, bellies filled with two portions of pasta with some good white wine and- nothing to talk about.

Well, it didn't really matter at the moment though, at least not to Reita because Kai didn't even notice that he was being watched. Reita's glance grazed along his lips for the nth time and he was sure he had their enticing shape memorized by now, just like he'd memorized the way Kai's dimple already showed at just the slightest hint of a smile or how brown his eyes were, a lot lighter than his own or Aoi's.

"Oi, what are you staring at? Do I have sauce on my chin?!"

Kai's sudden movements as he sat up to reach for a napkin tore Reita out of his thoughts and a light chuckle trilled out of his mouth as he shook his head.

"No no, you're fine," he replied, "I was just... thinking."

"Thinking? About what?"

"You."

_Wow, that answer came way too fast, Akira._

Kai visibly tensed, his chest rising with a deep inhale. It was quite interesting now, Reita had to admit, awaiting Kai's reaction to something so straightforward. Well, his love declaration had been pretty straightforward too, hadn't it?

Was Kai going to make fun of it? Or take it seriously? The latter, of course.

"You should stop that."

Reita smiled bitterly. He put his bowl aside so that he could prop his elbow on the table and his chin on his palm.

_"I can't."_

He responded truthfully and watched Kai folding in on himself. But he only shrugged. There was no other way out of this.

"I'm serious. I can't stop thinking about you."

_What the hell are you doing?_

Kai sighed heavily, running a hand over his forehead and mouth.  
  


_Oh Kai, you didn't really think I'd ever give up on you, hm?_   
  


"Rei... you're not making this easier for any of us," the drummer murmured, only darting a quick, insecure glance at the bassist.

"It's never been," the latter answered even though Kai seemed to be ignoring him completely. Or at least his words.

"You can be glad Aoi hasn't shown up here yet."

"Ha, let him try."

"There you have it, for God's sake!"

The only thing disclosing Reita's surprise was him blinking twice. And the uncomfortable feeling when suddenly there were other pairs of eyes focused on them due to Kai's raised voice.

"Don't you see what you're doing?" he continued, "You're always doing this ... deliberate provocation and afterwards you're offended when he's acting rude towards you."

Kai's eyes were wide with his lack of understanding, he was sitting up straight now and his glance was definitely accusing. Reita's in turn was one of pure disbelief. Was he...?

"Are you **_defending_** him? Why on earth are you **_defending_** him?"

_Keep your voice down, Suzuki._

Reita leaned forward even more, in fact close enough to reach for and grab Kai's hand but... he couldn't do it.

"Are you still that blind?" he demanded with a lower, but intense voice, "After everything I told you last week? Look, I don't know what more happened between you and him - and I know that **_something_** happened so don't you fucking deny it - but I think it was something that opened your eyes even more than I already did and you're just too afraid to stand up for yourself, for what you **_know_** is right. Because you two were a fucking time bombe on Monday and that's gotta have a reason."

Kai was the one staring at him now, both incredulous and shocked at the same time. His lips were slightly parted as if he was going to retort something but no words came from his mouth.

So there had to be some truth behind his words, hm? And Reita was going to stick to it, to his opinion about all of this despite the bad conscious that was already taking hold of him.

Keeping his glance focused on the drummer, he tried to make his countenance seem at least a little apologetic but Kai's remained in its shocked, now almost distant looking state.

If this was what the truth made him feel like, maybe Reita should have just shut up after all?

Speaking of the devil. Kai's phone suddenly rang and the brunette literally winced at the sound, his eyes flickering towards the device that lay next to his bowl and Reita didn't even have to look at it, didn't even have to waist a single thought in order to know who the man on the other end of the line was.

"Go ahead," he said with a nod. "You don't want to keep him waiting, do you?"   
His voice was sounding bitter and he was pretty sure it was deliberate. Yeah. Yeah, it totally was.

Kai's chest rose with a deep inhale but the only thing escaping his lips was a heavy sigh before he picked up his phone and the call.

"Hey Baby, wh- eh? I- I, uhm..."

Their eyes met across at the table and again, Reita knew exactly what Aoi had just asked.

 _Where are you?_ or maybe _Where_ ** _the fuck_** _are you?_   Yeah, that sounded more like him.

"I'm not at home, no. I- What? Really? Oh. I, uh, I'm out for lunch."

Mhm, now it was getting interesting.

"No no, of course not. Why would he- Aoi, I'm serious. I'm alone."

Reita's heart contracted painfully. Was it because it was his fault? Because he was, albeit indirectly, forcing Kai to lie to his boyfriend? Or was it because this was just the proof he'd needed all along? The proof that Kai was afraid of being honest with Aoi?

  
He didn't know.

"Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'll come home. Uh, give me... fifteen minutes? Okay. ... Yes! Okay okay, fine, yeah, love you, too. Bye."

Reita greeted him with a lifted eyebrow.  
  


"You're going nowhere," he stated matter-of-factly.

Kai sighed. "Rei... I- "

"No. Give me two more minutes."

"Counting."

The idea had already been settled in his mind for a very long time though he'd never been sure enough to really put it into action. But now it seemed like the only option he had left.

Reita leaned closer to Kai across the table, his voice and glance firm.

"You know the guys are gone for the press tour starting Friday. Spend the weekend with me."

Of course, Kai looked reluctant, immediately wanting to cut him short, to shake his head no because hell, who were they kidding?

The risk was too big.

The bassist, however, didn't let him come to word.

"I promise I won't touch you, Yutaka. Just a relaxed weekend under best friends."

_With the slight difference that we're already more than that._

"You need a little time-out and you know it. I promise you won't regret it. Please."

_Give me a chance._

Their eyes fought their battle for a long while, silently and with flames pounding high inside their chests. It took them two eternities to extinguish them.

"I'll think about it."

Reita hoped that the relieved sigh leaving his lips wasn't all too audible.

_Checkmate._

"Okay," he repeated with a small smile. "You can go, I'll pay."  
  


Kai's eyes were downcast as he nodded and grabbed his phone but for some reason, he didn't look nearly as conflicted as Reita would have expected.

Reita didn't have to remind him not to tell Aoi about any of this and of course the blond wouldn't either. He wasn't really keen on digging his own grave.

And as he watched Kai leaving the izakaya, he sensed a weird feeling of ... anticipation.

Somehow it even felt as if the entire restaurant was suddenly smirking at him because they knew.

Because he'd had his fingers crossed all along.

°°°


	15. Self-igniting.

F R I D A Y

_What on earth had gotten into me that I was risking my own damn life?_

_"Rei, stop..."_

_"I don't want to."_

_"R-Reita, plea- **ea-** nnh..."_

°°°

  
E  a  r  l  i  e  r   
  


Saying goodbye was ... odd, to say the least. The company's black van was parked in front of my house, engine running and the sound of it was almost urging.

I hadn't told Aoi about my plans to spend the weekend with Reita Of course I hadn't even though it was mostly because I wasn't a hundred per cent sure yet but also because I knew how to survive. Consequently and due to everything else that had happened, the mood between us was accordingly... icey.

Sighing inwardly, I let my eyes roam across Aoi's body. He was wearing tight fitting jeans as always and a loose beige shirt on top with sunglasses on his head and a bag slung over his shoulder.

The front door was opened but just slightly and I knew perfectly why. Aoi didn't want Uruha and Ruki (who were waiting in the van) to see us and it was absolutely ridiculous of him but I didn't dare to oppose.

Once our eyes met, the corners of my lips turned into a smile, no matter if I wanted or not and of course Aoi took it as an invitation.

"Baby...," he said and stepped up to me. His eyes were kind, nothing left of the anger he seemed to have been harbouring for me during the past few days. "I'll miss you."

A soft chuckle trilled from my lips. "Of course you will, nobody's going to cook for you after all."

His eyelids twitched as if in a sudden feeling of suspicion but he brushed it off rather quickly and instead lifted a hand. I caught it with my own, out of reflex and the mood changed immediately.

His eyes narrowed, mine widened only seconds later and I knew that he knew that I had expected to be hit.

Was this how far we'd come?

"Yutaka- "

"I'm sorry."

One week had past since the incident and he hadn't touched me ever since, at least not in a sexual way. He hadn't kissed me, hadn't stroked my cheek and for every affectionate gesture that I missed, my fear of experiencing his violence grew. 

I didn't know which kind of shame it was that had made me avert my eyes but I knew for a fact that it _**was**_ shame. Squeezing Aoi's fingers in my hand absently, I felt heat rushing into my cheeks. I hated him for doing this to me. I was so helpless and weak when it came to Aoi, I had always been.

"Yutaka, please. At least look at me when I'm trying to say goodbye to you."

I blinked. I didn't want to look at him. I knew I was going to melt the second our eyes met.

And so I did.

Aoi gently loosened his hand out of my grip and this time succeeded in cupping my cheek. A shiver ran through my body.

"You know I'll miss you, right? I'll miss you every second of the day."

Oh God, he was so desperately trying to win me back, wasn't he? But how was I supposed to know whether he would change for me? Was I strong enough to make him change?

"I know," I replied after a second or two but my voice sounded extraordinarily puny. "I'll miss you, too."

_Oh really, will you?_

And that was the point when Aoi finally understood that he _**wasn't**_ going to win me back. At least not today.

It was with a heavy sigh that he dropped his hand and the movement had such a touch of frustration to it that it almost broke my heart because I knew it was my fault for making him feel so defeated.

_Fuck, Yutaka, aren't you finally going to get it?_

"Okay," Aoi said matter-of-factly and opened the door wider, letting the others view us. A hard gulp crawled down my throat while I watched him take his keys and step out on the porch.

My feet stumbled forward insecurely and my lips parted for a "Goodbye" just as he was about to close the door but he beat me to any kind of reaction by giving his own and it consisted of him pushing the door open again and giving me an _**incredibly**_ rebuking glance.

"Oh God, come here already. Won't you at least give me a kiss?"

At those words, my breath literally got stuck in my throat. Because I knew exactly what he was doing.

My eyes twitched to the door, knowing for sure that Ruki and Uruha were watching us. Fuck. They didn't know about anything, did they? Or had Reita told them? If I wasn't going to do what Aoi demanded right now, they would know that something was still... up. Wouldn't they?

Fuck, he was blackmailing me.

Gritting my teeth, I stepped forward with a tight-lipped smile and Aoi instantly started grinning.

"Good boy," he smirked triumphantly and pulled me closer, into a kiss. A short sound of surprise came from my throat as I tried my hardest to not melt straight into his arms but once I felt the fabric of his shirt beneath his fingertips, I didn't have any other choice.

His tongue invaded my mouth and my body arched towards his and he only pulled back once he'd taken all my breath away.

"I love you."

I gulped breathlessly. "I love you, too."

And without another glance or kiss or touch, he was out the door.

And I was... free. For this weekend, at least.

°°°

I left only fifteen minutes after the guys had driven off and once I was standing in front of the door of Reita's apartment, I was pretty sure that this was the worst idea I had ever had in my entire life. But there was no turning back now, right?

I had my backpack slung over my shoulder when I rang the bell and with every second that past without Reita opening, I felt the nervousness crawling higher and higher up my throat.

When he eventually did though, it seemed like that broad smile that greeted me dispelled each and every single doubt I had.

"Hi!" he exclaimed joyfully, stepping aside to let me in and his smile was absolutely contagious.

 _I knew you were going to come to me._

"Hi," I smiled back consequently and entered the apartment. I shouldn't have been surprised when Reita reached forward to divest me of my backpack and brush my jacket off my shoulders.

"I'm really glad you came, Yutaka," he added and I cursed my body for reacting the way it did.

I blushed just because of the way he looked at me. "Me too."   
And it was so, so wrong but it almost seemed like I didn't care at this point.

My best friend had invited me to spend a nice, relaxing weekend with him and that was exactly what I was going to do. I wasn't going to let my mood be dampened anymore!

 "It smells," I stated bluntly. "Are you cooking?"

Reita laughed out loud and I didn't know whether it was because of my puzzled expression or because the thought of our bassist cooking was absolutely absurd.

"Not really, no. Just preparing a few things for tonight's dinner," he replied and picked up my backpack from the floor. He walked into the living room and I followed him with a nod.

"I prepared the couch for you to sleep on. I mean, we chould share my bed, not that I mind, but..."

He trailed off.

And I stared at him for a little bit.

I blinked at the sudden churning feeling in my stomach.

"Um, yeah, sure. Couch is... Couch is fine with me."

 _Yeah, let's make this even more awkward. Oh God, how am I going to survive._

Feverishly trying to change the topic, I turned around and headed for the kitchen.

"I'll help you then!"

An amused snort resounded behind me, followed by foot steps and I knew that I had temporarily succeeded in distracting him from... that. I didn't really feel like talking about Aoi or Aoi and me or Reita and me or anything related to us for that matter.

"Pff, don't you trust my cooking skills?" Reita grinned impishly as he stepped up beside me next the kitchen counter. Two small cutting boards with vegetables on them were lying atop it, a frying pan with heated oil in it on the stove to their right.

"You know they're non-existent."

"Ooii!" 

Reita pouted down at me with narrowed eyes and I pouted back with my arms crossed in front of my chest. "What?" I teased with a grin, popping a chopped up piece of carrot into my mouth. "I'm just speaking the truth." 

"Fine."

The bassist stepped back, waved at the working area and then plonked down on one of the chairs by the table.

"The stage is yours, chef."

"Eeh?! I'm not going to do all the work for you!"

"You said I can't cook so you go ahead and prove yourself!"

"I'm your guest!"

Reita opened his mouth but it was either my glare or the realization that made him close it again. He sighed, extremely threatically.

"Shit. That's true. Okay," he admitted and got up again, rolling his eyes at the demonstratively triumphant countenance that I showed him. 

I was legitimately surprised by the giggle that trilled out of my mouth.

When had I become so blithe around Reita? I wasn't used to this kind of feeling. All I had felt around him the past weeks was some kind of inner unrest, as if he was going to lunge at me the very second Aoi wasn't looking.

_Aoi isn't going to be looking the entire weekend, Yutaka._

_I know._

°°°

"Hm, I see. When are you home?"

"Sunday morning or noon, probably."

"Okay. And... you'll stay away from Yuu, okay?"

"Taka- "

"I mean it, Kouyou!"

Uruha sighed heavily. "I will. You know I will. Okay? I miss you already."

"Miss you, too. Bye."

 

Sliding his thumb across the red button on his phone's display, Uruha hung up and hid his phone back inside the back pocket of his jeans. Man, what was taking him so long?

"Taka! Are you done yet?" he exclaimed against the wooden door in front of him. "Come on, you know we shouldn't keep those people waiting!"

To be honest, he'd been dreading this weekend ever since he'd found out about the feelings Reita had for Kai. He knew his best friend well enough to know that he was the type of guy to ... risk things.

And now that he was a hundred miles away, Uruha couldn't prevent anything from happening.    
Kai was weak and Uruha knew that Reita wasn't going to play on that, at least not directly. But a touch here and there, with both of them knowing that Aoi never had to find out if they were being careful?

God damn it.

"Takano- "

"I'm coming! Don't stress me out like this, man..."

There was an instant frown capturing Uruha's forehead at the sound of that voice. Something sounded odd about his friend's tone.

The hotel room door was unlocked and opened just a jar but Ruki did neither step out nor greet the guitarist properly. Wondering why the thing had been locked in the first place, Uruha gently pushed the door open.

What he caught side of made _**everything**_ worse.

The vocalist was trying to hide it, sniffing out a "I'm almost done" but he really shouldn't have wiped his hand over his cheek before disappearing into the bathroom. The streaks of smeared mascara around his eyes were way too obvious.

_Oh God..._

Uruha closed the door behind him softly and walked down the hallway until he could lean against the doorframe of the luxurious bathroom. Why was always he the one who had to deal with these kinds of things, hm?

"Taka, are you okay?" he asked carefully as he laid eyes upon Ruki's small frame in front of the mirror. It was ... pathetic, to be blunt and it broke Uruha's heart.

Wiping at his cheeks and under his eyes to get rid of any black stains, Ruki gulped and sniffed again, clearly avoiding his friend's gaze.

"Of course I'm okay, why should I not be okay?"

_Because your eyes are reddened, your make-up is a mess and your hands are shaking. That's why._

Uruha sighed again and finally stepped into the bathroom. Ruki immediately looked at him with a mixture of surprise and insecurity, lowering the hand that held the make-up wipe. Reaching for it, Uruha's fingers encompassed the other's wrist to pull him close.

Ruki looked miserable from up-close.

"Let me do this, you're shaking too hard," the guitarist said softly and took the small, moist towel from Ruki's hand. Uruha could tell the other was blushing but he didn't think anything of it. There had never been anything going on between them after all and he would be just as embarrassed when getting caught crying over his crush.

It was hard, staying silent while cleaning the spots Ruki hadn't reached yet, especially when the singer's eyes were so intensely focused on his face like they were now, probably wondering inwardly why Uruha wasn't doing anything to protect Kai. Or rather... why Uruha wasn't doing anything to keep Kai away from Reita. It was the same thing to Ruki.

Clearing his throat almost uncomfortably, Uruha kept dabbing over the skin until there was nothing to dab away anymore and he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Taka, why aren't you at least confessing to him? It'd lift at least one burden off your shoulders."

Ruki's expression petrified within seconds and it wasn't quite clear to Uruha why. What was clear though was that the vocalist definitely hadn't expected his bandmate to _**know.**_

"I have no idea what you're talking about," the singer almost spat at him and whipped the make-up wipe out of Uruha's hand.

Oh god, what was this? The stage of denial?

"Taka, please," Uruha groaned, almost as if in frustration. Well actually, he _**was**_ frustrated. He was frustrated because he seemed to be the only one _**sane**_ in this fucked up love triangle. Or _**square,**_ rather. 

"You don't have to hide this from me anymore. Even a blind man can see you're in love with him."

"Pah, I'm not- "

_**"Takanori!"** _

Uruha's voice echoed from the tiled bathroom walls, a reflection of the stern countenance that had taken hold of his face so suddenly, shock and surprise written all over Ruki's features. He knew Uruha was capable of holding that deep, brotherly tone but that had almost been a yell and the guitarist didn't look ... pleased. Not at all. Fuck.

Uruha's chest rose with a deep inhale, amber eyes fixed stubbornly on Ruki's and his glance just _**wouldn't**_ let go of the vocalist's.

"Listen. Everyone else in this band seems to be blind man but I am not. If you think you can hide the fact that you're suffering behind that diva mask of yours, you can't. Not with me, Taka. You can't be any more obvious."

A hard gulp crawled down Ruki's throat. He knew this was only the beginning of everything his friend had to say and he knew that all of it was going to be the truth. The truth he couldn't handle.

"I can see the way you look at him whenever you feel unwatched. I can see your smile fading the second he smiles at Kai. And I can see your gaze flicking over Aoi's face as soon as he pulls Kai away from him because that's when you feel hope again, for some fucked up reason."

_Fuck._

"Taka, I know it's hard. I've been there." _Trust me, I've been there._ "But all this denying and trying to act cool that you're doing... it won't make it better. The situation is fucked up enough. You need- "

"He keeps telling me everything."

Uruha's mouth remained open for a few seconds, eyes now following Ruki as the shorter male turned around and propped both of his hands on the edge of the sink, his voice an unhealthy shade of raspy and disheartened.

Was Ruki about to open up a little? Uruha better not pressed forward. So he waited, a solid two minutes in deathly silence until the brunet slowly lifted his head, looking at himself in the mirror as he spoke.

"He keeps _**calling**_ and telling me how worried he is and that he wants to do something and...,"  a brief pause and a scoff, "it's making me sick."

Uruha felt his heart sink. God, Ruki was so, so in love with the bassist. And Reita was so, so blind. It really seemed Uruha was the only one happy with his love life. How ironic.

"You need to tell him, Taka," he sighed eventually, stepping up to the singer and gently placing a hand on his shoulder. However, Ruki only shook his head and Uruha noticed in shock how the other's eyes were tearing up again.

"I can't, Kou. I can't, he will ... push me away, I know it."

"How do you know when you haven't even tried?"

"I don't have to fucking try!" 

Ruki suddenly yelled, a galvanic movement of his arm slapping Uruha's arm away, causing the blond to gasp and stumble backwards.

"I don't have to try, okay?! I'm just a friend to him, _**I know!**_   I'm nothing but a god damn agony column to him and me confessing is surely not going to make that better! No, it will only make it worse, Uruha. He won't ever tell me anything again because he'll be afraid of hurting me and then... then... then he'll be even more out of reach than he already is and let's be honest, you and I know what these two are doing this weekend."

Ruki's chest was heaving lightly, throat bobbing with a swallow and Uruha could almost swear he saw tears glimmering between his eyelashes. 

"I- "

"He asked me why _**you**_ aren't doing anything, Uruha. He asked me why you, who'd know how to help, aren't doing anything."

Uruha blinked. Reita... _what?_

"Do you see what I mean?" Ruki used the stunned silence to continue. "He's already on that level of 'delusional.' Despite everything you've been through."

The way he was gritting his teeth was giving him away, Uruha knew, or the way his body had visibly tensed at just the mere notion of thinking back to what had happened between Aoi and him a few years ago.

"I... I mean, I- "

"It's okay," Ruki quickly cut him off and stepped up to him with a surprisingly broad smile on his lips as he reached for one of the guitarist's hands, covering with both of his own.

"It's okay, Kou," he repeated and it was beyond Uruha's understanding how the petite male was able to sound so encouraging so suddenly, with such a fierce look in his eyes. "I don't want you to go through this again, you won't have to, okay? We'll handle this, I'm sure we will. Don't worry. You won't ever have to face Aoi like that again, I promise."

At which exact point in this conversations had their demeanors switched so drastically? Why was it suddenly Uruha who had to be reassured that everything was going to be alright? Was it because Ruki had noticed the way his eyes had widened?

He gulped, took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Okay, he wasn't going to give in to these emotions now, no. He was better than this. Uruha was better than this. Uruha had survived it all and he had found someone after all and it was all good. _**It was all. good.**_

Curling his lips up into a smile, he withdrew his hand.

"Thank you, Taka," he replied. "I'm sure we'll get through this. And I'm sorry for getting you so upset, I know I should've let you concentrate on the interview."

Ruki shook his head in response, the corners of his mouth upturned as well.

"No, it's okay. Maybe I'll realize later on that you're right after all."

And once the vocalist giggled that characteristic giggle of his, Uruha knew they were back to normal and his chest instantly felt a ton lighter.

"Alright, let's get going then. I'll wait outside," he said and retreated back into the hallway after Ruki had nodded in agreement.

But Uruha knew it wasn't as easy as that. He hated to admit it but Kai was as weak as a dry leave in a winter breeze when it came to Aoi. Kai loved him so much, too much. And Uruha wondered how bad their situation really was. Had Aoi already started the beating? Was that why Reita was so desperate to help him? Did Reita know more than he admitted?

°°°

"I can _**not**_ eat all of this."

"Oi, I put my whole heart into this, you have to eat it."

"What, your heart?"

_Yes Yutaka, devour my heart and never give it back._

I giggled and plonked down on Reita's leather couch, a medium-sized bowl filled with rice, chicken and bamboo in my hands.

After the almost excessive cooking Reita had done just to prove to me that he was _**indeed**_ able to cook, we found ourselves confronted with a huge amount of food, packed all over the bassist's coffee table.

Reita's failed attempt to create some sort of tomato sauce earlier had however left its marks on my beautiful, light blue jeans which had forced me to change into my pyjama pants. It was a lot more comfortable though so I didn't complain.

"I don't even know where to start, to be honest," I admitted as I put the bowl down. It took me a little to find a free spot but I managed it. Eyes wandering across the plates of different kinds of tempura, mushrooms, the bowls filled with fish and soup, the small trays of sushi, I could feel and hear my stomach rumble.

Reita rolled his eyes at me after sitting down. "If there's soup, you always start with the soup."

I blinked at him. Where the hell did that rule come from?

"Uhm, okay then," I chuckled and reached for the bowl of soup to pour some into my own smaller one that I'd brought from the kitchen.

While I started slurping carefully and watched Reita do the same after switching the TV on, I suddenly noticed that during the last few hours that I'd spent with cooking and laughing and generally being childish as all hell with Reita... I hadn't thought about Aoi all that much.

In fact, I hadn't thought about him at all, not once.

And it reminded me of the free day I had spent in Kanagawa with Reita and Ruki two weeks ago and of how the same had happened there. They distracted me, or had at least tried to make me forget about Aoi.

I didn't know whether to feel bad about how I only seemed to be able to enjoy my time when I forgot all about my boyfriend but I realized that right at this very moment, I did _**not**_ feel bad.

"Aaaaahaha!"

Reita's absolutely sudden, roaring laugh was tearing me out of my thoughts, literally making me wince but he did anything but notice. I blinked and focused my gaze on whatever it was on TV that had Reita curling up with laughter, his bowl of rice and fish trembling in his hand.

The frown on my face was definitely a display of amusement. Reita wasn't seriously laughing his ass off over an episode of _Takeshi's Castle_ , was he? What kind of channel was this anyway when it aired fucking **_Takeshi's Castle?_**

I watched him with small smile. Ah, my mood was dampened now, damn Aoi for creeping back into my mind and making me poke my food more absently than in intentin to eat it before I set it down on the table entirely.

"Oh my God, did you see that? Oh God, I can't, this- ... Oi. Yutaka?"

A hand touched my arm hesitantly.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

I looked up, and the sheer concern I saw in Reita's eyes was almost overwhelmingly intense. My smile was still there but it didn't seem to convince him, not even paired with a nod and my reply.

"Yeah, sure, I was just ... lost in thoughts."

My words carved a frown into the bassist's forehead.

"Lost, hm? More like thinking of how he would react if he found about this."

And there we were again.  
  


And suddenly his lips were on mine.  
  


I could still hear the noise of how he'd put his bowl back down onto the glass table, could feel my eyes widening as if in slow motion, could sense his kiss burning into every single fibre of my body.

_Oh Akira._

"What are you doing?!" I gasped as I managed to shove him away from me. My heart started racing like a fire truck, its alarm bells booming inside my head with defeaning volume.

My lips were tingling.

"Something I should have done long ago. If only I had done it earlier, maybe I would have been able to keep you safe."

The utter confidence settling in Reita's eyes was absolutely terrifying.

I blinked and gulped and ran a hand over my face and through my hair, all at the same time and still not knowing what to do. I had just...

_He kissed me. Reita kissed me._

"Yutaka."

Oh why on earth wasn't I pulling back when he reached for my wrist again?

Cold fingers circled around my skin and all I could do was stare at him, or maybe lightly shake my head but that was it.

"Yutaka, please. Give me a chance."

I shook my head again, barely able to move. I had to get away. I had to get away or he was going to do it again. He was going to get me, going to drown me! I could feel it.

"I can't."

"You can't? But you would if it wasn't for Aoi, right?"

_God, don't do this to me._

The TV's sounds had turned into nothing more but background noise by now, my heart's frantic beat like a thunderstorm inside my chest.

I was too slow.

My leg had barely slid an inch to the left, towards the edge of the couch, when his mouth had decended upon mine once again. The flames came back, making everything prickle.

Reita started shifting and we moved like magnets.

He followed as I backed away as best as I could, gasping against those lips that were still trying and trying and trying to capture mine, succeeded from time to time. But Reita's couch was big and I wasn't fast enough to crawl towards the opposite end.

And it was when I found myself trapped beneath him, that I felt his tongue against my upper lip. He forced me to moan, forced my mouth to open up for him and he lunged for that opportunity immediately.

My eyes fell close and I gave in.

 _You didn't even try, did you._

But _**God**_ , he was such a good kisser.

It was as if he'd flipped a switch that made him turn into a more passionate, fiery version of himself. The way I returned and pushed my tongue against his more than just an indicator to him but it felt so, so good, I didn't know why but it felt _**so**_ good and I didn't want it to end, not now.

Our breathing became harder, shorter, gasps were getting louder, audible whenever we pulled away for air, only to kiss again a second later. The feeling of his body towering above me was nothing like the feeling I got when Aoi was in that position. With Aoi, I felt defeated.

Right now, I felt ... protected. Almost ... strong.

"Reita..."

"Ssh."

"Rei, stop..."

"I don't want to."

"R-Reita, plea- _ **ea-**_ nnh..."

Without even noticing, my head fell back as soon as delicate lips began wandering tentatively towards my neck, drawing lines of ice and fire along my skin, making me writhe and cling to him as if for dear life.

And yes, I moaned when he began sucking and when one of his hands settled on the side of my thigh, I wasn't ashamed of the way my body reacted to the way that hand sweeped upward, dangerously close to a territory that wasn't his.

However, at some point, the sound of alarm bells ringing inside my head became too loud to handle.

My eyes snapped open and my arms shot up, pushing at Reita's chest so hard it even threw him off a little with how fitfully he fell backwards.

"Wh- "

"Don't," I panted and crawled away from him, as far as I could until my hands hit nothing but air behind me. "Don't you dare leave marks. He's going to kill me if he sees them."

Reita's expression turned sour and shocked at the same time. 

"What? No, Yutaka, he won't. I'll protect you."

"You can't. You can't, Reita, he ... he'll find out. He will. He won't let me get away with it. He will make me pay."

Reita looked at me as if he'd seen a ghost which was understandable concidering the fact that not even I myself knew how crazed I looked right now. The feeling of strength from just a minute ago had vanished entirely.

"Yutaka, I didn't do anything," the bassist tried to reassure again, his voice so soft and yet insecure, "I didn't leave marks, there's nothing there, nothing visible."

"No, he'll find out."

I was talking to myself already. But I didn't notice the way Reita's countenance changed from shock to fear or how he tried to reach out for me again but failed.

Was this a panic attack? Was that my heart was racing so wildly? What was going on with me?? 

_Is this how far we've come, Aoi?_   _Is this what you made me?_

"He won't."

"He's going to kill me."

"Yutaka please, calm down. There's nothing there."

"He's going to kill me."

"Yutaka, calm down!"

"He's going to kill me."

"I swear to God, he will _**not**_ find out." 

"He's going to-  No, what are you doing! No, don't! Akira, no! He's going to-  Mmn..."  
°°°

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me.   
> But I know that now that you know about a certain someone in Uruha's life, y'all keep thinking about which other J-Rocker's real name starts with Taka. If you do find out, DON'T SPOIL!! :D   
> It'll be revealed in the end.   
> Thanks for reading, kudos and comments are appreciated as always ^-^


	16. Fire.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They just can't hold back anymore.

S A T U R D A Y

I woke up with a jolt and gasped before my eyes began flying across the room, frantically searching for something that told me where I was.

The sunlight shining through the windows was a lot brighter than what I was used to so this was definitely not my home.

I knew the second my glance fell upon the wristwatch lying atop the glass table that stood next to the couch I'd slept on. Reita's.

A fitful exhale left my lungs but I wasn't even a single bit more relaxed. Combing fingers through my messy hair, I sat up properly and darted a brief glance towards the hallway. Soft sizzling noises were coming from there, probably the kitchen.

_He's awake._

I rubbed at my eyes as I swung my legs over the edge of the couch and as I sat there, I was absolutely unable to fight off the images that slowly fought their way back into my still sleepy mind.

_His lips were unmoving against mine, pressed like solid rock and I could tell that he was holding his breath. And so was I, unable to keep to my lids from fluttering close. They stayed like that, maybe because the darkness made me feel like none of this was actually happening, but once he pulled back and I could feel his breath fanning out across my mouth, I knew that this was just all too real._

_My eyes opened hesitantly and met his._

_"Calmed down?" he asked with a soft voice and his brown eyes had an eerily calm effect on me so I nodded and took a deep breath._

_Reita smiled as he sat back up, giving me space. Which didn't mean I was any less captured by his eyes._

_"I love you," he murmured eventually and reached for his bowl again, staring at its content. We had barely touched our food after all.  "I really do. And I promise I'll do anything I can to protect you."_

_Biting down on my lower lip, I straightened as well but my appetite was gone and my voice sounded terribly weak. And... sad._

_"I know."_

A soft sigh left my lips and I shook my head to myself.

There was no way I was ever going to be able to forget about this, no way I was ever going to look at him the same way again, or Aoi for that matter. Thinking of him instantly sent a very uncomfortable shiver down my back.

I really was no hand at lying, at keeping secrets but that was exactly what was ahead of me, I knew. I couldn't risk Aoi finding out about any of this.

Ultimately, when I decided that I couldn't keep sitting here for ever, I dragged my body up on its feet and trudged down the hallway. Reita's back was what greeted me once I turned to the kitchen. He didn't notice me which gave me plenty of time to inspect whatever it was that he was making for breakfast. Seemed like a paprika omelette was sizzling in the pan and the small lights on the rice cooker were on, too.

And while I leaned against the doorframe and my eyes followed him as he wandered from left to right in front of the stove, I was wondering whether he knew what he'd done yesterday, the consequences of his kiss that were going to change everything.

Had it been his intention? Maybe. Or maybe I was just being overdramatic. 

_Stop brooding, Yutaka._

"Good morning." 

I thought I saw him wince but it could have just been my imagination. He turned around, a mixture of surprise and joy written over his face. 

"Oh, hi! Good morning," he smiled at me and I didn't know whether he thought it was unobtrusive or just didn't try to hide it, in any case, I didn't miss the way his eyes took a split second to travel up and down my body. (I couldn't blame him, I was wearing shorts and he was Reita, so.)

The smile spreading on my lips felt less forced than I'd expected and I stepped further into the kitchen. 

"What are you making?" 

Reita had turned back to the stove to flip the omelette around in the pan. 

"Oh just the usual breakfast, omelette and rice. Or do you want something different? And what do you want to drink? Go ahead, sit down." 

His words made me chuckle but I followed his offer and sat down at the dining table that fit so perfectly into its alcove next to the fridge. 

"No, it's perfect like this. I'll take coffee." My glance fell upon the coffee machine. "I can make- "

"No no no, you stay there, I can do this." 

I only pursed my lips in response, not wanting to butt in. I knew why he was doing this, why he already wanted to do everything for me. Was he trying to make it up to me? 

Silence settled between us as Reita kept flipping the omelette to keep both sides equally gold-brown, switched the rice cooker off and the coffee machine on and fetched two bowls out of a cupboard. 

He seemed so ... cheerful.

_And it's only 09:30._

I watched him mumbling to himself, _where are the coffee pads, god damn it, chopsticks?!,_ and I just couldn't suppress a giggle but he didn't even notice anyway. 

"Okay, uhm, coffee. Here, there you go." He set a small cup of coffee down in front of me before quickly turning back around and reaching for the rest of the food. 

"Rice ... plus the ... omelette. Ah, there." 

My eyes were glued to his face and I was unable to look away or to stop smiling. My heart was racing, for absolutely no reason. 

"Why are you staring at me like that?" 

"H-Huh?" 

I blinked myself out of whatever trance I had been in, and came face to face with a bassist looking at me in confusion. I glanced down at our filled bowls standing between us on the kitchen table, next to two coffee mugs, then glanced back up and huffed out a laugh. 

"Uh, sorry. I'm sorry, I was ... lost in thought." 

Reita chuckled but he didn't seem convinced. He probably thought that I'd thought of Aoi again, huh? Or of yesterday. 

"Ah," he made and we began digging into our food. 

This silence was another kind of silence than the one from just three minutes ago. 

He was waiting for me to say something, I knew it but I was unsure as to how I was supposed to address it. I wanted to forget about it, sure, but that didn't mean that him and I didn't need to talk about it. 

_God damn, open your mouth, Yutaka._

_I can't!_

The pressure in my lungs became worse and worse with every second that I held my breath but I just couldn't find the right words, they were stuck somewhere deeply buried at the back of my head and- 

"I'm sorry." 

What? 

_Did you just apologize?_

_No, he did._

"Wh-What?" I stammered after an onrush of air had left my lungs. "For what?" 

_Are you dumb, Yutaka?_

Reita chuckled. "You know for what," he said and put his chopsticks down as he lifted his head, our eyes met. 

"Let's just pretend it never happened, okay? I wasn't myself yesterday and I'm sorry." 

Pretend it never happened? 

 _Sounds good to me._ Even though I had expected him to elaborate more on it. But maybe he wanted to forget, too? 

"Okay. Fine." 

And that was that. 

°°°

I liked to think that the mood between us kept lightening up throughout the day and that was a good thing. Reita had told me about a newly opened music store so we decided to head there in the early afternoon. 

It wasn't as if I needed new drums or Reita a new bass (although he'd probably buy one even without needing it) but it was a nice way for us to spend time together without feeling pressured to ... talk. We engaged each other in small conversations here and there and it made a feeling of ease settle in me. 

Of course there were moments where I was looking at him and wondering how different things would have been if only I had chosen him right from the start. He didn't notice my gaze on him for a very long time which only led me to thinking about it too much. Despite the fact that he was making me laugh and forget about that misery of a love triangle that I was caught in, the confusion about just that didn't fade away. 

I didn't want anything more to happen. Or... maybe I did? Maybe I did in order to finally make up my mind? 

Hell, the mere fact that I felt like I had to make up my mind was problem enough! 

But I kept it to myself. Reita was trying his hardest to keep me cheered up while we visited several other music stores so I couldn't bring myself to let him see how I really felt. 

It was about 4 PM when we decided to make a short stop at a takoyaki stand for a little snack. I had ended up buying a pair of new drumsticks after all, plus new gloves to protect my fingers. Of course I needed neither but Reita had kind of talked me into it. _'Don't buy it 'cause you need it, buy it 'cause it'd make you happy.'_

As expected, he payed for the two small packages and we settled on one of the benches nearby. 

When my phone suddenly began to vibrate, I winced. I hadn't wasted a thought about him the entire day (which was astonishing given the fact I had cheated on him just yesterday) but now that I read his name on the display, I felt terrible. 

"He's going to get suspicious if you don't pick up anytime soon." 

I darted Reita a glance and we frowned at each other. He didn't want me to pick up, I knew that. Fuck. 

Not knowing what came over me, I lifted my thumb and-   
-slid the red button across the screen, sending Aoi straight to voice mail. 

_Fuck, Yutaka._

Reita looked at me as if he'd just seen a ghost. His voice was riddled with disbelief. 

"Did you just- ?"

"Yeah." 

"Did you just hang up on him?" 

"Yeah." 

"I'm- ... Are you okay?" 

And I giggled. 

"I... I guess so?" 

And then he started laughing. It was as if we were suddenly on some kind of drug, because I joined in and we couldn't stop.

"I f'ink you're in'zane," Reita babbled through his stuffed cheeks but it still managed to come across matter-of-factly while pointing his chopsticks at me. 

After going even a step further and putting my phone on complete silent mode, I dug into my portion of takoyaki. 

"I might just be," I hummed in response while chewing on a piece. It wasn't as if I wasn't internally aware of the risk I was taking, Aoi was probably going to freak out because I didn't reply to anything, but this was the first time **_ever_** that I felt like I didn't care. Or at least I cared less. And I wasn't going to let him ruin this. 

_Do you really think you're not going to pay for that?_

_I know I will._

I was sure Reita was just as aware of what it meant as I was but he didn't show me the real extent of how he felt. It was kind of ridiculous anyway, wasn't it? I just hung up on Aoi, it was no big deal.  

We continued to eat in silence until both of our boxes were almost emptied. I think it was more of a calming silence then a worried one. Somehow I had shown that I wasn't going to let Aoi control me that much anymore and I could feel Reita's relief about that. 

"What else do you want to do? Or go somewhere?" he asked after a while, reaching for my box so he could throw both into the trashbin standing next to our bench. 

"Mm, no, not really. I can't think of anything," I replied, "You already made me spend money on things I don't need so- "

"Excuse me?!" he gaped at me in mock shock but his grin was there. We got up and began heading down through the pedestrian area. "Who was the one convincing himself that it was totally fine to buy those drumsticks?" He pointed at the bag I was carrying. 

"Well, that was me but I never would've bought them if you hadn't shown them to me in the first place!" 

"Yutaka, we both know you shit money." 

"Says the one who buys a house for his mom just because he can." 

"Do you hear me complain?" 

"I- "

I closed my mouth again. Damn, he got me there. 

 _Only there?_  

_Tsk._

"Yeah, I thought so," Reita snickered and fished for his car keys once we neared the parking lot he'd parked his Mustang in. "Anyway. What do you want for dinner?" 

°°°

Turned out he didn't have the needed ingredients in order for us to get a proper dinner done. Luckily though, we still had leftovers from yesterday's meal- 

_You know, the one you interrupted by cheating on your boyfriend._

-so we went with those and made ourselves comfortable on the couch afterwards. 

"I have a few movies here in case there's nothing on TV," Reita said as he saw me flipping through the program.

"There's nothing on TV," I answered straight away. 

He giggled and, after sitting down next to me, proceeded to settle two bowls of rice and chicken in his lap. I took the chopsticks he handed me and then also took my bowl into my hands. 

Before he did the same, Reita reached for the remote control and switched through the Pay-TV channels. We didn't find anything interesting there either so we ended up flipping through the movies he stored on his digital harddisk. 

"Oh, have you seen Suicide Squad?" 

"Hm?" I looked up from checking my phone and decided to just ignore the scolding look he gave me for that. "No, I haven't." 

"Let's take that then, okay?" 

I nodded absently, way too busy with scrolling through the list of missed calls. He'd called three more times ever since this afternoon but of course I hadn't heard any of them. Sniffing, I chewed on my rice and chicken and contemplated whether I shouldn't send at least a text after all. 

But Reita leapfrogged me. 

With a dismissive "Tsk" sound, he reached across my lap and yanked the phone out of my hand. "No," he merely said, shaking his head at me as if that single word was supposed to keep me from even thinking about it. 

I sighed and a bitter smile crept onto my lips that I couldn't stop. "Sorry." 

He didn't reply. I was sure there were many things he wanted to say - and do - but he kept them to himself. For now. Apparently he did get fed up with constantly having to teach me a lesson on self-control. 

Once again, we ate in silence, this time mostly because we were both watching the movie. It was entertaining, funny at times but admittedly, I wasn't really paying attention.   
Could you blame me when I was sitting at the same exact spot where we had kissed yesterday? 

By the time we had reached about the middle of the film and still hadn't spoken a word, I ran out of chicken. Fortunately though, Reita had brought along a small plate of tempura so I reached forward to grab a few pieces. He saw me extending a hand and stretched out his own, our fingertips touched. 

_Oh come on._

I felt heat rising into my cheeks. 

"Um, I wanted- " 

"Yeah, I just saw- "

"-just a bit of the- " 

"Tempura?" 

I released the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. "Yup." 

Reita grabbed the plate and held it out me so I could dump a few bits into my bowl. "Here." 

Smiling thankfully, I allowed the silence to settle between us again. And it lasted until the god damn movie was finally over. He stretched his arms above his head, yawning and my gaze was curiously drawn to how the muscles of his arms flexed. Since he was wearing a sleeveless shirt, I had already been granted the full view this entire time anyway. I just noticed only... now. 

Damn, he looked really good, didn't he??

Clearing my throat uncomfortably at my own thought, I began gathering our bowls, chopsticks and the rest of the food we hadn't entirely devoured. 

"Oh no, don't do that," Reita interrupted me and tugged at my shirt. "You don't have to clean up, I can do that tomorrow. Come here." 

He tapped on the spot next to him and although I had the choice (I could've just proceeded to clean up), I put the bowls back down and plonked down beside him. 

And we sat and waited. 

And waited and waited. Until I couldn't bear it anymore because the way the air around us seemed to start prickling didn't feel like just an imagination. 

"Are we going to have another awkward conversation right now?" I asked in a futile attempt to ridicule how serious our situation actually was. 

Reita shrugged, leaning back against the backrest. "No. Unless you want to?"  
I quickly shook my head in response and tugged a leg beneath the other, prompting him to continue so he did.

"I was just thinking, you know, because you're going back home tomorrow." 

 _Oh._  

For the first time today, I felt a sting in my heart. "Yeah. Aoi said he... that they'll be back around eleven in the morning." 

The bassist gulped and when his eyes finally found mine, holding my gaze for all it was worth and with such intensity that it made my skin crawl, I could almost see the sword of Damocles above our heads. It was ready to stab us.

"So I was thinking," he briefly darted a glance to the digital clock at the TV receiver, "how we're going to handle this situation." 

_Fuck Yutaka, he's going to-_

_I know, shut up._

"And?" I whispered questioningly. It was silly but I didn't dare to move. 

"I mean," he continued, "We can just pretend it never happened, if that's what you want. Or we could..." 

I tensed and it got even worse when he looked at me **_like that_** again, even lifted a hand to brush his fingertips along my cheek. I knew exactly where this was going. With how he had dropped his voice and his eyes had something almost sultry-looking to them, there was absolutely no other way. 

"...do something really... really stupid." 

Did I really want it? 

His fingertips turned into fingers and those fingers soon turned into a palm. My eyes fell close as I sighed defeatedly and nestled my cheek to his touch and we both knew I was surrendering at that very moment. 

I seemed to have a weakness for stupid things. 

°°°

The force with which my back hit the bed pressed all air out of my lungs. I would've lost my breath either way, for his lips came crashing down onto mine, claiming them with such power it left my mind numb. 

Flames were blasting up high and I realized that this fire had never really gone out ever since our kiss the night before. It had been simmering right beneath the surface, waiting for the possibility to strike again. 

His body on top of mine was a weight that gently pushed me into the pillows, his lips like syringes spreading his venom across my skin and his hands... 

 ** _God,_** his hands. 

I let it all happen. It needed to happen, didn't it? But more than that, I let it happen and I returned it, everything. My lips were moving just as longingly as his, my body arched towards his touch on my stomach and every groan that came from his throat and hit my neck made me moan just as needily. 

Fuck, I didn't just **_need_** him. 

I **_wanted_** him. 

"Akira..." 

He looked up, his dirty blond hair dishevelled. My cheeks were flushed, I was shaking and clinging to him almost as firmly as we had just kissed. I wanted to say something but what? 

Shaking his head, he smiled. "It's okay," he said, withdrawing entirely but only to brush his shirt over his head. His movements were so smooth, so elegant and controlled as he tossed it aside. 

"Let's just forget he ever happened." 

He sealed our lips again and while my heart beat accelerated more and more, I soon found myself in his arms, half-naked and with my fingers buried in his hair, jeans and t-shirts forgotten somewhere on the floor.  

I felt like I was in a daze. Reita had flipped us over and sat up so I was straddling him and it was already now creating friction in all the **_right_** places. Goosebumps crawled across the skin wherever my fingers caressed his arms or his chest and now that our bodies were so closely pressed against one another, the heat was even more of an incentive. 

"Fuck, I want you." 

It was his voice. Something about his voice that made me lose the last puny bit of self-control I had been able to gather. 

"I want you so bad, Yutaka." 

I cupped his jaw between my palms and kissed him as hard as I could, rocked my hips forward and the low groan of pleasure coming from him as my ass rubbed against his crotch sent a sudden pulse of lust through my body. We were raising hell but we couldn't care less.

"I need you." 

This time it was me who gasped out the words and his grip on my hips intensified instantly. He bit down on my lip, didn't even bother to ask for entrance into my mouth, he just took it. He took what he wanted and he wanted **_me._**  

We were both completely out of breath once he broke away from my kiss. I took the opportunity to climb off of his lap to get rid of the rest of my clothes. For some odd reason, I felt absolutely no shame. I heard him rummaging around in a drawer of the bedside table, probably for lube and a condom, and it made my chest heave even more. 

"Yutaka." 

I turned to look at him over my shoulder and what I saw staggered me. 

He was flawless, dangerously close to a level of perfection that I had, until now, only known from the countless, passion-filled nights I had spent with Aoi.

"Come here," he beckoned me close by holding his hand out to me. His gaze was calmer, as if he knew of the storm raging inside me. And with a smile on my lips, I moved towards him, laced our fingers and allowed him to pull me close. He kissed me again, gently for a change, while his arms sneaked around my waist and his palms pressed to my lower back.

The first sign of impatience after just a few minutes were his hands that slid lower and cupped my buttocks, kneading them while his tongue explored deeply inside my mouth. I was panting, pressing myself against him.

"Akira, please..."

His cock was hard, standing proud against his abdomen and against mine too, because our bodies were **_that_** close.  
He wanted to make me forget and it was working. Carefully, Akira was guiding me to lie down and even though he was well aware that my cheeks were burning like fire by now, he opened my legs without the slightest hesitation.

"Holy shit," he cursed upon the sight of my body presented to him like that (which made me blush even harder) and an ice-cold tickle spread across my skin as he trailed his fingers down the inside of my thighs.

"You're beautiful."

My lower lip began trembling but I managed a smile. "T-Thank you," I muttered breathily.

Without communicating, he understood that I didn't need preparation, didn't want it anyway. I was getting impatient, too.

Silence reigned in the darkness while he opened the condom wrapper, rolled it on and applied a proper layer of the gel-like substance. He poured a small amount over the cleft of my buttocks too and the cold feeling made me wince but when he started pushing into me, I was way too distracted to care, let alone complain.

"Mn, there we go..."

"Ughn..."

I gasped and he bent over me, slipping inside smoothly until his groin was pressed up against me. "Kiss me."

And he did. Hovering above me, his lips molded almost seamlessly with mine, his hips moved, back and forth, temptingly and maddeningly slow.

It felt so god damn good. Why did it feel _**so good?**  
_ And so different from what I was used to. He was panting harshly above me, his breath hit my lips whenever we weren't kissing and once I settled my hands on his shoulder blades, he knew I had adjusted. I was ready for the real deal. 

"Can you relax a bit more because I don't think I can hold back once I've started." 

A trembling exhale left my lips and I did my best to do just that, breathe and relax. Akira pulled out after propping himself up on just one hand, his free hand gripping my hip. I watched breathlessly and his next thrust had me moaning out so loudly that I was afraid even the neighbors might have heard me.

"Aah- fuck!" 

"U-Ughn, you like it?" 

"Haa- aah..."

I wasn't capable of saying anything. His hips snapped forward, he buried himself as deep as possible with every thrust, his pace slow but deliciously hard. 

Every movement caused me to cry out or gasp or groan, his breath on my neck sent shiver after shiver down my spine and all I could think of was that I wanted more. More of him. 

As his free hand travelled down the outside of my thigh and further down to my shin, I was automatically lifting my leg and of course he took it as an invitation to wrap both my legs around his hips. I crossed my ankles and my head fell back with another breathy moan as he began moving faster. We were sweating as if we were really in hell and our wheezed moans and low groans grew into a symphony but our bodies were moving like magnets so there was literally nothing else that mattered right now. 

My arms were hooked around his neck by now and whenever we kissed and our tongues swirled around each other in a hectic dance, I could taste his desperation. He was still trying to convince me after all, trying to get me to let go, wasn't he? 

Could I let go? Fuck, I couldn't even _**think**_ coherently right now. The only thing I felt was him, spreading my muscles, intruding upon me, taking me as if I was _**his**_ entirely and it felt _**so**_ good. But how could it when in reality - in the cruel reality I was going to go back to in less than twelve hours - it was every _**single**_ kind of wrong?

I could tell by the way his thrusts turned erratic and his hand fisted the pillow next to my head that he was already getting closer to the edge with every second that passed and with every moan of mine that encouraged him to give me everything he had, concentrated on one spot that brought the both of us ultimate pleasure.   

"A-Akira," I stammered against his lips pleadingly while my body was rocked back and forth even quicker, "I- Aaah! M-Make me come..." 

The lewd sound of flesh smacking against flesh became just a background noise once a familiar kind of heat began pooling at the pit of my stomach and because it'd been at least a week that Aoi hadn't touched me, it felt unbelievably intense, more than what I could handle. 

"Yutaka... Nngh, fuck!" 

More and more groans fell from Akira's lips until they were nothing but short, broken grunts. I was an open book for him, pleasure pulsing through our veins and lust through our eyes, all of it begging to be released and turning our words into feverish reeling. 

"Hah, haah, aah, I'm- "

"Yutaka, fuck- " 

" _Akira-_ !" 

"Shit- _Uughn!_ " 

Our bodies tensed simultaneously and although I wasn't able to feel him coming inside me, I could definitely sense how strong his orgasm was just by how blissed out his facial expression was. 

But despite that, his hand soon found my cock and I relished in how he began stroking me, tilted my head back with a moan of relief once he'd brought me to the peek. 

His name rolled off my tongue like pure sin, hot and forbidden. 

As he collapsed on top of me, with his lips caressing my throat and my release a white, sticky mess between our bodies, I couldn't - just couldn't - stop a small but genuine smile from curling my lips. I tangled my fingers in the sweaty hair at the back of his nape and for a very long time, there was only the sound of our panting breaths and our heartbeats racing in unison. The air was thick around us, the smell of sex hovering through it. It'd been dark all this time, the only light source the moon outside that sent his rays through the window and the thin curtains in front of it.

By the time Reita heaved his body off of mine and pulled out of me, I was on the verge of crying.   
Was it because I was now realizing the true scale of what I had done? 

I had cheated. Again. And I had liked- no, _**loved**_ it. 

Keeping my eyes closed as I rolled over onto my side was a good idea. The darkness seemed soothing and kept away the images of Aoi's accusing glance that I was most definitely going to be getting tomorrow, no matter whether he ever found out about this or not. 

_He mustn't find out, Yutaka. Ever._

Akira came snuggling up to me from behind after disposing of the condom, and spread the blanket over us before sneaking his arm across my waist to pull me flush against his chest. I don't know if he noticed the sudden uncomfortableness taking hold of me, how I didn't say a single word, but if he did, he wasn't showing it at all. 

"Mm, sleep now, baby," he murmured against my ear before pressing a kiss to the spot. He clearly sounded satisfied and happy. 

I only hummed as an answer and didn't object when he tangled our legs beneath the blanket. Then I fell into a deep but dreamless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter, hehe. You knew it was going to happen, though??  
> I adore Kaita so much but it just doesn't fit in with the way I plotted MOACLL, I don't know what to do with these two, ORZ. Honestly though, what did you guys think of the sex scene? I haven't written a Kaita one in quiiiite a while & I'm a little insecure about it, haha. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are appreciated as always :)  
> \- Nana


	17. Killing the flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mess tbh. This story is a mess by now.

S U N D A Y

There was no place I felt more secure than here. Right here, in his arms, it was as if nothing could touch me.  
No coldness, no violence, no betrayal. All that counted was him, the way he held me as though I was his everything, a treasure and worth more than a million words could say.

And God, did I love him. I shouldn't. But I did. And just as I was everything to him, he was everything to me.

Aoi was more than just a man I'd fallen in love with. He'd **_become_** more than that even though I knew that loving a man like him, especially in our current situation, was dangerous. Insane. I wished I could just walk away. I should. But I couldn't.  
  


°

His chest rose and fell steadily against my back, a fallacious vibe of calmness recumbent in his bedroom.

I blinked my eyes open, aware of the arm he had wrapped possessively over my waist. Exactly like...

I startled up with a gasp, as though waking up from a nightmare. The sudden pain I felt definitely was one, it forced me to groan through gritted teeth and in order to relieve the pressure on my backside, I shifted my weight lightly to my side and propped a hand on the mattress behind me.

Then my eyes began to wander.   
The door stood wide open (understandably what with how we'd stumbled through it last night), clothes lay scattered on the floor around the bed, a bottle of lube dangerously close to falling off the edge of the nightstand it'd been dropped on.  
Hanging on the wall was his cherry-red bass and the mere sight of it made a hard lump of regret form in my throat.

The attempt to swallow it, as I turned my head to look at him, failed. His arm had dropped and was now folded in front of his face. But thank God, he didn't wake up. His sleeping countenance reminded me of Aoi's way too much.

_How could I do this to him?_

_Who do you mean, Yutaka?_

And then it hit me.

It was Sunday. Aoi was back. 10:30.

My head snapped back around and I cursed. 

"Fuck. _**Fuck.**_ "

I couldn't get off this bed quick enough. I pushed the blanket down hurriedly, almost got my legs tangled in it and threatened to crash to the floor but only just managed to keep my balance. 

Stumbling into the bathroom, which how I fortunately knew was right next to the bedroom, I beat the light switch. My reflection stared back at me with shock in its eyes but I didn't pay my face much mind. Instead, I stepped up closer to the mirror. 

_Please tell me he didn't leave marks._

Gathering my hair in one hand and lifting it up, I searched for them, turned my head to be able to examine as much as possible but when I saw that there were absolutely no signs of what we had done on my skin, my muscles relaxed in relief. 

There was nothing on my chest either, nothing on my stomach or my ribs (which were definitely Aoi's territory when it came to hickeys). I even checked the insides of my thighs but the skin there was as flawless as ever.

And I knew I had to leave.

How was I going to explain any of this? It was an easy thing to tiptoe back to the bedroom and gather my clothes but it wasn't that easy when it came to deciding whether I should leave... something like a note or not.   
I was chewing on my lip all while zipping up my jeans and combing fingers through my hair but I didn't get to a conclusion. What was I supposed to write anyway?

_Thanks for the weekend._

_I'm sorry._

Just the mere thought of it made my eyes burn.

_I'm sorry but it will always be him._

I wiped angrily at tears that weren't falling yet and headed into the hallway, slipping into my jacket.

I was regretting it. I was regretting it _**so much,**_ but not because I knew what was waiting for me at home and also not because I felt like it had changed nothing and I was going back to this life of misery I'd been leading.

No, I regretted it because this night had cruelly proven how close I was to giving up on Aoi. And I didn't want to give up yet, I realized as the door to Reita's apartment fell close behind me.

He was still there, my Aoi was still in there somewhere, inside this cold, abusive cage. He had to be.

Upon sliding into the driver's seat, I released a long exhale and thought it was the right time to check up on the messages and missed calls my phone was undoubtedly holding in store for me. I rummaged through the bag I'd brought with me and the notifications on the display definitely made my stomach churn in a very uncomfortable way.  
  


23 missed calls, 17 text messages and 5 calls on the voice mail, all from Aoi.  
  


I could tell how much angrier he'd gotten from one message to the next, with the calls mixed in between. The last one was from just three minutes ago.

And then there was Uruha's chat. The little LINE notification bar showed 5 unread messages. What could he possibly...? I gulped as I opened them.   
The first one was from yesterday and judging by the time stamp it'd been prior to me hanging up on Aoi during lunch.  
  


_Do us all a favor and pick up Yutaka, he's getting so fucking pissed right now._   
  


Ah, and then...  
  


_You fucking hUNG UP ON HIM. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND??_   
  


It almost made me laugh out loud. Apparently Aoi hadn't bothered hiding his anger about my behavior. Between this message and the third one was a big gap time-wise but I assumed it'd been after Reita had snatched my phone away during dinner.   
  


_Damn please don't tell me you're doing what I think you're doing. I know how tempted you are but please don't do it man, you're going to regret it so bad_   
  


And because I hadn't replied, the forth message had come just ten minutes later.   
  


_Fuck, Yutaka. FUCK_   
  


This time, I didn't feel like laughing. I was biting my lip so hard I was convinced the skin was going to break and my eyes began watering. It was so easy to read between the lines now.

Uruha knew. He had always known. He knew **_everything._**  

_'Fuck' doesn't even begin to cover it._   
  


_°_

The black Audi stood like abad omen in front of my house. I could already feel a really intense headache approaching as I turned into the parking space in front of the garage.   
I had failed at coming up with an explanation that was less than unbelievable. But could I really go for the truth? He would know instantly, wouldn't he? Would he hit me again?

_How on earth do you still love this man, Yutaka?_

_I just do._

My fingers were shaking, just lightly but enough to be visible, as I unlocked the front door. It was silent inside. Too silent.

I entered with small steps and carefully closed the door with a soft click. I was really expecting Aoi to react to the noise but there was nothing, not even when I shrugged off my jacket and toed off my shoes. It was uncanny. 

But I wasn't going to be dumb and call for him either. I wasn't going to risk anything if I didn't have to. 

_The mere fact that you're thinking like that should make you worry._

Gulping, I made my way to the kitchen and released a small, relieved breath as I found it empty. After throwing a brief glance back at the hallway - still nothing - I headed for the fridge to take out a bottle of water and ingredients to make a quick breakfast. 

I was just going to start hoping that maybe Aoi wasn't at home after all, had been picked up by someone else but that hope bursted like a soap bubble once I turned back around. 

His tall figure stood leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed in front of his chest and the deep black of his eyes seemed so full of grudge that it had me momentarily freezing right there on the spot. It didn't help that he had his head cocked to the side slightly, as if in curiosity. 

My chest tightened and made it difficult for me to clear my throat but I managed. "Um... hi. I didn't he- " 

"Where have you been?" 

His voice was as cold as I'd expected, cold like the arctic sea. 

There was no way I could escape from it now and my brain was frantically trying to come up with an explanation, an excuse, anything that would at least save me from having to tell the truth. But my mind was blank and I knew that the longer I stayed silent, the more suspicious he would become. 

I gulped and risked to turn my back on him. "With Reita," I said and it sounded so casual as if I wasn't just putting myself in the greatest danger. 

It was almost as if I could **_hear_** his body tense and if that wasn't already the moment that my hands really started shaking, it happened at the latest when his footsteps resounded behind me. 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Aoi barked, reaching for my wrist and making me gasp at the whole process that it took to force me around and against the counter behind me. His other hand was already up in the air and I winced back.

"I'm gone for a weekend and the first thing you do is run to the guy who wants to fuck you?!" 

The hit didn't come, though. My throat felt terribly constricted for a second and his tight grip only made matters worse. I struggled against him but it was worthless. 

"Do you really think I didn't notice, Yutaka? Do you really think I'm that dumb?!"

Rage confronted me as my eyes fluttered upwards to meet his. Nothing was left of my previous plans to stand up against him as much as I could. I was rendered speechless merely by how he was glaring down at me. 

"Wh-what?" I cheeped and it made him snort, his hold on me tightened. 

"Don't act so stupid, for fuck's sake. Even a blind man could recognize the way he looks at you every time you walk past him!" 

Fuck, this didn't go the way I planned. There was no space left for me to move backward or to the sides and Aoi's aura began to intimidate me. 

"I- ... I didn't- " 

_Ha, no, there's no way you can pretend to not have known, Yutaka._

"A-Aoi, I know, b-but- " 

"You **_know?!_** _ **"**_ he chopped off my phrase, fitfully released my arm and whirled around, as though he couldn't stand looking at me anymore but then quickly turned back around again, roughing a hand through his raven locks. 

"You _**know**_ what he wants from you and yet you spend an entire weekend with him?! That you even dare say that to my face!" 

God, I had expected him to be angry but he wasn't just that. He was livid and I knew that when he was livid, he was dangerous. More than usual.

"Aoi please, let me explain, I- " 

"Oh shut up." 

But then, as I did, there was suddenly something entirely different flashing across his face and it struck a nerve in me. 

There was hurt in his expression. Disappointment in his eyes. Anguish, almost. And it made me realize that, even though he had always known and understood that I didn't "approve" (not exactly) of his agressions and mood swings, he would've never _**ever**_ expected me to cheat. He'd thought I loved him enough. I **_did_** but...

I averted my gaze. Feeling guilty was wrong, I knew. **_His_** words and **_his_** actions had driven me into Reita's arms. And yet here I was, trying to forget about it, trying to... not lose the man I really loved. And if it meant lying.

"Aoi...," my voice was nothing but a huff of breath, "I promise... T-There was nothing."

Silently, I watched how he didn't react. I didn't dare to move although I could have. Aoi stood with his hands braced on the backrest of one of the kitchen chairs so there was now plenty of space for me to move but I was paralyzed. He knew I was lying, didn't he? He knew that I had-

"I believe you."

My eyebrows shot up but I was quick enough at wiping the surprised expression off my face with the blink of an eye.

_Almost gave yourself away, huh._

I gulped and hesitantly took a step towards him. Like magnets we moved, Aoi pushing himself away from the chair and turning to face me. It was impossible to figure out if he really believed it. Maybe he was just playing his tricks with me? Maybe he was just waiting for my shoulders to relax in relief.

I didn't let them. Only my lips curled into a small smile but even that wasn't really convincing and I was afraid Aoi wasn't going to buy it. But if he did, which it looked like, I obviously wasn't going to stop him. 

"I mean, I think you're clever," he continued and backed me up against the kitchen counter again, casually trapping me. "Clever enough to know that..." 

Leaving the end of his phrase hanging in the air, Aoi lifted his hand and my eyes followed attentively as it made its way to my chest. I tensed. What was he doing?   
The palm pressing to my collarbone tentatively caressed upwards and the moment that it found my throat was the moment that the atmosphere between us changed once more. What-

His eyes had faded into an even darker brown, focused on how he, gently but with accented pressure, wrapped his fingers around my neck. It was nothing else but fear that coaxed me into leaning my head back slightly and made my hands tremble again, so much in fact that I grabbed for the edge of the counter beside me just in order to not let him see it. I hadn't expected him to finish his sentence either but he did. His voice was serene but the real threat lay in how pernicious his words were. 

"...if anybody, who is not me, were to touch you... Well, I might just have to kill someone, you know." 

I exhaled a gasped breath. Whatever it was that was going on inside his brain, I was unable to judge how much of it he really meant or if he wasn't just hopelessly blinded by his jealousy. But I knew I couldn't take it lightly either way. I waited until our eyes met before I began nodding. Getting him more upset was the least thing I could aim for. 

"Okay," was all I whispered in response and with a deep glance into his eyes while I carefully placed my hand atop his. Slowly but surely I began squeezing my fingers between his and my neck, loosening his grip, "It's okay, Aoi. I love you, and only you. You know I do." 

He continued looking at me, as though he was weighing the truth content of my words but after a few long seconds, he finally let out a rush of air and dropped his hand.  

This time, I allowed myself to look relieved. He didn't let me go just yet but the way he pulled me closer now, almost tenderly, led me to believe that the worst part was over. I let him guide me into his arms until our bodies and foreheads were pressed together.

"You're mine," he muttered, more to himself.

God, I hated these mood swings. How could he go from such a hateful and unpredictable person to someone whose touch made me melt with affection? I hated him for that. I hated him for his embrace, for his kiss, for how he burned his words into my soul.

"You're mine. **_You're mine."_**

_Let me go, Yuu. Please, I won't make it on my own._   
  


°

He had definitely expected to wake up alone and yet the feeling it carried was worse than he'd thought. It hurt more, as much as he didn't want to admit it.

When Reita got up and trudged from bed- to bathroom while combing a hand through his hair, he lightly touched his neck, still reminiscent of where Kai's lips had pressed to during last night. He could still feel his fingertips tingle with how desperately he'd held Kai's body that had trembled in his hands, how it had moved against his every thrust and above all, his ears were still ringing with the sound of his name being moaned into the darkness.

"Fucking hell," he cursed to himself and settled for just a quick splash of water across his face. The cold was enough to wake him up properly but not nearly what he really needed. His head was buzzing like it would after a glass or three too much but Reita was pretty sure he hadn't gotten drunk on _**alcohol**_ yesterday.

Except for the food still standing on the glas table in the living room, his apartment looked the absolute fucking same without any trace that Kai had even been here in the first place. It looked like last night, the entire weekend, had never even happened and Reita couldn't quite stop himself from thinking that that was most likely what Kai wanted. Of course he did. It wasn't like Kai loved him. It'd just been an escape. 

Reita ended up getting a cigarette for breakfast as he honestly didn't have any appetite. His thoughts kept creeping up on, sending him flashbacks of what they had done and it made it more than obvious that he wasn't going to be capable of forgetting. 

Damn, he had to talk to someone. Uruha? Probably not the best choice considering the guy was his best friend and probably only going to deliver him a lecture on the morals he was apparently lacking. Nah, he didn't exactly feel like having that. So the only one left was...

With his stick stuck between his lips, he made his way from living room back to the bedroom and while trying to ignore the rumpled bedding Kai had left, grabbed his phone from the nightstand. 

It took ages until Ruki picked up the phone. He most likely did that on purpose, though. Reita couldn't deny that the overall situation had to have gotten a little annoying for the vocalist by now.   
  


"Morning," it eventually came mumbled from the other end of the line. 

"Morning," Reita mumbled back and plonked down on the edge of the bed, "Am I disturbing?"

"No, you're fine, I've been home for a while because they dropped me off first. What's up?"

"Yeah, um, well..." 

Fuck, how was he supposed to approach it? _Kai and I had sex and now he's probably in for a beating._ The easiest but admittedly not most comfortable way.

"I did... a thing." 

Not very precise either but Ruki was probably going to get it anyway. Reita was sure he did, judging from the short moment of silence that followed before he heard a frustrated sigh. 

"Is this about Kai again?" Ruki asked with an irritated voice, "Akira, how many times do I have to tell you- " 

"I know!" the bassist cut him off quickly, "I know. It's just that... this time, it's really... bad." 

"I don't care." 

Reita frowned. Was Ruki really already _**that**_ fed up with the topic?   
  


"Look, I know I've been annoying you- " 

"Yes, you have indeed," Ruki _**snapped**_ at him in response and it was at that point that Reita really regretted calling him. But he wasn't prepared for the tantrum that the vocalist was going to throw in just a few seconds. 

"Listen, Suzuki, I am sick and tired of hearing your endless complaints. _Sick and tired. Y_ ou're nothing but a heart-broken little boy who can't get over the fact that the guy he loves doesn't want him, do you hear me, he doesn't _want_ you. He will _never_ want you, it will always be Aoi for him. And why on earth do you _always call_ _me?!_ Why me?! Why don't you call your best friend who doesn't care if you're annoying him? I don't want to hear it anymore, Akira, I don't! If you need someone to whine over Kai to, don't fucking call me anymore, I'm done!" 

And with those words, he hung up. Leaving Reita dumbfounded, with no time to explain or apologize. 

Alright, he had expected him to be on edge but for it to be  _ **this**_ bad? It was honestly a bit of a shock. 

Staring at his phone and the constant _toot_ coming from its speakers, Reita felt like the mess that was this situation he'd gotten himself into was coming crushing down on him all at once. Kai was upset because of what they had done, Aoi was most definitely livid and Ruki was harbouring a grudge against him that had to have more than this one root. 

What the fuck was going on with him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Aoi's turning into a psychopath and I have no idea how that happened. Ruki finally let off some steam and Reita is just being the usual, lil dummy. He thought having this one night with Kai would change things but he doesn't understand that everything is way more profound for Kai than it is for him. He'll understand soon though :) Hope you enjoyed :)


	18. Growing fear.

T U E S D A Y

_"Who the fuck do you think you are?? Do you think I'll just let you get away like this?!"_

_"A-Aoi, please, I didn't mean- "_

_"Oh of course you didn't mean it, your legs opened by accident, Yutaka! Cut the crap."_  

 _"It_ _**was** _ _an accident, I didn't want- "_

_"Shut up! I've been loving you for years and you go ahead and let my best friend fuck you?! You think I'm just going to take this??"_

_"Aoi... P-Put the knife down, okay? Let me- "_

_"No, I won't let you. I've been letting you for far too long. You know what, Yutaka?"_

_"Aoi, please!"_

_"I'm going to make your life a living hell."_

I startled awake, gasping for breath, but I didn't scream. I sensed every bead of sweat that trickled down my temple, could almost grasp every heavy exhale my chest was heaving with beneath the blanket. All I saw was black, the window black, the walls black, the ceiling black. An all consuming black that I was begging to swallow me and never spit me out again. 

But of course it didn't grant me that wish.

My nightmares had never been a nice thing. I remembered when I used to be getting them during high school, caused by every howsoever small thing that tended to upset me. I'd been free of them for over twenty years now. Until yesterday. 

Groaning, I rubbed my palm across the tensed muscles at the back of my neck. I conceived the bad suspicion that I wasn't going to be able to get rid of these dreams anytime soon. Once stuck with them, it took more than just a few hours of walking in clean air, sleeping pills or distance from what had caused them. 

My nightmares were my body's way of telling me that it was high time. And I knew. 

°°

T H U R S D A Y 

Things began to change from that day on. Despite everything that had happened, I was very well aware that I couldn't risk getting the band and its activities affected. Even Aoi knew that. _Even Aoi_ acted like he was the happiest man on the planet, made coffee for everyone and bought lunch to eat in the studio. It was absolutely absurd how hard he was trying to not let anyone notice how close to breaking apart we were. 

In addition, Ruki was being extra snappish with me for reasons I couldn't explain. He was fretting over the way I recorded the drum solo we had spoken about a hundred times before, barked at me for asking about a mistake in the guitar parts and he just generally seemed very, very on edge. I had no idea why. Maybe he was having a hard time coming up with lyrics? Some kind of artistic burn-out or something? Or was he part of... whatever was going on? After I had realized that even Uruha knew about the love triangle I was caught up in, it wasn't too far fetched that Ruki knew too, right? But I couldn't be certain.

Either way, it only coaxed me into shutting myself off of the group even more. I wasn't being myself. When had I ever been? I kept spacing out into myriads of flashbacks of Reita's body on top of mine mixed with the expression of hurt on Aoi's face, kept wincing whenever someone slammed a door shut and my vocabulary of the day consisted of "Hm?"s, "Excuse me?"s and "Oh"s more than anything. 

Aoi didn't care at all. He was smiling and grinning and laughing as if he'd just won the lottery, though I did notice that most of the time he was addressing Uruha who played along clearly for the sake of keeping up appearances. 

I saw the glances the blond guitarist kept throwing my way the entire time throughout rehearsal and they were ranging all the way from _You're so god damn stupid_ over _What're you gonna do_ to _I'm so sorry, Yutaka._  
To my own, very big surprise though, it was Ruki who pulled me aside during our brief smoke break that I had, initially, planned to spend in the restroom. Our vocalist thwarted those plans my grabbing my elbow and dragging me down the hallway until we had reached the area accommodating a few small sofas and a water and soda dispenser. I could tell he was disgruntled, looked rather worried as well, so I was letting it happen and only broke free from his grip once his own steps had come to a stop. 

"We need to talk about whatever the fuck is going on, Kai. You guys can't keep faking your happy faces to all of us." 

And it wasn't as if I didn't appreciate his concern. I did. However, what I didn't understand was why exactly Ruki was getting himself involved in this. Had I been right with my suspicion and he _did_ know? 

"I'm not faking anything," I spat at him, "Why are you even caring? You shouldn't be getting involved in any of this, Taka." 

"No, I shouldn't," he snapped back instantly, now clearly more angry than worried as he poked his finger against my chest over and over again, "I shouldn't be getting involved in your crap but I have to because none of your stupid asses seem to realize that whatever is happening between you, Rei and Aoi is putting the **_entire_** band at risk." 

Admittedly, I felt a little more than taken aback. With gritted teeth, I averted my eyes to the side. Now I could at least be certain that Ruki did know something, I just couldn't figure out how much. Had he talked to Uruha? Did he know about Aoi's troubles? Did he know that Reita and I...?

"I know better than to pull the band into my private issues, trust me," I pressed out reluctantly but the first thing I got in response was Ruki scoffing like he didn't believe a word I was saying. That obviously was the case for the next thing coming out of his mouth caught me entirely off guard. 

"Well you're fucking half the band so... you sure?" 

My mouth fell open in disbelief. Pretty sure my facial expression fell too but it didn't seem as if Ruki cared. His features were hardened, his arms crossed in front of his chest and if I hadn't known better, I would've mistaken the look in his eyes for hate. 

_So he knows. How does he know??_

"How do you- " I was just starting to demand when Ruki chopped my phrase _right_ off and revealed to me that I had fallen _right_ into his trap. His eyebrows were lifted with an expression on his face that almost reminded me of... digust.  

"I didn't. Until two seconds ago." 

 _Fuck._ _**Fuck.** _

I felt adrenaline rushing through my veins, how my mind was frantically trying to come up with any kind of explanation, something to let him know that it had all been an accident, _a mistake_ but apparently Ruki didn't feel like letting me get a chance to speak. As if in defense, the singer lifted his hand and waved me off. 

"Shut it. I don't want to hear it, Kai, I've heard enough. Just- " 

Why did he look so hurt all of a sudden? It seemed to me Ruki didn't have control over his countenance anymore and now he looked like he was going to burst into tears any second, 

"-know this, I care about Akira just as much as he cares about you so don't you dare screw this up. Or I will personally ram your drumstick so far up your ass that you can scratch your neck from the inside." 

And with those words and the most _sugar_ sweet smile, he twirled around and stalked down the hallway back to the studio. 

I was utterly flabbergasted, all dressed up and with nowhere to go. He'd heard enough? What did he mean by that? 

Sadly, I just didn't have the time to think about it further.  Uruha's head came popping out of the doorway and he frowned once his eyes fell upon my oh so lonely frame. 

"You ok?" he called out and it almost made me laugh aloud as he pointed back to where Ruki had probably just rushed past him into the room, "Ruki just..."  

_What kind of question is that?_

I scoffed before heading over to him and where he most likely thought I was finally going to give him the great explanations everyone was waiting for, I merely ditched him with an indifferent "Don't." 

The mood after we picked rehearsal back up was accordingly ... stiff. We did our best, of course, since we knew we had to work together for the upcoming shows but the fact that everyone tried to leave the building as quick as possible after we were finished said more than enough. 

After I had lifted two of the three drums that I had brought over to try out into the trunk of my car, I sighed and wiped the back of my hand over my forehead. The coming days were going to be rough ones. 

Surprise hit me for what may have been a millisecond when arms came sneaking around my waist but it subsided as soon as Aoi's body was pressed against mine and his lips were beneath my ear. 

"I'm coming over tonight, okay?" he purred while trailing his palms across the sides of my body. He was very well aware of how it turned my breathing into a stuttering mess. Why was he still putting up a show? There was no one else here anymore.  
Him coming over didn't fit into my schedule, at all. Not when I had called friends this morning in hopes of maybe having one evening spent not worrying about all of this. 

"Tonight is kind of... bad timing," I replied slowly, trying not to get too focused on the feeling of Aoi's lips on my neck, "I was planning on meeting a couple of frie- " 

"Oh come on, it's only Eight," he interrupted and gave me one of those pouting faces once I had stepped away to heave the third drum up into the car. Aoi didn't let me get to it though, instead yanked me close again, against his chest this time. 

_God damn it, don't do this, don't do it._

"It's been a while since I've last had you, you know..." 

And only God knew how much I despised myself for shivering at his husky voice, for blushing beneath his smouldering eyes, for threatening to melt right then and there on this damn parking lot. Naturally, it was true. It had been a while since we had been intimate with _each other_ and I couldn't exactly blame him for wanting it but I also didn't have to agree to it, did I? 

Though now that we were standing the closest we had been for quite some time, I could feel the muscles of his chest beneath my palms, his breath on my cheek, his scent, the way he held me... God, _I still loved him._  

But not like this. Sex wasn't going to be a solution. 

"Well I-I don't want you to have me, Aoi," I eventually hemmed and hawed, watching the usual thing happen. 

_How sad for you to say that._

Aoi's face petrified into a mask of resentment and his arms around me dropped. A very irritated sounding sigh left his lips as he stepped back, briefly glancing at the sky. 

"It's gonna rain," he said before nodding at the last drum on the ground, "hurry up." 

Then he left.

°°

The Audi was there when I arrived. Of course, Aoi didn't care for whether I had time for him or not.

I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing when I entered the house. Aoi was _cooking._

He had heard me though, right? Or was he just blatantly ignoring the fact that I had _told_ him I had other plans? 

_Yeah, probably that._

It made me angry. It made me... almost livid. I was so _fed up_ with his bullshit. I didn't want to spend the evening with him, I _didn't._ I had told him. And yet here he was, pretending Mac'N'Cheese were going to make anything better. 

After tossing my jacket at the coat rack rather violently, I stomped down the hallway, purposely ignoring the sight of Aoi turning around in the corner of my eyes. I still had an entire hour left until the meeting but there was no way I was going to stay beneath the same roof as him. 

The images of my nightmare came rushing back into my mind and I quickly shook my head to get rid of them. I couldn't allow myself to get too caught up in the violent future they had predicted. 

It was only the shirt and cardigan that I changed before I was already heading back outside. He had seen me and I knew but it wasn't until I was _just_ about to push down the doorhandle that I heard his voice at last.

"Where are you going?"

I kept my gaze stubbornly fixed on the wooden door and gulped. 

"Meet some friends." 

In my mind's eye, I could see the frown appearing on his forehead and as expected, it was there and audible in his voice. 

"Which friends?" 

_You've got to be kidding me._

"Just... friends, Aoi." 

"You didn't tell me you wanted to go out tonight."

_I- What?_

 He couldn't be serious, he couldn't. Yet, when I turned around to give him an unintelligible look, he had his arms crossed in front of his chest and his countenance was very much an accusing one. His audacity amazed me.  

"I did," I spat through gritted teeth before facing the door again, "You just chose not to hear it." 

Then I pushed down the handle and pushed the door ajar. I was ready, I was so ready to just walk out and watch his face drop in shock but-

"Close the door." 

_Just fight back, Yutaka, you're so close to making it._

"Aoi- "

"I said, close the door. I want you to stay at home tonight." 

My hands curled into fists. _How dare you?_ This wasn't even his home, it was _my_ house and he tried to order me not to leave it?  

I felt so torn inside. This was the first time that I _really_ stood up against him, or was at least trying to, and still there was an unmistakeable fear making my skin crawl in the most disgusting of ways. Why could I not just walk out? What was holding me back? The notion of what he would possibly do to me if I did? Of what he'd do when I came back? 

My mouth and lips felt paralyzed, without sensation. I was unable to get them to form a proper response and Aoi was clearly beginning to get indignant about it. There was a threat in his tone. 

"Yutaka." 

_I promise it's going to be the end of you if you don't walk out right now._

"But- " 

"Close the fucking door. Now." 

Trepidation was freezing my muscles. Aoi's aura behind me was like an intimidating shadow that towered above me and it was pressing down on my shoulders, pressing and pressing until I was forced to the floor. Until I was forced to surrender to him.

I closed the door. 

My heart was racing like a bullet train and I was hardly able to suppress the sob crawling up my constricted throat. I'd lost, again. I was so tired of losing, I just wanted to be strong enough to win already! 

"Come here." 

Starting from there, everything passed on autopilot, me fighting my way back over to him, him hugging me, his lips atop my head, his arms around me and the way he whispered an I love you against my mouth after kissing it.

"I love you, too." 

Even that. 

  If he noticed the way I had stiffened or the monotonous, absent tone my voice had drifted into, he didn't let it show. Of course he didn't because Aoi always acted as if the things that displeased him merely didn't exist. 

"Do you?" he asked and tightened his embrace, like a warning for me not to utter a wrong word. 

"Of course I do." 

_The truth is... I don't know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who here has been around long enough to witness MOACLL's prologue finally making its great entrance? xD  
> I hope you guys enjoyed this new chapter :) And I hope you see the development for Kai here. I know it's super slowly coming along but that's how I suppose it'd be in real life. You can't just cut someone off as easily like that when they have influence on you in so many ways like Aoi has it on Kai here. But what I meant to say is that Kai now, as opposed to the beginning of MOACLL, has the guts to speak out. Which I think is a development worth noticing :) 
> 
> Anyway xD Thanks for reading! <3


	19. First threat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reita's on a bit of a collision course.

_The mattress beside me dipped, indicating that Aoi had returned from cleaning himself and our mess up._

_"I meant what I said earlier, you know."_

_My eyelids fluttered open at both Aoi's voice and his fingertips that brushed the sweaty tips of my hair aside before his lips came to press a cold, lingering kiss against my shoulder._

_A shiver trickled down my back where his palm caressed and I couldn't bring myself to look at him, was it for the fact that I didn't know what to say or because I slept with him despite my previous conviction that sex was no solution, I didn't know._

_Obviously, it was anything **but** a solution and I had only ended up betraying myself **again.**_

_"What did you say?" I murmured dumbly and felt Aoi's tongue leave my skin immediately as if the discovery that I had dared to forget his words had burned him._

_"That I love you."_

_Oh, that._

_I managed to smile, if ony to myself and with a robotic feeling to it._

_"I know that you love me, Aoi. I have no reason to doubt you."_

_A hand forced its way into my field of vision and the hold it took of my chin forced me to loosen the embrace around my knees. Aoi turned my head so we were face to face, not-so-hidden despair looking straight at glaring, after-sex smugness._

_We stared at each other in silence for what might have been twenty seconds, trying to figure out each other's minds it seemed, until Aoi scoffed and jerked his hand away, making me wince._

_"I don't believe you," he shook his head and turned his back on me, lying down._

_I blinked at the crop of messy, black hair beside me, not knowing what to say or even do. He didn't believe ... that I believed him?  What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

_Did I believe him, however, was the better (less cryptic) question._

_I wanted to, that was for sure, I wanted to believe that he still loved me, that maybe everything that had happened was just proof of how he loved me **too much.**  _

_But I ended up turning my back on him as well, silently and I knew that me not trying to justify myself and make him believe me told him more than enough._

_The last thing I wondered before I drifted off to sleep was how long it was going to take now u_ _ntil Aoi began taking out his anger on another certain someone._

 

F R I D A Y  
 

"Hey Kai, wanna grab coffee for everyone?"

"Oh, uh... actually I wanted to use the break to work on the solo a bit more, sorry." 

"Oh... okay."  
 

I fought with the lump in my throat that grew bigger and bigger with every meter that I watched Reita walking off, only managing to swallow it down once he'd disappeared around the corner. Fuck. About a week had passed and I hadn't talked a single word with him ever since that night, until now. I knew that he was aware of how I felt about it, regardless of or maybe just because I hadn't even left a note in the morning.

He was probably trying to make our interactions seem 'normal' (whatever the hell that meant), putting on a show while the others were around in the studio which seemed rather ridiculous in my mind, considering that Uruha definitely knew **everything** and Ruki, I was sure, knew **something.** The four of us were feigning normality merely for Aoi's sake. Nevertheless, with his words still right at the back of my mind... 

_I don't believe you._

I wasn't so sure if he wasn't aware of it after all; and that uncertainty had kept me right at the edge of my seat for the entire day. The tension was tangible whenever Aoi and Reita were so much as in the same room, Uruha throwing his best friend warning glances and dodging Aoi's to a point where it was painfully obvious. 

When rehearsal break finally rolled around and all of the studio staff were either too lazy or too busy to fetch us a second round of coffee, I quickly decided to volunteer in hopes that some fresh air would help me stir the cluttered thoughts in my head apart. Waving my purse, I fetched my coat and headed outside, instantly pulling the collar higher up once the biting cold hit my face.

  
  
"I'm going for a smoke," Reita stated into the silence upstairs and if Uruha could've, he would've facepalmed himself **and** Akira, extra hard. Was he doing this on purpose?!

The random jingling Aoi was producing on his guitar at the other end of the table was abruptly interrupted by a crooked tone that shot through Uruha, like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, a not-so-subtle indicator that Aoi had, of course, heard those words. To Uruha's surprise though, the raven didn't act on it. He had half expected him to jump up and finally give Reita that fist to his jaw but he didn't even look up. Uruha didn't know if he was supposed to be relieved by that or just more worried. With concerned eyes, he watched the bassist leave, watched his co-guitarist's jaw tensing and their vocalist's face falter in distress. 

  
  
"Fuck, I hate win- "

"Yutaka!" 

I stopped dead, my eyes widening for a brief second before I turned around to face him, clad in a thin leather jacket. Reita had caught me just a few steps out of the parking lot. I gulped, my glance warily flickering up to the studio windows and back down. 

 _You should've known that he wasn't going to give up so quickly._  

"What?" I asked grudgingly, already turning halfway around but Reita wasn't having it. 

"Can't we talk about what happened?" he interrupted any of my intended movements, bridging the one step I had taken backwards, "It's been a week and you haven't called me once. I thought we- "

"You thought we _what?"_

It was with lifted eyebrows that I glanced at him and seeing him recoil at the harsh tone of my voice shot a pang of pain through my heart. I didn't want to hurt him. But him thinking we had any kind of future together was the last thing I needed.

Reita swallowed and his face gave the impression that he didn't know whether to reply with a plea or a retort. What he did say in the end was a bit of both.

"I don't know, I thought we might want to talk about the fact that we _slept together,_ " he lowered his voice, as if afraid Aoi was going to hear us over the hundred meters beeline. 

Hearing him say it was like a slap in the face, like a confirmation that I hadn't just imagined it and that me acting like it never happened wasn't going to undo it. My deprecating stance began crumbling and I gritted my teeth, taking another step back. 

This time, he didn't follow. 

"There's nothing to talk about, Akira, you...," I inhaled, "You know how I feel. It was- "

"Don't say it," he cut me off, his voice heightening in intensity again and he pointed his finger at me. He was growing angry I could tell, though there was a whole lot frustration and hurt mashed into it,"Because I won't believe you, Yutaka. I don't want to believe it was a m- "

"Of course you don't because you love me!" 

"I do!" 

We stared, frozen in place with heaving chests and little clouds of breath ascending between us. His countenance softened and he shook his head, shrugging with a heartbreakingly helpless gaze. 

"I do," he repeated, "And I know that you don't love me, Yutaka, I _know._ But you _enjoyed_ it and we both know that and I refuse to let you go like this."

God, why was he making it so hard for the both of us?

I sniffed. My chest already felt _so_ tight and my eyes were burning but I didn't want to give in that easily. Why was everyone thinking they were entitled to **having** me?? Did he not care about how I feeled about all of this? Did he not care that I was utterly **terrified** of losing Aoi? That he'd only had me when I was at my weakest? It wasn't fair. 

"You'll have to," I managed to press out, talking with my back already half turned on him again and hurriedly before the flood in my eyes could overspill, "And now go back, _please._ He'll notice."

With that, I turned completely and left him to stare after me. 

 

***

Aoi smiled at the scene playing before him. Seeing Reita fail at concentrating on the notes in front of him was absolutely delightful. Obviously, Aoi wasn't as dumb as the bassist seemed to think he was. 'Going for a smoke.' Ha. 

He snorted, almost in amusement. Yeah, he would **almost** find it funny how Reita wasn't even trying to hide how desperate he was for Kai's acknowledgement. **Almost,** if it hadn't been for the fact that Kai was **his** and lately... Reita had ventured into **very** dangerous realms. The bastard could consider himself lucky that Aoi hadn't jumped right at his throat earlier in the day when he'd gotten up with that trite excuse of his. Aoi had decided to save himself the opportunity for later; which was now. 

It had reached way past 10pm as they wrapped everything up, Aoi purposely staying behind until at least Kai and Uruha had left. Ruki was still rattling around somewhere in the building, something about a phrase or lyrics he couldn't get out of his head and had to finish before he took the next bus home. Good for him.   
Taking a deep drag of his cigarette, Aoi looked up from where he'd been leaning against his car, the sound of a door opening and closing having piqued his attention. Reita was just pulling up the zipper of his jacket, then their eyes met and the blond stopped midway while reaching for his motorcycle helmet that he'd placed on the bench beside the exit. Reita averted his gaze quickly, as though he'd been caught (how ironic), proceeding to grab his helmet and head for his bike as if his co-member hadn't just sent him a very evident death glare.

The corners of Aoi's lips twitched and he flicked the ash off his cigarette. 

"Akira?" he raised his voice, pushing his body away from the Audi and turning around to watch how Reita, conspicuously slowly, put the helmet down on the seat of his motorcycle. Oh, the bastard knew what was coming, he knew all too well.

"Yes, Yuu?" Reita turned and the look in his eyes was so empty Aoi little short of chuckled. Reita was trying so hard to seem indifferent, like none of this had anything to do with him and he was above it all, but Aoi could look behind it. He saw the hatred buried beneath Reita's arrogance, even from three empty parking spaces away. 

"Keep your fingers off him."

Reita's eyelids flickered at the unmistakeable warning and his throat bobbed in a swallow.

"I haven't done anything," he said and placed a hand on top his helmet, ready to pick it up. Aoi was amazed at his audacity. Then again, he probably shouldn't have been surprised by how easy it was for Reita to lie straight into his face like this, given the fact he was lying to everyone else as well.  

Aoi tossed his cigarette away and stepped it out into the dirty ground, the central locking of his car beeping. 

"Just a heads-up," he smiled sweetly but his voice was dripping with venom, "I don't want to get my hands dirty just because I happened to witness you touching him, you know."

That hit home.

Reita gasped and he stepped forward, shaking his head with disbelief written all over his dumb, boyish face.

"Aoi, if you think I don't get what you're doing right now- "

"Ha!" Aoi laughed dryly, opening the driver's door, "Of course you know what I'm doing, idiot, **I** know very well what I'm doing. It's just that your feelings seem to have confused you a little so I thought I'd just remind you that ... you may have fucked him but the ring on his finger is still mine. And it's going to stay that way."

He got inside and slammed the door close again, gunning the engine before he drove off. 

  
Halfway across the city and with his friend's aghast face **still** burned into his eyelids, the grip on his steering wheel wasn't the only thing that convulsed painfully. Aoi cursed the heart in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am.. so sorry for the long wait. I've been through a bit of stuff lately but recently received a nice comment on MOACLL and it helped me pick this up again! This chapter is for "Kai" who left the lovely comment :) I hope you enjoyed even though it's a little short. (As much as you can enjoy a story like this i guess, haha xD) Thank you for reading! <3


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